


Relapses.

by Gloriette_deWentz5



Category: Electric Century, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Eating Disorders, Eventual Sex, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Make-up warning: May contain melodramatic situations, Psychiatric problems, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-27 18:22:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 63
Words: 58,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1718984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gloriette_deWentz5/pseuds/Gloriette_deWentz5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Patrick Stump has dealt with his weight all his life, finally being able to control it, he decides to change his life. He is a writer in a webzine, gives advices, writes his opinion, answers questions, but, his life isn’t as organized as it seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Relapse Nº 1

**Author's Note:**

> *So, as everything I write, this came to my mind and I just had to put it down :P  
> *The chapters for this are going to be short because I like it that way, and I think it's ok; so hope you have no problem with that, either way, I don't think this works with longer chapters.  
> *Hope you enjoy and comment and stuff :)

No, Patrick, stop, you know the healthy way to this. I find myself in the bathroom, it’s 11 pm, the building is silent, the floor is cold, my heart is racing and my finger is on its way to my throat. I shake, I take a deep breath and take the hand out. But again, I think about the months that I spent on a diet to ruin everything last night at my brother’s, I feel disgusted and bring my finger back, I throw up.

It’s a little painful cause it’s been a while since the last time I made it, but I’m used to the process, still, I have to wipe a couple tears from my face. I stand up, flush and brush my teeth.

Put myself into bed, I promise to never do it again, I stopped once, I can stay away forever. Feeling disappointed with myself, I close my eyes and fall asleep.

Breakfast is gonna be light. No, not again. It’s gonna be complete, just like yesterday’s, what’s wrong with you, man? You have to forget last night, as if it didn’t happen. I’m not going back.

But also, I can’t allow myself to gain that much weight again, and I’m some sort of inspiration for people who read my opinion column.

I get to the office a little tired but fine, I had my breakfast, in spite of what my brain told me. Just moved to a different section, where there is that guy in charge of the music review.

"Hey!" He says friendly

"Hi…"

"Mikey, Way"

"Yes, sorry"

"No problem" Looking up close, he’s cute, a little shy, like me. I wonder if he has struggled with his appearance or self esteem, or something.

It was hard for me, in highschool, I always think of it when I sit in front of the screen, ready to write. Today, it’ll be about traffic jams and stuff.

"I like your writing" Mikey says with a very beautiful smile. The thought of dating him crossed my mind but I erased it in a second, there’s no way I could have a chance, and we just met, that’ll be weird for him, maybe he already has someone, shit like that happened to me all the time.

"Thank you, I always read your column, I also think it’s great" He’s the best music reviewer I know, even when he doesn’t think an album, single or show is not good, he’s respectful when he writes it, not like those semi-journalists who think that the dirtier your mouth, the better the critic.

"Thanks" He has a funny look in his eyes "are you okay?"

"Uhmm.. yeah, I just.. couldn’t sleep, thinking about this article" I lied

"Oh I see, same here"

But he didn’t look as terrible as I did, just the normal sleeping late.

 

"Coffee break?" He asked after couple hours of working

"Okay"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was updated according to a suggestions of changing the way I write dialogues so it would be easier to read :)


	2. Relapse N° 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another brief chapter about Patrick's story ;)

Couple weeks from the day I met Mikey, it reminded me of how hard it was for me to get the attention from cute guys like him, I was too shy, too insecure and unhappy with my body. I was tempted to come clean couple times, but it couldn’t possibly go right, not like with Bryar.

Bob Bryar was the perfect kind of guy at high school, he was a good student, a friendly guy, a proactive participating leader; he had the right name and the right looks, those that make all girls, including plastic cheerleaders -and me- to have a crush on him.

I was thinking about him while re-reading the article when Mikey asked me to join him to lunch. I had forgotten about it, as if I wanted to, I was planning not having it, I’ve been eating too much. **No big deal, I had breakfast**  I think trying to convince my most rational part that it was ok.

The cafeteria reminded me about that very special day, the greatest day for gay kids at school: Bryar came out of the closet. He stood up in the middle of everyone and he started a very inspirational speech about being yourself and not giving a shit on what others think, then he said the words with his deep confident voice. Three girls swooned, people started mumbling, no one could believe it was possible, some mean guys tried to bring him down by insulting and making fun of the word “gay”, but he stood still, didn’t even blush. It was impressive, some people even clapped at him, but again, he didn’t react, he wasn’t looking for the approval, he was just being himself. Then he smiled and left. I didn’t raise my head as he spoke -just like all the time- but I got glimpses of him, with my head down, I tried to follow him with my eyes in his way out. He did that two years before graduating, he was FUCKING brave.

I told to myself that if he had done it, why couldn’t I? Then I stood in front of a mirror. Bob was ok, and people respected him before knowing, and he was incredibly HOT. I was a short chubby guy with glasses and hidden under a hat, if I came out of closet, I would have been 'Fat Fag' for the rest of my life. No, thanks. Couple times I thought Bob would have stood up for me, but he didn’t know me and he didn’t have to, so I just forgot it.

Mikey bought two big sandwiches and I took a cereal bar out of my pocket **It’s ok, I had breakfast, and it was a good one**  I told my stomach when it started complaining.

I took my time to finally begin 'eating'. Mikey took out his laptop and said he was going to chat a little with his brother who was out of town. His desktop was well organized in folders, so you could clearly see the background photo. It was a picture of him with other two guys. A black hair and a blonde one hugging him. I couldn’t help but looking at the blonde one, not only because he was really handsome, but there was something familiar about him…

"Who are them?"

"This is my brother Gerard" he said pointing at the black hair guy **should have been obvious, almost the same face**  "and this is Robert Bryar" then his voice sounded a little nervous, a little rebel, a little 'what are you gonna do about this?', he looked defiantly and confidently into my eyes "my boyfriend."

"Oh, I see." So that was Bryar’s life now

'So...' he said with his eyes

"I asked because I was almost sure I knew him, he studied at my school"  **But he obviously doesn’t remind me**

"Really?" He said now with a smile "He told me that he came out of closet at high, in front of everyone, then you were there?"

"Yeah, I was, it was very inspirational, but I simply couldn’t do something like that."

"I understand, I didn’t tell anyone until I graduated" He put his eyes on the screen "He’s a great person, isn’t he?"

"Yeah, he’s a cool guy" So, that was it. Mikey had a chance with someone like Bob, Bob had a chance with someone like Mikey, and I sat there and watched. Thinking my life could simply be plain and with no chance of loving, I opened the cereal bar and bit it once, then I felt disgusted, and ignoring my rational brain, I kept it back.

"Then that’s it?" Mikey said with a frown "only a bite of that?"

"Well… yeah" I was going to point out his 5th cup of coffee in less than five minutes, but I didn’t want to offend him. "I’m... uhh… on a diet..."

"I… I don’t think that’s… healthy" He was nice even with that kind of comment

"No, it’s fine" **No, it isn’t**  "I’ll have a big dinner at my brother’s" **Liar**  "don’t mind"

"Ok" He said sipping his coffee and typing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was updated according to a suggestions of changing the way I write dialogues so it would be easier to read :)


	3. Relapse N° 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is working out a good idea?

Exercise is healthy. Ok, not when it’s 3am and you’re not even drinking water, and you already went through a 2 hours killing sessions in a gym, but for me, it was necessary that way.

I used to spend my Saturdays between two gyms, each time 2 or 3 hours killing sessions, I didn’t go by car, I walked. After the kind of 'rehab' I went through, my exercise time was only walking 40 minutes each morning and dancing for at least 30 minutes alone in my house, then I got normal sleep and had a healthy diet controlled by a doctor. I used to do exercise without water or any other rehydrating thing, or any food, and I didn’t eat before or after exercising. I collapsed in a gym couple times, and that’s when my family worried, and they made me go to the doctor and change my life.

My Sundays were just starving myself and over exercise at home, where I could collapse with no one knowing, then I changed that for hanging with friends, watching movies and writing. How I love writing on Sundays.

Today it’s a different Sunday. I’m going back to the gym. Not the one where I fainted, I couldn’t dare showing my face there again, I’ll try a new one, quite far from my house. It was sad that I had to reject Mikey’s invitation to the cinema where I could rejoin Bob, but, they were dating and I didn’t want to be the forever-alone-violin-player, besides, I wasn’t dating any of them, so it didn’t feel that wrong.

I was running at a speed that my doctor asked me to avoid if I hadn’t eaten anything and then my rational brain won and I stopped the machine. Little black dots started dancing in front of my eyes, there was a pitchy sound hurting my ears. **Shit! I’m gonna faint again**

I heard a voice, I couldn’t dare to be taken to the hospital again and having my family worried, thinking that I wasn’t ok

"I’m fine" **Liar**  I forced my voice out not really knowing why, that person couldn’t see me wrong as I was.

"You sure?" it’s a guy

"Yeah" **Stand, you idiot**  "I’m just fine" **You won’t take me**

"It seems you need some water" as clear as my eyes are able to see, he’s got black hair and brown eyes, thick eyebrows and he doesn’t look a lot taller than me. His skin is tanned and I see the tattoos in his arm when he offers me his water bottle "Here, drink what you need."

I don’t want to look desperate, so I drink slowly and not too much, then I hand it back to him. I drink a little more when he allows me with a gesture.

"Thank you" **Please, don’t force me to drink more**  My head is a little clearer but blury, anyway, I think I don’t want any water in my body to give me a horrible half pound.

"You’re welcome" He still looks at me as if I was going to die in any second. Now that I can focus my eyes, I notice that he’s the kind of guy my mother didn’t want me to hang out with and I wanted to date. "Do I know you?"

"Ehm... I don’t think so" **Shit, if he DOES know me, I’m done**  Hope he doesn’t know my family, but I wonder where he has seen me…

"The Street Walker! You’re a writer! You wrote that funny thing about transportation yesterday!"

"Oh… yeah, that’s me" It’s not like I’m completely calmed right now, he could call my office and they could call my mom...

"You’re Patrick…"

"Stump. And you are…?" I’m not trying to be friends with him, I actually want him to go, but my good manners are stronger so I ask politely and get into a nice conversation.

"Peter Wentz" **Ok, Peter, you can go now**

"Nice to meet you, it’s cool to actually meet someone that has read my column" **Now if you’ll excuse me...**

"Well, yeah. I started yesterday, a friend recommended it to me, I think it was great. So, I’ll be going now, so…"

"Oh, yeah. Well uhh, thanks, for reading, and for liking, and well, take care, thanks for the water."

"You’re welcome, bye."

Soon as he turns his back while waving his hand, everything goes black.

 

I know this smell, I know the way it feels to be lying in one of these things, I know how the light looks like when you start opening your eyes, I know how strange the voices sound like when you come out of the slumber…

I’m in a fucking hospital. Fucking guy from the gym brought me here. Now that I start coming back to reality, I recognize the voice it hurts me the most to hear in this situation.

"Mom?" Crap, she’s here, probably that guy called her, or the doctors called her, no way I’ll put her through this again

She turns around to look at me, but says nothing, then my brother comes closer

"Patrick…"

"Sorry."

"You were lucky that guy brought you here, he seemed really worried. man, you had promised not to do this again…"

"Sorry…" it’s the only thing I can get to say, I know it was wrong, but I had it under control.

"You should also apologize to that guy, he still hasn’t left."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated ;) -Just sayin' :P -
> 
> *This was updated according to a suggestions of changing the way I write dialogues so it would be easier to read :)*


	4. Relapse N° 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't bother...

Really? Couldn’t he just leave me here and go back to his life? Maybe after this he would stop reading my column, crap.

"Mom can’t talk to you…"

"I imagine" 'Can’t' stands for 'Doesn’t want to' in this case, so I just nod and try to remember the name of the man that brought me here. Come to think of it, I don’t know whether to hate him or thank him, it could have been worse, someone else wouldn’t have done it. But still, I try to be mad at him, for no reason apparently. What keeps me hanging is, why is he still here? does he really care? Maybe he wants to make sure I’m fine, or maybe he just wants to gossip about it later. I’ll take the second choice, it kinda helps me hating him and, the first thing only happens with my family, and maybe Joe, but nowadays he’s too busy living his good life to worry his head with some irrational mess like me, he tries, but I just don’t want to be a load for him.

Maybe the thing is I don’t want to be a load for anyone, even my family, and specially that unknown guy, that might be able to forgive me for forgetting his name so quickly.

As expected, mom didn’t talk to me and barely looked into my eyes. I don’t blame her, I’m a crap. But the one who did come couple minutes after my brother was gone was that tattooed guy who brought me here.

"Hey… you okay?"

"Hmm… No, I’m not, as you can tell" There was no way I could lie to him, he saw me fainting, maybe he even carried me to his car, or waited next to my body until the ambulance came. This is degrading, but it’s my fault.

"Yeah, stupid comment, sorry" I nod, as reaffirming the _stupid_ , I just want  to forget about him, I don’t want any relationship or congeniality with people involved in this problem, so if he thinks I hate him, he’ll go away and won’t get involved in it. "I think you needed to come here, uhm, like, you would appreciate it, but it seems you don’t…"

"No, I don’t. This is a consequence of some older thing in my life and you shouldn’t get involved, so, go… I shouldn’t have gone to the gym, I could have collapsed at my house where no one would see…"

He looks a little hurt 'I just wanted to help' I could read on his eyes, but I didn’t need it.

"Well… bye, then"

" ’Kay" I say 'angrily' and turn my head. I just hear his lazy footsteps walk away and start regretting how stupid I was by treating him that way, but I just don’t want him to get involved with this. Maybe if we had met in different circumstances, but things are what they are, and maybe, it’s better off this way.

"You didn’t come yesterday, what happened?" Asked Mikey with genuine care.

"I… had a medical appointment"

"Ohh, that’s it" I get the feeling that it’s gonna be really hard to get Mikey believing what I say, he’s like a mind reader, or if I’ve been putting some evidence with my face or my voice, I haven’t noticed yet, maybe he’s a feeling reader, whatever that is. "Seriously, I hope you’re not overworking and taking less care of yourself..."

And that was exactly the thing I didn’t want him to do: Get involved. no one should, people shouldn’t mess their hands with me, they’d just leave me be- or stop being, which happens first. And I don’t want to use that 'attitude' with him, I just met him, but we share this office and working next to someone you hate would be a pain in the ass, it didn’t matter with the guy from the gym, since I didn’t know him and certainly won’t ever see again (I’m not going back to that gym either)

"Listen" I say as politely as I can to not hurt him or sound like an asshole "I can deal with this" He obviously knows my previous health issues since he has read my column, I wrote couple times about that "don’t worry" **Don’t get involved into something you’ll hate** "I’m okay, I promise" I’m not, but this should work with Mikey

"Okay, I’ll leave you alone, then" It didn’t sound like he meant it, but I really appreciated that he even expressed it, so I would have a proof he did if he tries to get back again.

"Thanks" **You should be the one thankfull, for taking the choice of staying away**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)  
> Comments are highly apprecieted, let me know what you think so far :)
> 
> *This was updated according to a suggestions of changing the way I write dialogues so it would be easier to read :)*


	5. Relapse N° 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things may change with you...

That couldn’t possibly happen. Seriously? he had to go to the same supermarket and buy the same things I did? I thought I had gotten rid of the tattoo guy, so finding him here made me wanna throw up. It’s like a natural reaction my body created when I see people I don’t like or don’t want to see, I don’t know why, it actually happened with food when I reached the deepest stage of my 'condition'. The thing is, I’m not really good at containing that because I’m used to throw up everytime I feel like, so this is just a headache.

 **Now you had to turn and meet my eyes, great**  He looks nervous, I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t want to talk to me, but it looks like he’s considering the idea. Why would he? Wasn’t I a jerk enough before? Now it looks like he wants to get something from the spot I’m in, but obviously doesn’t wanna get close. But he did, crap.

"Hey" **Why on Earth...?!**  "What’s up?" **You look like you hate this conversation, why did you start it?**

"Well… better, not perfect, but better. Excuse me, I forgot your name" It’s not what I wanted to say because it’ll mean I’m interested in talking to him and getting to know each other better, which I don’t, but I just can’t live with myself thinking that I don’t know this guy’s name. And I stopped trying to understand why.

"Oh… Uhh… Peter Wentz," I think he understands why I had forgotten it, when you’re about to faint your head doesn’t really work "you can call me Pete"  **And you had to say it...**

"Fine, Pete. Erm… gotta go, so…"

"No, wait. I wanted to apologize for what I did. I know that the first thing you think is that you want people to help, but I understand what’s it like wanting to have people’s noses out of your business. So, sorry…"

Now that’s something you don’t hear everyday. I expected something like _“You should be thankful I saved your life, so don’t be off-putting and give me a medal, or owe me something”_ , but this Pete Wentz had something different in mind. The puking feeling disappeared. I could get to like him, after all. Plus, he’s hot.

"Wow, thanks, for… understanding. Well, obviously you never know when someone wants you out their business, so I think it’s fine, you did what a good citizen would have done." **I cannot hate him, especially now that I see that heart-melting smile**  He really looks relieved when I say that, and I remember why I wanted him to stay away from me and the whole business: I would be a load in his conscience. So now that we’re better, it’s vital for me to stop this from beginning, whatever 'this' is. "So, gotta go. I have this unfinished article waiting for me. Good bye, Pete, take care."

"Bye" **Don’t say it…!**  "See you" That expression is a curse. So I just turn and wave at him. I end up not buying anything and running because the anxiety of throwing up had just came back, but it feels different this time.

It’s the kind of puking feeling I get when I like someone. It’s dumb, but it’s true. Maybe it’s the insecurity, that he makes me nervous, that I don’t know what to say, that I don’t know if he likes me, and the top: I’m almost sure he doesn’t.

Not being able to hold it back, I run to the bathroom as soon as I open the door. **You dumb, stay away from me. Could you live with this?**  But something starts dancing in my mind: He’s been here. Well, maybe not here, but 'here' in _“Mental and Physical Problems Land: Where you are everything you hate, and you hate everything you are”_ Now Pete -Learning Name: Check!- is someone interesting, now I want to know things about him, now I want to know him. But this is just guessing, maybe he knows about it because some relative was in 'Miserable Village' and he knows what’s it like to take care of it. Maybe he doesn’t need more of that shit in his life. So I have to forget about him, if the second one’s truth. Why couldn’t I be like Mikey and have a normal life and health and not hating my body because I’d be fuking hot and get a boyfriend like Bryar? This whole 'Being Patrick Stump' thing sucked. A lot.

I remember I might have left the apartment’s door open and I stand up to close it, wishing no one was there. Since the whole universe hates me, my neighbor 'something' Hurley is there.

"Hello, Mr. Stump" I think he doesn’t know my name, either.

"Hello, Mr. Hurley, how are you?" Now I sound like a grammar class conversation

"Fine, thanks. And you?" I know he hates talking  to people, but he’s just too polite for his own sake to refuse greeting them.

"Good, thanks. See you." I say and I get ready to close the door and get to see how he shakes his head. He obviously knows that I used to throw up often, since he lives right next to me and is the only one in that floor besides me. So he disapproves it. Me too, but I can’t help it. **"I’m sick"**  I think. That’s a lame excuse I stopped using when 'I healed'

"Wait a minute! Don’t close the door" **Joe, not now**  "sorry I didn’t tell you I was coming, because I wasn’t, I was just passing by and thought you could be here and… you’ve been throwing up?"

I can only put my eyes down and proving him right.

"Let’s get in…" he says with a frown and I let him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was updated according to a suggestions of changing the way I write dialogues so it would be easier to read :)


	6. Relapse N° 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth be told... you are better at knowing than me...

"You have to explain me what happened."

"Uffff, okay," I have to tell him because he’s my best friend ever and he’s been through a lot because of me "I… went back… to that…"

"When?" He’s kinda scary in his 'protective father mood', but I know he’s worried, and it hurts me to know; he’s a good guy, he’s better than me.

"Like… three weeks ago. But I hadn’t done it since" I spit in a defensive way

"Noooo, you sure haven’t! That’s why the whole apartment stinks!"

"It was different this time…"

"What else do I have to know?"

"I came back to the gym and ended up in a hospital… last sunday"

He looks up to the ceiling as asking some powerful entity to give him strength for putting up with me

"Ahh, Patrick. I wanted to take you out to do something, you know? Now I can’t go without being sure you’ll have dinner and won’t bring it back…"

"Joe, it’s not necessary…" I need him to believe it isn’t, but when I first started goofing around with this whole thing, my mother wouldn’t keep her guts and my brother was too busy, so he lived with me after I came back from the rehab center. He knows me better than I do, and that means he knows I’m unpredictable, so I could go back in any moment. I thought I had made clear I wasn’t, but it seems he’s been waiting for this to happen. No one will ever trust me again.

"It’s not a suggestion, young man" **I knew it**

"Fine." What else can I say? Maybe it’s better if he stays and sees how strong I am to go through this whole thing. Then there’s the chance he’ll go and leave me alone, to cry, to live my life, to sink in my misery… knowing he’ll be surely waiting behind the door…

"And, how did you get to the hospital?" If you think that I was unconscious, that’s a stupid question, but people usually tell me the whole thing: _“I saw you...”_ , _“I found you, maybe you had been there for couple minutes...”_ , _“Then I called the ambulance...”_ They might be playing the heroes, or gossiping, or showing how hard it was for them to deal with me, so that I have to owe them something. I used to think it was no big deal, then I started trying to understand what could it be like to find a body lying on the floor, so it could be creepy. But still, I wouldn’t be so exaggerated with the person telling them how much I suffered when I found their body, that’s not necessary.

"A guy offered me water and then he saw me fainting, it was him who called the ambulance."

"Good. Have you seen him again?" Now he’s a little more relaxed, in the 'Let’s chat' plan.

"Ahh, yeah. Actually he stayed in the hospital after I woke up. And I just saw him in the supermarket…"

"Okay. So you went to the supermarket, and bought nothing…"

"I couldn’t…" He doesn’t need to hear the rest.

"Man, if you were feeling sick, you shouldn’t had came out!"

"I wasn’t sick when I went out…" I feel the heat of blushing in my face and see how Joe makes that funny face when he understands or has figured out something about me. He’s better at that than me.

"You like him." I can’t escape from that shit now. **I shouldn’t have said the supermarket thing**  But then, I  wouldn’t have an explanation for what just happened. It’s a good alibi for a bulimic that’s trying to convince the world he’s fine now. "Or you hate him for finding out you are sick." **I’m not sick anymore, Joe, for God’s sake!**

"Ahhh...Let’s say I didn’t expect finding him, and talking to him after what happened" Then, I realize I opened my big mouth and Joe won’t leave me alone now.

"Okay, good. Now, let’s get you some dinner."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment? :)
> 
> *This was updated according to a suggestions of changing the way I write dialogues so it would be easier to read :)*


	7. Relapse N° 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long :P  
> Hope you like this one

I spend the night sweating for the effort of trying to keep the stupid-delicious food Joe gave me inside my body, for my own mental sake and because Joe’s sleeping over - he’s not that dumb. **You’re supposed to be fine now, you’re not sick, you’re not sick, you’re not sick, you’re not sick. You’re not weak, you’re not weak. You’re better now. Healthy people are happy when they eat and don’t reject food. Healthy people are okay, and you’re healthy now.**

I have to stand up because being horizontal doesn’t help at all. So I stand in front of the mirror and thank that Joe can’t see me right now, or else he’d take me back to the rehab thing and stay with me 24/7.

To try to calm down, I read the statements I used to convince myself that starving meant strenght and that my will is the strongest will on Earth. Now as a recommendation of the doctor I see them with a different motivation. _“You’re strong enough to stay ~~skinny~~ \- healthy” “ ~~Starving~~ \- Eating is good for you” “Your weight is ~~everything~~ \- just a part of you, what’s really important is inside”_ and that kind of things. That takes me all the night and when I feel that I’m not throwing up and my head is clear, I sleep the three hours I have left before I have to go to work.

Then the alarm clock rings and I hear noises in the kitchen. Guess who is making a huge balanced breakfast for keeping the energy until lunch time?

I go to the bathroom and remember what I was looking for yesterday in the supermarket when I found Pete. But if Joe found laxatives in my drawer, I’d be ruined. **Thanks again, Pete**  I think with a smile. I used them a lot, in the rehab center they gave me placebos, but I wasn’t stupid enough to believe they were my so wanted 'medicine'; and they weren’t stupid enough to let me puke them. Then I just began taking them and playing the 'Nice obedient little crazy poor thing' and they let me alone. That was the moment I lost all interest in throwing up and that was _“A very big accomplishment in my treatment”_ as the doctor proudly said.

"Morning, Joe" I greet him after taking a shower and putting some _“I’m perfectly okay for working”_ clothes.

"Morning, sunshine. Breakfast’s ready."

I frown when I see the amount of food in my plate, but I know I’ve got no way out of Joe’s eyes and correct my facial expression with a smile I beg all heavens is convincing enough.

"Wow, thank you." I seat and start eating.

"You’re welcome. I also made you lunch, so you can bring it to your work and EAT IT."

"I know what lunch’s for, Joe."

"I thought you needed a reminder, just in case…" His sarcasm is very heavy and hurts sometimes, but it’s a kind of humor that has kept me through the whole process, so I like it.

With my lunch in my bag, I go to the parking and get into my car. As always I open the glove compartment and read out loud _“Eating keeps your mind attentive and your senses working. You need to eat when you drive.”_ I’ve never killed someone because I fainted in my car due to the lack of energy, but it’s better to prevent. Anyway, if I would’ve done it, I’d have killed myself, I cannot live with that. Probably that’s one of the strongest reasons why I came back to the nice habit of having breakfast. **Thank you, Joe**  I know that was necessary, but even when I want to feel good about eating, a little rebel part of my head still feels disgusted.

I walk inside the building and find Mikey with earphones and a very serious expression. He was so focused in it he almost had a heart attack when I sat in my desk.

"Hi. What’s wrong?"

"Hi…" he says taking a deep breath "well… I don’t have anything to say about this. Well… anything… nice."

"But you’re good at being nice when you give a bad critic about something."

"Well.. yeah, but not now… it’s just… you brought lunch?" he asks as he stares deeply at the bag in my desk.

"Uhm, yeah. What’s with that?" I say with a smile trying to sound sympathetic, but I’m freaking out inside because I know he knows I’ve been sick. Now he thinks I am sick. I told him about a 'diet' not really long ago, so maybe he thinks I’m weird.

"N… nothing, it’s just… you were on a…"

"Diet. I quit, I went to the doctor and he told me it wasn’t necessary that way" **You’re not making it better Big Mouth**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coments? :)
> 
> *This was updated according to a suggestions of changing the way I write dialogues so it would be easier to read :)*


	8. Relapse N° 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch and meeting, past and new secrets...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *So, as suggested, I'll use quotation marks for the dialogues, so Patrick's thoughts and that kind of stuff (I'll call them Patrick's random comments :P ) will be bold from now on :)  
> *I'll be busy this week, and this is the only little moment I got for posing, I shouldn't be here, but sleeping, I just had to... :P  
> *English is not my mother language, so if you find something weird or off, let me know (sometimes I really doubt my knowledge on it :P )

"That’s great, because I planned having lunch with Bob tomorrow and I wanted to invite you"

How could I say 'No' now?

"Cool, thanks"

"Well, thanks for coming"

I don’t know why, I just opened the top drawer and found something I didn’t remember I had. I just changed the office, but I didn’t throw anything, so that little paper bag was something weird. It had a box inside, so I checked it, what was it? I freeze. My blood feels cold and I feel dizzy. I look over my shoulder to check if Mikey is not looking and luckily, he isn’t. Laxatives. The last ones I bought before being taken to the rehab thing. They’re still 'fresh', which means I could use them… NO! Okay, maybe just one, then I’ll throw the rest.

But not now, I’m just gonna make sure that Mikey or Joe don’t find out. Should I? Well, it’s just once, what can go wrong? I don’t take them home that night, though, I’ll just let it kill my brain for no reason apparent. Some part of my head wants to have a reflexion and a discussion about it. I roll in my bed with a tornado of second guessing in my mind.

The restaurant in front of the office seems very nice, but I’ve never been there, I think going on your own is sad for a such a nice place. Now I’m going with Mikey and a tall blond guy is waiting for us next to the door.

"Hi Bob" **Aww, now they’re hugging**  being a violin player is not my favorite thing on Earth.

"Hi Mikey. So, this is Patrick from high school, if Mikey hadn’t told me I wouldn’t have recognized you, you’ve changed big time."

"Well, yeah." **I don’t have a crush on you anymore** "I had to. So, how are you?, what are you up to?"

"I’ll start my own business and stuff…"

Soon as we sit down a very elegant waitor comes and at last I see his tattoos covered by long sleeves. He smiles not even trying to hide his joy when I see him in the eyes and notices I recognized him.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen…"

And the whole ordering thing is banal as I’m trying to look healthy with his brown eyes set on me.

"It seems change has fit you, Patrick, he put the eye on you immediately" says Bob enthusiastically.

"Well, we already knew each other, like, we met… not so long ago."

"How?" Mikey loves stories like that, long as I know

"At the gym" **And sorry, but you don’t have to know the rest**

"Cool, now you work out, it’s hard to tell from the kid at school who hated sports" Mikey giggles and I try to remember that a) He’s taken, b) I’m not supposed to like him, c) He might not like to know details about my past and my secret present and d) I’m starting -or I’m convincing myself- to like the young waitor who’s coming with our orders in this very same moment.

"There you go" He says politely, more to me than to my companions, then he goes looking a little nervous and obviously forcing himself to not look back

"Yeah, it’s crazy. But I decided I wanted a healthier lifestyle." **Didn’t come up very well at the first attempt, but I think I’ll do quite good in this one**

"Well that is great." The popular polite loved-by-everyone Bob Bryar hasn’t changed a bit, always supporting everyone… so yeah, that doesn’t make ME very special.

The lunch is ok and being with them doesn’t feel as Forever Alone as I had thought, they really take into account that they’re with someone else and include them in the conversation, it doesn’t happen very often, so I’m thankful. Thing is I just can’t help but thinking on the treasure hidden in my drawer, so when Pete comes back with the bill and then follows me with his eyes and a little 15-year-old-girl smile as we go out, I feel relieved I can go back to the office and get the box.

Mikey leaves but I stay a little longer, not really knowing why. Now I know where he works, and it’s very close. This thing is getting more cliché with every passing day, what am I gonna do with him?... why am I thinking about him? The box! I have to keep it safe.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Thanks for commenting and lettting me know what you think so far :)  
> *I was wondering if I should change the dialogue thing on the chapters I've already posted, I think it would be nice for people who would read it later, maybe I'll do that :P  
> ***I love smileys :) :D


	9. Change N° 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things can change for me, and that's ok...

I go to the bathroom and… open the pack, I’ll just take one, promise, here, no one will know. Again, I start shaking. I hold the little white pill in my fingers, I’m sweating. **Joe doesn’t need to know**  the little voice in my head whispers, even when I know he’s gonna figure out anyway. I press it against my lips, my temperature drops, and I do it.

 

I throw everything.

 **NEW-LIFE, PATRICK NEW-LIFE!!!**  I have to understand that, so my rational brain is partying to the fact I didn’t fall into temptation, **Joe would be proud, too**  That thought makes me smile, but I can’t tell him. It’s gonna be my personal secret. The first good personal secret in quite long time.

The parking lot has only one car: Mine. So I turn it on and drive outside, just to find a tanned black hair guy looking to the sunset in front of the exit of -what a coincidence!- this very same building.

"Lost something?" I say, surprising myself for my confidence in talking to a stranger I like (those are two good reasons I wouldn’t talk to someone) I also find a different tone in my voice, am I flirting with him? I should sound mad at him.

He turns around like a little kid that was caught stealing candy, he’s actually very adorable, and I can’t help but to smile. **Frown, you ‘hate’ him**  Well, I don’t, but he has -I have- to believe that.

"Uh… well…" **I kinda get it, it’s not easy to tell someone you’ve been waiting for them**  "I saw you coming and… I thought I could come by and say ‘Hi’ " I am about to giggle, but I remember I needed to keep him out of the harm that Me and my 'condition' represent.

"Then hi Pete, how are you?" I say, more interested than I wanted it to sound...

"Ehh, fine, thanks" **Is it just me or he’s waaaay more nervous than me?**  And now, I’m smiling, but I’m not smiling cause I’m confident, or actually happy with the situation; I’m trying to make my body react to reality with things different from queasiness, and I think it works, because I don’t feel sick and the only ‘liquid’ leaving my body is sweat. HOW I sweat…

"So, what are you up to?"

"Excuse me?"

"What are you doing now?"

"Well… going home, I guess" **Perfect! Good bye, Pete**

"Okay, then…" **Stupid phone, I’m chatting with Pete!** "Sorry" It’s obvious he’s nervous and a little angry that I had an incoming call at that exact moment. **Joe, you better have something very urgent to say**  "Hello?"

"Hey, young man, where are you? you never take that long…"

"Yeah, I had lunch with a partner, so I stayed a little longer to finish the next article" **And hope you notice the emphasis on the word LUNCH**

"Ahh, that’s perfect! I’m waiting for you, don’t be late"

"No, sir, I won’t" he believes he needs his eyes on me in every moment, and I don’t blame him, but I’d like him to see me differently from now on.

"See you"

"Bye, see you." **Finally**  "So, where were we?" **Shouldn’t have used those words**

"Well, seems you’re busy… uhh… see you tomorrow, bye." Perfect way to finish this awkward conversation, thanks.

"Okay, see you" now I mean it, and I don’t know why.

 


	10. Relapse N° 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My will is not as strong...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Patrick's not really good at changing for good...

"Hi honey, I’m home" I say sarcastically when I open the door.

"Hi man, how was everything?"

"Good, the food was delicious!" **I’m not sick, I’m not sick, you can leave now**

By the look in his eyes, I can tell I look healthy in body and mind, so he doesn’t notice I’m trying to hide the laxatives thing and I’m still nervous due to the chat with Pete. I may be a kick ass actor, maybe I should try that…

"Well, I made dinner, if you want. And then I’ll leave" **YES!**  "What, you don’t want me here?" forget the acting thing

"No, it’s not that, it’s the dinner. I think it’s great you made it" He seems convinced, I’m doing good, now I’ll have to keep it this way so he can leave soon and don’t change his mind.

I eat, hating myself and Joe and the amount of food I have to take in every spoonful. I feel sick, so I talk about Bob and try to look happy and calmed, just like any normal healthy human being. I laugh, I tell stories, and finally, Joe grabs his stuff and leaves. When I’m sure his car is gone far away, I take a deep breath and tears begin forming in my eyes as I have this internal fight of 'Puke-Don’t puke'. I finally let 'Don’t puke' win, but I’m still crying, not knowing why. Those tears for no reason apparent reminded me of the first weeks in the rehab thing. Joe and my brother were the only ones visiting me at the beginning, then, when it was clear I was getting better, my mom came by and I was ready to leave one month later.

When I came out, I lost some of the few friends I had. It seems they couldn’t hang with 'a crazy person'. One of them was a guy I liked, and it seems he liked me too. He left an SMS explaining why he couldn’t talk to me anymore and he didn’t want 'craziness' to stop his life. I called, but he wouldn’t answer. I left voicemails telling him I was fine, and that it would never happen again. And I left him SMS and e-mails. When I gave up trying, I got an e-mail from him. I was insanely happy, but it said something like _“I told you to step out of my life as I did out of yours. I don’t care if you’re fine now, I can’t like a crazy person and get stuck in his sickness. What if you go back? Sorry, Patrick, this is the end. I want you out, get it.”_

After that, I was about to go back for a different reason. But I couldn’t let my family know that I was depressed, so I kept walking forward by the day and cried by the night, until I forgave him and turned the page.

This whole thinking opened my eyes to the reason why I was crying that night: Pete. I didn’t want him to be the replay of that story, but he wanted to talk to me, he waited for me today, he smiled at me during the whole lunch, he was polite to _me_ , even when I was with other two people, he only saw ME. He would be disappointed to death if he found that the guy he likes so much is a wreck who doesn’t deserve living. “No, Pete please, don’t” I say in a whisper, not sure if it’s ‘please, don’t hate me’ or ‘please, don’t like me’, maybe even ‘please, don’t leave me’, sure thing, it could be ‘please, don’t find out’. Either way, I didn’t give a name to that wish, I just kept saying “Please, Pete” under a shitload of tears.

I was still sobbing when I grabbed my jacket and checked the pockets. I don’t know how it got there, but my pulse stopped when I took it out. It was the fucking white pill. I wrapped my fingers around it and cried harder, biting my tongue so no sound would come out. I was a wreck, indeed. Even when I threw the rest of the package, this was still in my pocket. Unbelievable. “YOU. ARE. HORRIBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.” I know, I replied to the so annoying voice in my head. I know I’m a horrible person, always had, I’m selfish and make everyone worry. I didn’t think that pill would represent new pain for my mom, my brother and Joe; and a disappointment for Mikey and Pete, who just met me, and apparently likes me. “But that’s it!” If Pete found out now, he wouldn’t get so hooked on me, he would stop liking me on time, he wouldn’t love me and I could hide that I’m falling in love with him. I could get hurt, but not him. That was an unselfish decision, from this point of view, but then again,there was the risk of ruining Joe’s life _again_ and have my mother and brother stop talking to me _forever_.

“But Pete...” Yes, this one was for Pete. The pill touches my tongue as I begin crying once again. It’s for a good cause. Joe would never leave, no matter how many headaches I made him go through. He’s proven that, he’s promised that. Now, it wouldn’t be like a real relapse, just for Pete to think it is and run to safe land as soon as possible.

“You are a piece of shit” I say to myself as I lay on my bed with tears still running on my cheeks. “Sorry, mom. Sorry, Kevin. Sorry Joe. Goodbye, Pete”

 


	11. Found you finding me… kind of.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to feel about this?

The wish of disappearing during the night didn’t come true, but it was saturday, so I didn’t have to go outside and see anyone. I did have to face my problems, though. The pain in my stomach made me remember what I did yesterday. It was not my favorite way to lose weight, if you made me choose, I’d take starving and throwing up. It was one of the reasons why it was easy to stop using the laxatives in the rehab center, even when it was the fastest way to do it, or so I thought.

My phone rings. I should’ve known better than to think Joe would leave me alone easily.

_"Hello, young man, how are you today? Enjoying your freedom?"_

"Well, I just got up, so I haven’t done much." **Sat in the bathroom for a long time, but you don’t need to know that...**

 _"So, you’re up to doing something?"_ Joe Troman’s philosophy: You’re NOT completely okay if you can’t go out for a long time in the city. Thing is I forgot that, which makes me really stupid considering I want him to think I’m fine. Crap.

"Well, yeah… why not?" Worst idea ever, I can’t go outside now, but I have to fool Joe **As if it was possible**

_"Cool, let’s eat something weird, how ‘bout sushi or something like it?"_

"Sounds great" **Sounds horrible**

_"Fine, I’ll be at your place in two hours"_

"Okay" I hang not really convinced of what I just did. Maybe there was another way to get Pete out of my life and far from danger, like telling the truth, which I’m terrible at.

Well, I just have to go out and convince Joe that I’m fine. I’ll eat something. I’m in the kitchen and decide to look out of the window as I bite an apple, something light. Suddenly, Pete appears walking down the street. **No, seriously. Are you stalking me?**  But he doesn’t look like it, he’s just walking and his life doesn’t turn around me, so I’ll have to stop being so paranoid. He is taking pictures. That’s why he’s here, the park in front of my building is very nice and the view can give you great shots. **Cool hobby, Pete.**  I’d better get ready. I hope he’s not longer around when I go out with Joe, ‘cause if he finds out I live there, I’d be thinking he _is_ going to stalk me. Somehow, I _want_ him to know, I want him to see me, but he has to stay away, at all costs.

I check my waist in the shower. It’s a little chubbier than last week and though the skin is a little loose, it’s not like when I got really skinny. I frown. I hate that. I hate everything. I hate my body. I hate me. I hate the fact that this body made me creditor of bullying. Once, my partners took a bucket of cold water and poured it over me after taking my shirt off in front of everyone; then they lashed me with their shirts and belts. My skin was red and a chorus of monsters yelled 'Fat-ass' and 'Greasy' as I kneeled down and tried to hold my tears. That was the first time I saw Bob Bryar and the day I fell for him.

He stood in front of everyone and they stopped. “What’s going on?” I was able to hear his furious voice. No one answered, not that I remember. He lifted my head and I saw his big blue eyes looking at me with a genuine concern. “Can you stand up?” I nodded and he helped me. “Give me his shirt, now!” and then he walked me to the nursery. No one knew he was gay back then, so I was sure he was one of those unreachable straight guys I liked. I cherished every second until we got to the nursery, he had his arm around my shoulder, not caring that I was damp, he stroke my hair when he sat me in the gurney. He smiled at me and then he left. I was so shocked, it wasn’t necessary trying to contain the need of kissing him.

I always think of that day when I see my wet body. I wonder what would Bob think if he knew what I became later. There was a time when I thought that if Bob would’ve been my boyfriend, I’d felt more confident and wouldn’t have become this. And I blamed him, until I realized that was stupid. It was my fault, I should’ve confessed and asked him out in time, but, past’s in the past.

I sit watching TV just to have some noise to numb my thoughts. The bell rings and I stand up immediately. It’s gonna be a hard 'funny' day out with Joe, but “It can be writing material” he says as he starts the car and he realizes I’m not what you’d call 'excited' about it.

"Today I saw Pete." I say out of my conscious

"Really?" He can’t believe his ears, and I can’t believe my mouth

"Yeah, I was looking through the window and I saw him taking pictures in the park" My voice has not the ‘lie covering’ tone and that’s weird, I sound pretty bored, but that’s obvious.

"Does Pete have black hair and tattoos?"

WHAT?! How could Joe know if I never told him?! Then I see a young photographer trying to get a good shot of a little bird. Now I freak out and instinctively duck in the chair. **Please, he can’t see me, he can’t see me, he can’t see me. PLEASEEE!!!**

"What’s with him? You love him more than what you love being skinny?" **Fuck you, Joe, that hurts**

"Joe…" I blushed, then it has to be true. He doesn’t have to apologize for that, I owe him a lot, so he’s allowed.

Luckily, Pete didn’t see me as the car got away and I could have my stressful day with Joe without any interruption.

 


	12. It’s hard to say “I don’t” when I do.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized I hadn't uploaded this chapter, just left it as a draft and kinda forgot to post, I'm dying a little here, sorry :(  
> The thing feels a little cut if you already read #13, so I apologize

"Hello" I don’t know if finding cute or creepy that he’s waiting for me again. I’ll take the second one to think I’m not the only one who’s wrong here. "I thought you came out later"

"But still, you’re already here…" he blushes in the cutest way I know and it’s not helping at all in my purpose of getting away.

"Well… I… come out earlier so… you know… I had nothing else to do"

"I see. I come out later when I have to finish writing something that takes more than expected, but this is my normal schedule."

It’s funny talking through the window with a guy standing in front of the door of a parking, but even when I came out early, everyone has already left, so we’re not blocking the way out. It’s both good and bad because we can stay there talking for hours. **What if you come into my car and I kiss you until I’m satisfied, which I find very hard and…. WHAT AM I THINKING?!!**  I clear my throat but I say nothing, this is just too awkward without talking, or kissing, or saying goodbye, but somehow I just like having Pete’s eyes on me

I want to invite him in the car, but couple things have to be avoided, and as I think about it, he kills the silence.

"Wanna go do something?" My life is boring, so I have nothing to do, I'd easily say yes...

"Like what?"

"A movie… or something…"

"Something very cliché, huh?"

"Cliché in which way?" He looks very surprised that I understood his intention. I give him a significant glare "what? you think I wanna… date you?"

"And you don’t?" I’m flirting, I’m fucking flirting with him. My voice sounds deep, I’ve never used that tone before, but Pete makes me feel both confident and nervous, and I’m doing something I never thought I would…

Pete bites his lip, he knows I got him, not the way I want, but I got him. I’m being someone I didn’t know I could be and I realize that when I open the door and stand in front of him. Well, this is not very different, actually. I take impulsive choices in my life, and end up not eating, puking and dying in hospital beds, so this is not very new…

"I want to date you" he says as if he was in an interrogatory and he had no choice but confessing. I don’t know what to do with winning this little battle, I don’t know what to say **“I knew it”**? **“I got you”**? and then what? "the thing is"  **and now he’s got the upper hand…**  "do you want to date me?"

**Hell yes!!! Take me anywhere!!**

"This is a little harder than a yes/no thing for me…" I say very ashamed

"How…?"  **God, please! It’s not like I don’t like you, is that you shouldn’t like me.**

"I had a… problem in my life… and I’m not ready to let people in…"

"It’s the weight thing?" he asks and immediately realizes it may have been too much

"Yeah" he’s read about it, off course. I should have thought about it, then he already knew, and I didn’t have to do what I did on saturday. He didn’t know about it, anyway.

"And knowing doesn’t stop you…"

"From liking you. No. You went through it, so it’s fine. You’re fine. Right?" his half smile melts my heart and I have to hold my tears back. He is the first person I know who actually thinks I’m fine. He’s sure I’m fine. I’m a disappointment. But I want him.

"Yes, I’m better now." **No, I’m not. I’m already lying to you**

"Perfect!" He smiles widely and we both can feel the tension of not kissing each other.

"But… I haven’t said yes…"

"Oh, right." The corners of his lips fall and so do his eyes.

"Maybe later"  **Sorry, I just can’t**

"Yes. It will happen. Bye, see you tomorrow. I’ll be waiting."

"Sure…"

I got back in the car and he is still looking at me with dreamy eyes. **I love you**  I think before starting the engine.

If I take Pete out of my life, it’ll be the end of it. I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling for I don’t know how long. But if I want Pete in my life -and today I realized I want him BADLY- I’ll have to keep him away from this garbage. **I promise to be okay now, really okay, so I don’t have to lie to you.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and your comprehension on this one, I'll be more careful from now on :)


	13. Take you home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe just a ride...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this story, it's like the best I've written, not only that I like it, but the kudos prove it, so thank you for that :)

"Hey Patrick can you… Patrick?"

"What?"

"Are you in this planet, or…?"

"Well, kind of, what do you want?" Mikey rolls his eyes and says

"Can you please help me check the redaction of this?"

"Sure."

"Your head’s been out of this office the whole morning, what’s wrong?"

"Nothing"

"I’m not that dumb, Patrick…" It’s the first time he actually says that.

"It’s something, about this afternoon…"

"I can help you avoid it if you want" I didn’t think he’d be an accomplice in this kind of things, I’ve got way to go before thinking I know Mikey. I thought he was a little more simple than that.

"No, it’s fine. Thing is, I’m just nervous"

"Ahh… then it’s a date."

"Hmmm… kind of"

 

"Eat something" we’re in the cafeteria and I’m staring emptily at my food. I can’t eat. I’m too nervous thinking about Pete and my stomach is a knot. It can’t receive anything, and it also can’t let anything out, which is different, good, and a collateral effect of being in love. Having Mikey reprimanding me doesn’t help.

"Oh, sorry"

"It’s not for me, you know?" **You sound like... Joe**

"I’m nervous, I can’t keep my head clear"

"It’s harder when your stomach empty"

"Have you ever been this way, Mikey?"

"No, but I know it’s not cool. Anyway, try to eat something, you’ve been working really hard."

"You’re right. Do you think I’m fine?" I dare to say after thinking for a while.

"Hmm… not really. When you were in that other office I saw you, and you looked waay better than now. You looked fine back then. When I found that you had that eating disorder, I thought 'Wow, this guy really made it' But _today_ " he frowns and tries to soften what he’s saying "I wouldn’t be so sure."

"Right. I get it." I nod. Off course, Pete hasn’t known me for long, he can’t tell the difference, but Mikey can. Now I have to eat and think of how to tell Pete that not today, and maybe not tomorrow, and maybe never, for his own sake.

 

"Hi Patrick" His tone is more than excited. He really made his best to look good today, it’s a shame I have to reject him, but such a guy deserves a better boyfriend.

"Hey, Pete, how are you?"

"Fine. So…"

"So… not today, Pete."

"What?! No, sure thing it was today, I… I…"

"Pete, I haven’t been what I can call _Okay_ , right? I’m sorry, I need some time and"

"You haven’t understood that I’ll wait in front of this parking until you say yes?" **You’re just proving me why you deserve something better**  I’m speechless. He doesn’t know me, and he doesn't like me, but he _LOVES_ me. How on Earth? I can’t do that. He gets closer to the car and puts his hand on my arm "I will, Patrick"

I can’t leave things this way. I need him. And I can’t live knowing I broke his heart.

"Well, maybe… how do you get home?"

"By bus, why?" **The question makes sense Pete, wait**

"Want me to take you?"

 _“Are you serious?”_ I can read in his eyes. **Same question here, buddy** , cause as soon as I close my mouth I wonder why I even suggested it.

"But… are you okay with that?"

"Well yeah, I’d totally do it. And, it’s a good first step, isn’t it?" He smiles, he understood that my intention was mending what I just did. "Come on, sit here."

He sits with a big smile on his face and feeling him so close it’s like heaven. His beautiful smile is contagious.

"So, where to?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize how chapters were going a little longer than expected, the story runs itself, I just follow it, wherever it wants to go :P


	14. You only hold me up like this ‘cause you don’t know who I really am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I just want to know what it's like to be you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *So, this is short but extremely nice, I liked it a lot :)  
> *I just want FOB references and stuff :P

The whole ride is silent, but in the red lights he tries to touch my knee. I don’t even try to stop him, he does himself, but he goes back and it feels amazing. We arrive to a one story little house close to the suburbs.

"That’s it" he says. We’re both dying to get in and not knowing what to do, but together. My heart aches, I want to ask him if I can sleep with him, at least just lying next to him, but none of us has the guts.

"Then, good night, Pete. See you tomorrow."

"Thanks Patrick, have a good night. See you."

Our eyes meet. This can’t be stopped. He leans towards me and my heart races, but he’s not reaching for my mouth, not now, which leaves and itching in my lips and I have to bite them. He kisses my cheek and it’s sweet and electric. He kisses me not just once, but several times. He presses his lips against my skin again and again. The touch is very soft, yet powerful, my asthma is a bitch and it’s hard to breath, but I don’t want this to stop. “Keep going” I’m not sure if I thought it or said it, anyway Pete doesn’t stop and my eyes are closed, so the only sense working now is the touch.

Then Pete gets closer I can feel his body weighing a little on me. He doesn’t move his mouth from my cheek, but that’s enough to keep me breathless. I’ve never gotten such sweet kisses. He puts his hand over my stomach and I freeze. I open my eyes and grab his wrist, I jump a little and he stops, he looks in my eyes and I try to smile.

"It’s.. did I…?"

"No, it’s not you it’s…" I can’t talk about this "Good night, Pete"

"Good night, Patrick."

He gets down the car and walks towards the door of his house as I try to catch my breath again. He looks back after opening the door and waves nervously. I wave back and he closes the door slowly behind him. I have to stay there a little to breathe because it’s been a while since I had an asthma attack and I didn’t think I’d need an inhalator again, so I don’t have one here. Side effect of overweight, and bad feeding afterwards.

I get home sweaty and happy as I’ve never been. I laugh like an idiot and touch my cheek. Pete kissed me, like he meant it. I go to bed and I realize I don’t feel any sick. Not wanting to puke, not wanting to use laxatives, a little complexed about my body, but a lot better about the rest. And I decide that if I can have Pete’s kisses, I’ll be better for ever after.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, I came back to the short chapters, but next one is a long one, and comes with a surprise :)


	15. Remember?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Would you mind if I sat next to you and watched you smile?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Surprise!! Okay, the surprise is it's Pete's POV, and I'll use it from now on in different chapters, I'll use italics for Pete and normal for Patrick :) Enjoy, thanks for reading :)

_I just kissed Patrick! Finally! I don’t know why I liked him so quickly, I felt some kind of connection with him, I just can’t explain it. But that’s the great thing about love, isn’t it? I thought today it would be another night of crying and wrist cutting when he said “not today”, but it came almost as good as I wanted it to be._

_His skin is perfect, he smells so good. I want to know if he tastes as good. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and get him to give me his mouth. Maybe it was too much for him, but he didn’t complain about my hand on his knee, so I don’t know what was that. He looked really freaked out, I thought I was allowed when he said “Keep going”. It felt so good hearing that._

_Anyways, I love knowing I’m getting closer each day. But there’s something about him that’s a little off. He said he was used to fainting while exercising, or so he let me understand. He looked so fragile in that hospital bed, and I understand why he was mad at me. People pretend they know what’s good for you when they’re outside your head, but they’ve never felt such a pain. It was a shame seeing him fainting, I was so shocked. I thought he was okay, cause I had been following him with my eyes since he came in. Just so perfect with his green eyes…_

_Today it’s a new day. Maybe today I’m gonna kiss him for real. He is the medicine I needed for my depression. I was off until I saw him, and even when he wanted me out in the beginning, I knew that pushing a little, things may change, and they did. Now he likes me, or at least he lets me kissing him, in his car. Things escalated unbelievably fast, though, I don’t know how to feel about that. Happy? Sad? Worried?_

_I count down the minutes until I see my favorite blond driving out of the parking lot. I don’t know what would happen today, though. I’ve always been nervous about talking to him and I bring back all the feelings of what happened yesterday. I don’t know how to greet him._

_"Hi, Pete" he says when he sees me. I love the way he looks so sexy and confident leaning out of the window and smiling._

_"Hi Patrick. I’m glad to see you…"_

_"Come in" he says after a cute giggle and I can almost feel the victory of having those lips for my own._

_I sit in what I now consider my spot in Patrick’s car. How many other people have been there? How close were them to Patrick?_

_"About yesterday…" I say before he begins driving. This might be a little too personal, but I just need to know, I have to know why he wouldn’t let me grab his waist and show him how much I want him "What was wrong when I hugged you?"_

_"Ah… well…  it’s a little hard to explain, you know?" He frowns, shit. I have to mend this now_

_"Okay, if you don’t want me to do it, that’s fine" he smiles melancholically, I want to hug him, tough. My hands hurts to the desire of being around him. "what can I do then?"_

_I’m surprised I kissed a guy I don’t know, who had an eating disorder, and doesn’t know I have my own thing, and it amazes how things evolved in a matter of seconds. The question I just asked is a little beyond what normal people would do when they’ve just met someone, but I feel I need to get far with Patrick like… now._

_He stares emptily with his hands on the steering wheel. Maybe he’ll tell me to get out of his car, which I wouldn’t stand._

_"Let’s just keep those kind of kisses for now, shall we?" I nod. It’s okay for now. But 'Those kind of kisses' mean no mouth and no hugs. I can live with that, but not for long. I take the chance and kiss him once. He giggles and starts the engine. The first meters are quiet, until he says "What do you like about me?"_

_"Well… I felt a connection with you when we chatted in the hospital" I still remember every word he said, and I remember it hurted like hell and that was the first day in months that I cut my wrists again, I also remember forgiving him because it was my fault, and then blaming him again, and then feeling okay, and then crying to sleep on the bathroom floor. "I felt you, erm.. understood me."_

_He doesn’t say a thing, for now. He’s not looking at me, which is perfect, ‘cause he’s driving._


	16. Let’s find out couple things!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Couple questions, couple answers that open the doors to new questions...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Back to Patrick's POV, knowing Pete's will be used again ;)

"It seems you didn’t have to be worried about that date after all."

It’s true. I’m singing, I’m smiling. I’m writing with no effort. I have the most stupid smile on my face.

"Yeah. It turned out pretty cool" **Pete kissed me! I got a hot boy for me and he kissed me!**  I don’t know how Mikey would react to that, so I keep it for myself. I know he wants the whole story, but after trying for a while and getting nothing, he stops trying.

Anyways, I was worried when he put his hand in the forbidden place of my body, that spot I hate and makes me feel horrible. I just can’t tell him. He’ll think I’m crazy and it’ll be just like with… I don’t wanna think about it.

Soon as I go out of the parking, I see Pete waiting for me. **As promised**  I think and smile. Why do I have to be such a dick with him and be off putting and lying to his face. I’ll have to greet first today, so he knows I like him.

"Hi, Pete" I say leaning out of the window, not knowing how on Earth I know the best way to get a flirting smile.

"Hi Patrick. I’m glad to see you…" I just have to giggle like a teenager, I’m so glad to see him, too.

"Come in" Then he opens the door and I hold my breath until he sits next to me.

I’m about to put my fingers on the keys when I hear his voice:

"About yesterday… What was wrong when I hugged you?"

"Ah… well…  it’s a little hard to explain, you know?" I frown. It’s not my favorite topic and I decided to not let him know.

"Okay, if you don’t want me to do it, that’s fine" I smile **Thanks for understanding**  "what can I do then?"

It is by far the hottest questions I’ve been asked. I try to find the answer far away from here beyond the front window, but it’s not there. What to say? I mean, I want him to hug me, I want him to own my body, even if it’s only with his hands, even if it’s like yesterday, simple hug in my car. But my body is highly disgusting and I think he’ll find it disgusting too. So I can’t let him know how horrible I am.

"Let’s just keep those kind of kisses for now, shall we?" For the moment, none of us agrees, but he nods and that may be okay. No hands in my belly, not until it’s acceptable, and I’ve been waiting long for it to happen, it’s really tough, so that won’t be soon "What do you like about me?" I just have to know. What can be so interesting about me that Pete noticed it?

"Well… I felt a connection with you when we chatted in the hospital" Oh… yeah, I was a jerk that day, so he liked that? no way "I felt you, erm.. understood me."

I. Am. Speechless. I understood Pete? The only people I truly understand are bulimics, and I pretend to understand people around me that get theirs noses in my business. So understanding Pete would mean… I was right with my guessing about him, he’s been here! He knows what’s it like. How? I look to the front the whole ride and only when I stop I realize I’ve learnt the way to Pete’s house and I’ve only been there once. It’s weird, but Pete doesn’t seem frightened. Actually, he seems pleased. I need to get my head a little clear from that and I know the perfect way. I turn to look at him and I kiss his cheek. He giggles, then kisses me back. I hold his face in my hands. Can I kiss his lips? **Well, there’s only one way to know.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment? :D


	17. I must confess… I’m no longer in love with my own sins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanna tell you everything...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *So... STUPID ME, I said I'd be more careful with the chapters... and I wasn't. SO cause I'm too distracted, I forgot to post one of the most important and sweetest chapters I've written. It explains a lot of things, and the story feels cut if you don't have this pone.
> 
> Thing is, so far, this thing has like 40 chapters, so I'm working with a very long document. SO some chapter numbers are wrong, and I didn't pay attention to this, until now.
> 
> It was 12:30 am and I was re-reading, so I could keep on writing what comes next, that's when I realize that in this webpage I haven't read something I've written, something extremely important.
> 
> I am REALLY SORRY, it's 1 am and I'm dying here, so, I'm gonna fix this little problem and won't update in some time, or until I get every chapter's number right.
> 
> I considered re-uploading, but nah. I think it's okay just fixing this.
> 
> If you get an e-mail, probably they'll tell you it's chapter #28, but this is actually #17(yeah, BIG mistake done here :/ ) I'll fix it later.
> 
> Again, sorry.*

_He’s holding my face in such a sweet way I can only imagine a kiss, but we’re both too nervous to get closer, even if it’s a little. I decide I can’t do it, not before coming clean and telling him the truth. And absolutely NOT before knowing what we are. At this point, I wanted to think of him as my boyfriend, but maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he won’t like me when I him tell the truth, so I can’t give him that kiss is he’s going away, for both our sakes._

**He’s not kissing me and I’m terrible at first steps, sooo this is awkward**  I just hold his face, somewhere in my brain considers this is enough, but a strongest part, the responsible of my disorders, says I need to do something NOW. So I get closer, and so does he, and we hesitate, but I finally put my lips… kinda close to his mouth, but not on it.

He kisses back, in my face, where his mouth happened to end, and I feel one of the best things I’ve felt: his hand on my knee.

_It was obviously not okay hugging him, I almost forgot and was about to put my hand in his waist, same spot as yesterday. But I reacted on time and I reached for his knee. There were no rules regarding the knees, and the proof is that he touched mine and pressed his fingers on it. We’re not kissing, but this is very close. I let him go and get far from him, but don’t let his knee go._

"There’s something I need to tell you." He says seriously and I think he’ll confirm what I’ve been thinking

"Okay" I say waiting for something

"But not now" **Okay, you don’t want to ruin this moment**  I get it, if he’s going to confess something, I’ll use that moment for the same. And come to think of it, it‘s better if he knows _everything_ about me. Yup, nasty details and stuff.

_"Okay, I get it" I knew he would "when?"_

_"Mhh…" tomorrow is too soon, and this is not enough time to say things. Plus, I feel the car is somehow special already, I don’t want to ruin what we’ve got here, I need a different spot. "what about saturday?" should I suggest lunch… or?_

_"Like, after lunch?"_

_"Wanna have lunch with me?"_

_"Yeah, sure."_

_"Great! So… would it be too much if I ask you to pick me up?"_

_"No, I’d be pleased to come get you this saturday"_

We haven’t put our hands out of each other’s knee, and this just calls for a kiss, or what we just did… so I touch his face again and get close… as a bad cliché, my cell phone buzzes.

"Hello?" **Joe, your timing is so horrible sometimes...**

"Hi Patrick what’s up?"

"Well… I’m… taking Pete to his house"

"Ohh… right… Hey, wanna do something this saturday?" and for the first time ever, I answered Joe:

"Nope, I’ve got plans" I cuddle Pete’s face as I look deeply into his eyes and he gives me that gorgeous smile. Joe chuckles at the end of the phone and says something like “I’ll leave you alone, then” and hangs.

_My hand’s no longer on his knee, but his thigh. He puts the phone away and the way he gets closer once again to kiss me makes me forget how much I wanted to kick the guy who called him. Speaking ‘bout cell phones…_

_"I don’t have your number" then I realize I was a dumb for stopping a kiss like that, but the thought just came._

_"Ah... yeah, that’s right" That just proves how little we know each other, but the kisses prove how little we care. After the number exchanging is done, we go back to our thing and I reduce just for a little the distance between our mouths._

_"Bye Patrick, see you tomorrow"_

_"Bye Pete. Good night."_

I just can’t wait to kiss him for real. I will on saturday, maybe. Things is, it’s wednesday. We still got way to go until then.

 


	18. What on Earth?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Normality is on vacation...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I certainly don't know what I'm gonna do when I finish this, cause there's still a lot to go, but I've written a good part and already have the ending planned. I got some other fanfics, but they are not turning as well as this one, or as well as expected. So I hope you enjoy this as much as I do and I'll see if I can bring you more :)

Mikey Way is never lost in thought unless it’s something big. He’s got problem writing or he’s got problems with his personal life. He’s motionless frowning in front of his screen, his breathing is heavy.

"You okay?"

"No." **Wow, that was fast**  He didn’t turn to see me, and that’s also weird, he always does.

"Wanna talk about it, or…?"

"No. It’s a family thing, you don’t need to know."

"... o...kay…" Mikey’s never that rude. Something’s wrong, but it’s none of my business.

I just sit and start writing. And turn to see him from time to time. He’s writing, but he’s mad at something. I decide to stop worrying about it because he’s not telling me anyway.

"Who are you dating?" he asks trying to look a little more normal. Dating? Are we dating? Mmm… let’s say we are, things can change this saturday though.

"Uhh… remember the waitor…?"

"Him?!" **Glad you’re smiling, dude**  "Cool. What’s his name?"

"Peter Wentz."

"Sounds good." Then he goes back to serious but not angry.

It’s thursday. It’s gonna be weird taking Pete home today. I didn’t think about it. But he’s there, looking amazingly normal.

We get there after chatting a little along the road. We didn’t talk about each other’s issues, maybe we just have to save it for saturday. He’s funny, he’s got weird music taste, but I can’t say anything myself. We sing along to couple popular songs and laugh at stupid jokes. Then we turn silent when we arrive to his house. What’s next is weird and really hard to explain.

"Patrick, I love you" He says. I didn’t think that would come this soon, though things with Pete are just easy and don’t fit the regular parameters. His voice is breaking, and he looks sad "I do. And I don’t want to hurt you..."

"Wow, Pete, I…"

"Please, don’t hate me" his eyes are filling with tears

"What’s wrong, Pete?" He’s worrying me

"I love you, I just can’t…" then he starts crying like crazy

"Pete please, what’s wrong?"

He says nothing. He just cries and cries and won’t hear me, nor say a thing.

"Pete, please!! Come on, you need to go home."

He nods, or so it seems. But anyways, he doesn’t move, so I just have to get out of the car and open his door. He covers his face with his hands and is crying like a little kid, or as if he had just lost his mother.

"Pete, help yourself, stand up." He doesn’t really wants to. I put his arm around my shoulders and take him out. It’s hard walking someone this way, considering I’m super weak because of my irregular weighing. I take the key out of his pocket after noticing it’s useless asking for it. Then I realize I’m about to get into Pete’s house. I shake, my hands start sweating, but I do it.

It’s just a normal house, is messy, but no more than mine.

"Where’s your bedroom… Pete?" he’s almost asleep. Crap, maybe I’ll just have to leave him in the sofa. When I’m done, he seems in coma. "Come on, man, what’s wrong with you?" I stay until I decide he’s okay. He looks cute sleeping. This is not the kind of situation I imagined for seeing Pete asleep, but it’s cool anyway. I smile and pet his hair. He looks so calm, it’s making me wanna stay and sleep next to him, but I can’t, I gotta go. I kiss his cheek. "I love you, too. Goodbye, Petey."

I get in my car after checking his door is well locked and I go home. What the hell just happened? I can’t get to understand or explain, today was just a weird day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are highly appreciated ;)


	19. Like a hangover, just a little worse.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't remember life... I just can't

_I don’t remember going to sleep. I don’t remember deciding to sleep on the couch. I just remember chatting with Patrick in the car, the rest is just blank. Then maybe that was a dream and today it’s thursday. I check my phone and no, it’s not thursday, it’s friday. So, how did I get here? Maybe I was too tired to remember that. Other thing that worries me, is that I don’t remember kissing Patrick. It’s making me a little upset. Did I? Didn’t I? Why?_

_I can’t focus on work. My boss is calling my attention for the second time and I just nod, not really caring of what he says, I’ve got more important things to think about. I’ve been planning my confession since the day I met Patrick and the idea that he’ll abandon me like my former boyfriend did kills me._

_"Understood?"_

_"Yes, sir."_

_My favorite time of the day arrives, so I stand in front of the parking and wait. The same cars come out in the same order. It’s almost time, Patrick will be out in 3… 2… 1…_

_WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!_

_I sneak into the parking and find that it’s empty. Patrick’s car is not there. What if he doesn’t like me anymore? What if he came out earlier so he didn’t have to take me home? What if he doesn’t want to know what I have to say? What if…?_

_"Lost something?" I turn violently and find him smiling in the dim lights of the parking. I have to stop myself from running to him._

_"Oh, God, I was worried, you wouldn’t come out and… where’s your car?"_

_"Ahh… yeah, that. Stupid Joe crashed his and he needed one urgently. I told him I could walk here, so I did. Sorry I can’t drive you home today."_

_"No, it’s fine" Now I can breathe, relieved that it wasn’t my fault._

_"I’ll have it for tomorrow, sure thing, so don’t worry" he says and I realize that he’s walked towards me and he’s close now._

_Not really thinking about it, I put my hands on his shoulders and kiss his cheek. He kisses back and then looks into my eyes with a funny stare and a smile._

_"What happened yesterday?" Yesterday? something happened yesterday? could it be that… SHIT! Not with him, fuck!_

_"What did I do?"_

_"Well, you started crying and then wouldn’t react, so I got you inside your house and put you in the sofa, you were asleep, like… in coma"_

_"Fuck" I whisper. "Did I say something?"_

_"No, you were crying, so I couldn’t understand."_

_"Oh, great. I’ll explain tomorrow, okay?"_

_"Perfect. So, I guess I’ll just walk and you’ll take the bus." No! I want him to go with me "what’s wrong?"_

_"I… want  you to come with me… I’m getting used to" I confess, a little ashamed. "But if you can’t, or don’t want to, it’s fine."_

_"Why not? Let’s go"_

_The horrible thing about the bus is that it’s not private like his car, so we can’t kiss freely. Good thing is that there’s no gear shift between us, and I can feel his leg against mine and he doesn’t have to keep his eyes on the road, so he can see me._

_We get to the stop and walk couple squares until we get to my door. So I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss his cheek over and over. I’m still too nervous to dare to kiss his lips, even when I’m dying to. I never got a goodbye kiss in front of my door and I find it quite romantic, so having Patrick here today it’s just great. He leaves and I get inside the house._

Pete’s the love of my life, I know now. He’s my love. But I just couldn’t tell him he confessed me his love, could I? I’m gonna keep it as a sweet secret, I’ll cherish forever, even when it was weird, but then again, what’s normal with my life?

 


	20. This is my confession (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, this looks a lot longer in my doc than it does here, so I can consider it a long chapter. It has a lot of information, so it can be long for that too :)

Today’s the day. _This is it._ I have to go pick Pete up. _I’m counting down the seconds._ I ring the bell for the first time since I met him.

_"Hi!"_

_"Hi Pete, how you’ve been?"_

_"Great."_

_"So… where to?" I just love it when he says that_

We get to a really nice restaurant I’ve never seen. For some strange reason, I don’t feel worried about the size of the portion and the calories count. I thought it would be really hard acting normal with Pete around, but now that I decided to let him in and have given in to having something between us, I feel like just out of rehab: happy and healthy, eager to have lunch with my… almost boyfriend.

_"Now, I want to go somewhere else-"I say when we’re done eating. I thought it would be harder for Patrick to eat, but it seems I was right, he’s okay now. He’s great at talking and conversations with him flow easily._

_"Okay."_

_I guide him to a beautiful sightseeing spot I love. Maybe it’s to soften a little this horrible confession. It’s not a very popular place, so I can come and cry about him when he runs away saying he can’t stand my sickness… it already happened to me, this shouldn’t be different. I lean in the railing of the balcony and stare emptily… I take a deep breath, I feel Patrick getting close to me, but he doesn’t lean. This is it…_

_"I am bipolar. And suicidal. I’ve always had problems with my self-esteem even when people didn’t pick up on me and I was kinda popular. I cut my wrists and was addicted to antidepressants, I actually tried to commit suicide with an overdose of Ativan, I lived with my mother after that. Then she discovered the addiction and the wrist cutting, and after lots of therapy, I got this diagnose and they decided to put me in a rehabilitation center, it’s called National Clinic for Behavior and Drug Abuse Rehab. After I was out, I started, you know, “feeling better” and having a better life, so I started hanging with friends and dating guys._

_"Unfortunately, this shit has no cure, so I’ll be crazy forever after, I go to the doctor often and have a bunch of pills to take daily, you know, to keep my mood changes a little controlled, I’m still “tied” to the Clinic somehow. One of the guys I dated cast me out after I told him this story, and I had another fruitless Ativan suicide attempt, and wrist cutting, but no one knew about it… until now."_

_I shut up. I don’t dare looking to him, maybe he’s already gone, it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s no longer there, or if he is and is going to tell me something horrible and leave. Surprisingly he’s there, and he comes closer, my heart races and I just wait…_

I couldn’t tell Pete would have such a story. It explains what happened on thursday, though. But still, he doesn’t look like the wrist cutting kind. Now it’s my turn, so I get close and lean next to him, I mimic his position, with the arms crossed and hiding my head in my shoulders.

"Well, I had an eating disorder, but you already knew that" he turns his eyes, but not his head "what you, or anyone who has read the column, don’t know, is that I fell so hard, I also went to a rehab center, as a coincidence, the same you went to. I had those terrible habits of starving, throwing up, using laxatives, and all that stuff you can find when you type 'anorexia' or 'bulimia' on Google. When I was at high-school I was bullied because of my weight, and I couldn’t date guys and wanted to kill myself. At the beginning, I tried the old 'Yes, I am fat' trick, to self assure, to assure myself in front of everyone, but I didn’t quite believe it. And due to my shyness, I fell into the circle of hiding myself behind my weight and eating to forget my problems. Then I realized how fat I was, I had to lose weight. It’s not that easy, not like going to the gym and stop eating, it’s not easy at the beginning, but I did it. Still, I hated my body, that’s the hard part, according to every doctor I talked to.

"So I thought I had to push harder, that’s when I became bulimic, you know, the throw up for guilt thing; then anorexic, and did the stupid thing of exercising to death, which… well…, so, my weight dropped under healthy. My family put me in the Clinic and most of my friends, vanished. Then I ruined Joe’s life. He’s not my friend, he’s like... my second brother. He asked for permission to stay couple nights in the clinic, ‘cause I couldn’t put up with the nurses. Then when I came out he lived with me, to make sure the recovery was a sure thing. Then I tried to go back with my… boyfriend? well, I was dating him. He said he didn’t want my craziness to ruin his life and blah, blah, blah. I got my recovery and stuff, but like… three weeks ago I came back to throwing up, because I was worried to gain that much weight again. I came back to my bad habits, then… I met you."

_My story seems really short compared to his. It might have been self cruelty to write about the rehab center in a webzine column, I understand why he didn’t. Like… don’t get me wrong, the doctors are nice, the nurses are nice, everything is good and they are true professionals, but when you’re the one stuck in the crazy head, you don’t want anyone to get their noses in. And knowing that you’re wrong and nothing can help it and, as he said, ruin someone else’s life, and no matter how hard you try things don’t work, it makes you feel worse and stuff. Anyway, I kinda feel happy for hearing that, I finally turn to him and smile._

_"I knew I had a connection with you."_

_"Yeah, we have points in common."_

 


	21. This is me confessing now (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God bless the sad and selfish...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting somewhere :D

"So, would that explain what I saw last thursday?"

"Ehm… yeah, sometimes I’m not the owner of my actions, doctors tried to help it, but they couldn’t reach that far inside my wrecked head. What would your story explain?"

"I hate my body. I’ve always had. When I was fat, it was because of the overweight, when I lost weight, the skin would just fall horribly, and then I tried to fix it with exercise, but it didn’t quite work. I tried almost everything, I never considered surgery, though. I thought it was an 'easy way out', and it’s too expensive. Also, a girl I met at the center had a surgery done, but it almost killed her, and it didn’t do what she expected so she had to go back to starving and stuff, it sucks a lot. So I didn’t consider plastic surgery to fix my skin, that’s why it still looks horrible, it’s just disgusting, I don’t want people to see it or…"

"Touch it." I just nod "but… I want to"

"But you haven’t seen it" things can begin to break here

"But I don’t care! Because I _know_ you. Well, I don’t _know_ you, but I’ve talked to you enough to know you’re wonderful, and

"And weight is not what matters, and it’s just a little part of me, and the outside doesn’t matter as long as you’re a 'good person' but… I can’t feel comfortable in my skin, and I’ve never felt as wonderful. I’ve hurt myself selfishly, I’ve ruined the life of people around me, I’ve lied to them, and… I’m _so ugly."_  I feel my eyes flooding, it feels like my first break up, so I think I might go, I wait for Pete to say he’s not gonna stand this. I knew letting him in was a bad idea…

_I don’t care what he’s said, he’s about to cry and I love him, I kinda understand why he’s being so mean to himself, but I just gotta do it. I hug him, I hug him really tight, he needs to know how much I love him, in spite of his looks, in spite of knowing he gives a shit on 'inspirational talk'. I feel him hiding his face in my shoulder and hugging back. He’s crying. I wonder how long he’s hold that back. I just let him, crying is relaxing, and when you cry you don’t need people telling you to stop, specially when they don’t understand what you’re going through. Nobody understands pain more than someone who’s been there._

_I didn’t think this would end up like this, I didn’t imagine he had such a story, I mean, eating disorders are fuck, but I’ve never met someone who would openly tell me their story, plus, Patrick’s someone I like. So it’s a little hard for me hearing that, that’s why I just let him blow off steam._

"Thank you." No one has ever hugged me silently. Joe has hugged me, but he kept on saying 'it’s okay', 'things will get better', 'calm down' and stuff. I know he tried his best to make me feel better. But he just didn’t know how to, because his head has always worked right. Pete’s a mess, so he knows what’s it like and what I need.

"Do you feel better?"

"If I have to be totally sincere… NO, but I’m really thankful" I’m hugging Pete and I’ve got his arms around my neck. I release the hug and so he does. I clean my face and turn back to him. "I might look horrible."

"If you think that, then you haven’t seen an Ativan suicide…"

"I’m so sorry you tried to do that, you’re amazing" now that I know him, I fall in the 'I can’t imagine my life without you', but I just can’t, even when I tried to take him out in the beginning, having the first date that works just as wrong as me and won’t turn his back at me ‘cause 'I’m crazy' is great.

_"That’s what I just told you" he tries to reply, but he can’t. He knows I’ve got him. People has told me I’m amazing, but this is the first time I truly believe it._

_He looks into my eyes deeply, he looks bad, after all that crying, and he looks fragile, like in the hospital bed. But still, he looks great, because I think he looks great, I think it should be enough for him. And it must be enough for him, because he smiles and holds my face in his hands. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I put my hands on his hair and smile back. I wanted him to accept me the way I am to be sure I’d kiss him without regret. And I’m about to, and his eyes are shining. And I can’t breathe._

So we get closer and I close my eyes when I press my front against his. I’m still too nervous to kiss him, and he doesn’t either. Then we laugh like two idiots and at last, I do. And his lips are soft and I can’t find the words to describe how amazing it feels…

_I kiss back as strong as I can, so he can feel how much I want to be with him forever… okay, I don’t know if you can say that through a kiss, but I can try, right? We can’t breathe, that’s sure, so we have to stop it, which is a shame, because it’s the greatest kiss I’ve ever had._

_-You’re like a little angel- I say and he giggles.- I love you._

_-I love you too, Petey- and that’s the cutest nickname I’ve gotten._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy this is getting such a good reception, thanks everyone who reads and leave kudos, Love ya!!


	22. You’re the antidote to everything except for me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not as good as expected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry :P

I’m doing everything I wanted to do during high school with a boyfriend. Pete’s all I ever wanted for a boyfriend. I stopped starving and puking, as if I never needed it.

_Patrick’s the cure I was looking for. Okay, my brain needs all the pills and stuff, but Patrick boosts the effects. Sounds dumb, but it’s true. The only bad thing about him is his low self esteem and that still, he won’t let me hug him. Maybe it’s not because of him, maybe it’s because he doesn’t want ME to do it, like, I’m not good enough to do it, it kills me, it might be real, it can be real, what if it’s real?!_

_"You okay?" I’m not, I’m thinking about this too hard and long as the ride has gone, I’ve been looking through the window silently._

_"Ehm, well, no, like… I’ve been thinking… we… I… you…" I can’t fucking say it, now he may think I’m an idiot, this is it…_

_"What’s wrong?" he asks smiling, but obviously concerned._

If I did something I didn’t realize I had done, I need him to tell me now, because he’s been abnormally quiet and terrifyingly serious. Maybe I said something I didn’t mean to, this is crazy, **Speak up, man!**

"Why can’t I hug you?" **And again with that**

"Pete, I told you"

"I don’t think you’re horrible!"

"How can you know, if you’ve never seen me?"

"How can I know if you’ve never shown me?!"

"I… can’t! I don’t want to… I… don’t like it"

"But what if _I_ do?!" he raises his voice with every word and I feel a little terrified, I’ve read bipolars tend to be violent, he told me he’s hurt people, so I try to calm him down

"Pete, please, not now"

"So when?!"

"Is it the only thing that matters?!" now I raise my voice, and feel a little hurt

"NO, you don’t get it! I want to get far because I know you! And I love who you are, how you look like it’s like a plus!"

"Or a minus! You never thought about, did you?"

"Come on, Patrick, you’re being rude to yourself"

"It’s the only thing I know!"

"Then change that!"

"You think I can change that? It’s not easy!"

"But you’re not fucking tied to it neurologically! You can do something about it, why don’t you?!"

We’re both breathing hard and frowning. Maybe Pete’s not entirely here right now. His eyes are burning, he can’t hold my sight and starts looking everywhere, his jaw is tense and shaking.

"You know what? See you." He finally says and gets out of the car, slams the door and enters his house without turning to see me.

_I slam the door behind me and put my back against it. Then I feel the tears coming, I start crying and think about how rude Patrick is and how much I hate him. And I hate him, but I don’t know why. I’m mad at him, but I don’t know what just happened there. I only cry and think how much Patrick hurted me, I don’t remember how, but he did._

_When I can finally blink and open my eyes, and see clear, I find myself sitting on the ground, it’s really dark and my legs and my butt hurt. My back is tense and my whole body is aching. I check my phone and see it’s 2:50 am. I start walking to my bedroom with the thought of the discussion I just had with Patrick pounding in my head. Surprisingly, I can remember what he said, and what I said, and…_

_WHAT HAVE I DONE?!! Shit, shit, shit, shit. What did I just tell him? My heart menaces to stop due to fear and my sight gets blury. Okay, it’s okay, deep breath… great, things are clear now. I just have to apologize, I have to do it now._

"Hello?" I’d kill anyone who’d call me at 3:00 am while I’m in the middle of my sleep, but this is Pete and I let him behave like someone who’s not normal because… he isn’t.

"I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please Patrick, I’m sorry, you don’t know how sorry I am."

"I get it Pete" he sounds helpless and weak, yet cute, and I wanted him to say that, so I smile.

"But you forgive me, right? Please, tell me you’ve forgiven me, I’ll do anything, I… I…"

"I do Pete, I forgive you."

"Ah!! Thank you, I’m so sorry, I was horrible back then, like I didn’t mean what I said, well maybe, but no! I mean, I didn’t want to hurt you..."

"It’s okay Pete, I understand. And I think you’re right, I have to do something about this. I’ll try my best, I promise, I’ll do it for you."

"Aww Patrick. I love you. But you know, even if you had never known me, or even if this doesn’t work, which I don’t want to happen, I want you to do this for you. Everything you do is for you, okay? It’s something I learnt at the Clinic, I can’t really help myself, but you can, you’re uh… neurologically free to do it, then you can live better, for you, promise?"

Pete knows exactly how to make me smile like the biggest idiot on Earth, I chew the whole thing he said, I learnt that at the Clinic too, but they became just words after a while. Pete makes them real, and the Ultimate Life Advice To Live Better, so I finally understand them and for the first time, I think I can make them 100% true, not 70% like when I finished my treatment.

"Yes, I promise to take care of me."

"Sounds great. Good night, little angel."

"Good night, Petey, I love you."

"I love you, Patrick. See you tomorrow."

I can tell he’s smiling when he’s talking, and he sends me a kiss through the phone. I feel silly and happy, so I do the same and after giggling like idiots, we hang. I have a peaceful night after that.

_My conscious is clean now, I can go to sleep knowing my little angel doesn’t hate me. I just have to be a little more careful with what I say from now on, I don’t know how I’ll do it, I just have to._


	23. What are things like in those heads?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell me?

"Patrick, do you know what’s it like to be addicted to something toxic that can kill you?"

Mikey’s not being Mikey again. Just like the other day, he’s staring at the screen with an expression beyond his natural seriousness, he spits words offensively and doesn’t look at me when he speaks. It almost offended me and really took me out of guard that he asked it so directly, then he thinks I was addicted to something. I was, but I never told him, so he’s just assuming, and he’s really good at. **What the fuck _is_ Mikey Way?**  Maybe he can read minds or something…

"Well, depends, what do you want to know?"

"Were you addicted to something like that?"

"Kind of. But it’s disgusting, so I won’t tell you"

"Okay. I need to know couple things."

"Sure, what is it?"

"First: Do you really know that you’re addicted to something toxic?"

"Well, most of times they don’t, sometimes we do, but we try to ignore it because we like it."

"Fine. Now, when you know it’s toxic, why do you keep on using it?"

"Because we feel we need it"

"But why?"

"Well, in my case, low self esteem. I thought it would change my looks so that would change the way I see my self and make me look like… socially acceptable, I guess. So I thought it could solve the problem."

"But it hurt you…"

"Uhh… yes"

"It hurt people around you…"

"... yes…"

"Then why did you...? Why do people like you do that?"

"Because we’re fucks, man"

"Yes but why?!" he finally turns around and his expression is not one of a cold blood assassin like before, it’s more like a hurt puppy.

"I don’t know, Mikes. If I knew, if we knew, rehab centers wouldn’t exist and we could solve our problems ourselves." he turns around again

"But why?" he whispers, and I know he’s no longer asking me, he’s asking someone else, someone who’s not here.

"Can I know why are you asking that?"

"No. It’s a family thing. You don’t need to know." he’s the assassin again.

But he’s hurt. He’s a _Joe_ , and he’s got his own _Patrick_ to deal with. **Sorry man, I apologize in the name of my whole species of Self Harming Fucks, including you fucked relative. We are sorry that we hurt you, Cool Normal Healthy People. Sorry, sometimes we’re just fucks, but sometimes we can’t help it**

"Can you fix that yourself?" he asks again after a while. I think about Pete and what he said.

"Well, if we get help and someone teaches us how to, eventually, we’ll do it."

"What if you’ve already gotten help but it doesn’t work and you go back?"

"You mean relapse."

"Yeah, whatever, what then?" Yeah, stupid correction, sorry. Thing is that at rehab centers and with doctors, you learn all the technical names of stuff, I can’t help but to bring things up.

"Go back, go look for some other help, uhm… find someone to help you, even if it’s not a doctor."

"You mean, even if he’s been to the doctor, even if I’ve been there for him, he still needs _more help_? Like, it wasn’t enough?" now that’s a _he_. Good starting point.

"Well, people are different, you know? It happened to me, I’m getting better each day thanks to that, so maybe he needs more time to get it right, okay?" I try to calm him down.

He doesn’t know what’s it like to be sick, but I don’t know what’s it like to take care of a sick relative. Must hurt like hell, I’ve tried to understand mine, but I just can’t, like they can’t understand me. I think that’s the hardest part for them, not knowing what the fuck is wrong with you and why, not knowing how to fix it, to have a normal son-brother-friend-boyfriend. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I gave a fuck, I _wanted_ that, they didn’t.

"Okay. So, Peter, he’s helping you?" **Then we changed topic from _Him_ to me… fine**

"Well, yeah."

"Do you think that’s what he needs?"

"Maybe, you never know."

"It’s gonna be hard, but it may work. Thanks." I’m starting to think that every time Mikey Way smiles you get a chance to make a wish, since it’s a weird phenomena.

"You’re welcome."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and the love :3


	24. More wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life lessons, pleasure sessions...

I start waking up with little breaths taking the scent around me. This is not my bedroom, it’s not my bed, and it’s not empty. Everything smells like Pete and my darling himself is right there, his back turned to me. From what happened yesterday, I won’t be able to sit like in a week, but it was worthy. I love seeing the tattoos on his skin. I make my fingers roll on them and smile. Anyway, it’s monday, it’s 4 am, Pete’s house is a little further from my office and I have to be there at 7:30. It would hurt me for the rest of the day, but I just gotta go. I don’t want to wake him up, but I can’t leave just like that, or leave a note, or a message. I whisper his name as I rub his shoulder.

"Hmmm… that’s a great way to wake up, isn’t it" he mumbles as he turns to see me with that gorgeous smile that drives me crazy.

"Petey, I gotta go."

"But why?" he complains like a little kid.

"It’s monday, honey, I gotta work."

Pete laughs and hugs me, I don’t know what’s going on.

"It’s Bank Holiday!" then he reminds me of a national holiday I didn’t remember we had, I didn’t pay attention to that. **Really?**  "that’s why I chose yesterday for that, right?" he laughs and I do so.

He yawns and stretches and on purpose rolls the blanket up to our hips. Then he puts his hand there and I get nervous.

"Come on, Patrick, what happened yesterday?, it was easy couple hours ago, wasn’t it?"

"Well, yeah, but, I don’t know, Pete."

"Okay, let’s make things better. Close your eyes, honey."

Then he starts rubbing my belly and it hurts, like always. I want him to stop, but I can’t say it. He keeps going. I finally can’t take it anymore and turn around.

"Come back." I do but I hesitate. He puts his hand back and I frown. "You know, I don’t see anything horrible about it, I like it, a lot. Actually" he puts his arms around my waist and pulls me closer "it turns me on."

My breath is cut and he kisses me hungrily. My heart doesn’t know how to work anymore. I just follow and hug him back, it’s just a matter of seconds until he’s over me and I’m on my back. I don’t open my eyes. He makes his fingertips dance on my thigh.

"Feel, little angel, just feel. Do you like this?"

"Oh yeah, a lot." It’s hard to put some air in my lungs to talk

"And if I put it here" then his hand goes back to my stomach "do you like it?"

"No, Pete, please"

"Shhh. It's okay. Don’t think about where is it, think about how it feels. How does it feel?" I start focusing on that. "how is it?"

"Great. Just amazing. Just great."

"I feel the same. Because I like your body, I do. Are you better?"

"Just right"

"I like it that way" and he kisses back.

I didn’t think anyone could ever make me feel better about my body, but Pete did. I tried to make it impossible for him, but he’s better than anything I imagined. What can I say? He’s the best, I love him. He licks my neck and I almost forget what’s it like to be in the real world. Very aware of what I’m doing, I put my lips next to his ear and whisper “Keep going”

"Your wishes are orders, my little angel."

Suddenly, my phone’s alarm sounds announcing it’s 5 am already, and Pete grabs it and turns it off. Then he lays next to me and says

"Come on, free mondays are meant for sleeping until 2 pm" then he hugs me and closes his eyes. He looks so peaceful that I just hug back and fall asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I got to change the tags on this because of this chapter :P


	25. Replay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So you can get, get addicted to this...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Soo... I think this chapter was necessary, I think it was nice writing it, however, it's the first time I write something like that, so surely you've read better things :P anyway, hope you like it

_As promised, we sleep until 2 pm. Patrick’s there, with his eyes half open, tracing the tattoo of my neck with his little finger. He seems hypnotised by it, maybe he hasn’t noticed I’m already awake, but I don’t wanna tell him. I like to see him that way, so innocent, so pure, so mine. It’s me who he likes. He slept with me, he let me own his body for one night, for the very first night of his life. I could do everything I wanted to do to him, and he answered with passion, and love, and sweet moaning like I’ve never heard. I covered all his body with my hands, his whole skin belongs to me. He said it, his body is mine, and my body is his. His only presence is like a natural mood regulator and I feel healthy for the first time of my life._

_He looks up and the sight of his green eyes make me lose control. I kiss him with all my might and feel his smile under my lips. Maybe it’s too soon, but I just gotta do it again, I gotta own him again._

"Are you hungry?" he says biting my lip. We both know what he means. Quickly he sets our positions back and all it’s frenzy. I love feeling his skin burning against mine, his body weighing on me. Then we share an orgasm, and we call each other’s name loud, happily, freely. If there was anyone in the kitchen, they’d have heard, if there was anyone walking in front of the house, they’d probably have heard. Then he stopped, but didn’t come out of me, he just leaned completely on me and started kissing my shoulder.

"Geez, I thought I’d never enjoy this again…" he says melancholically with his lips pressed against my skin.

"Really?"

"Yeah, side effect of being me…"

It’s sad. I mean, I was virgin not so long ago, but still, losing that kind of pleasure just sucks. I kinda understand why he wanted to touch me so badly, he wanted to feel that, he needed to know he could feel this pleasure again.

"But you’re here" he continues "I feel great. Well, I had never made love to a little angel before, so this is new, and awesome. You make me feel better, alive, happy, you make me _feel_. I love you." 'Making love': waay different from just 'having sex' or 'fucking someone'. I was special, just like he was special.

"I love you too, Petey, same reasons."

So he resumes his thrust and it’s a hundred times more passionate, more electric, more violent, more powerful, I feel it in every single cell of my body and when I can get some air, I scream his name. I call his name cause it’s the only thing I know right now. I only now Pete, and his body, and his passion, and his love. He calls my name, and kisses my neck, and holds my hands. He says “I love you” in my ear with every thrust and I can’t talk anymore, just scream. Maybe the whole neighborhood knows what’s going on here. I don’t want this to stop. I reach the top of the ecstasy, and it seems my asthma doesn’t want to work today, so I can get my breath back and don’t die trying. I feel Pete taking his cock out and now I know I won’t be able to sit in like two weeks, but this was beyond worthy. This just erased all the pain I’ve felt in my life and replaced it by something wonderful.

"Man, this was awesome" Pete’s voice is soft and rough, he’s trying hard to breathe. **Gotta do this again, don’t you think?**  well, not _now_ , but often. He’s facing my back, so he hugs me and grabs my belly, and it just feels amazing, he combines that with kisses on the back and holding my hand.

I turn and look into his eyes, I kiss him passionately, I’ve never been so hungry, even before the rehab. He grabs my thigh and I moan over the kiss. He laughs, and so I do, with our lips tied together, like nothing could ever separate us.

"Are you hungry? Like.. for real food, since it’s lunchtime or so…" he says.

"Yes, why not?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I get the feeling that I'm not really good at this :P hehe  
> *Thanks for leaving a review on this :)


	26. We all got little secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They come out, eventually...

I take a shower after having lunch with Pete. As expected, I can’t sit… kind of. Pete helped me with that, though, and after I was ready, I came back to my house. Joe hasn’t called me, which is weird since he is always in touch and even if in the last weeks I’ve been -in his words- The Best Version of Me, he’s got the habit of calling at least once. He hasn’t, and it doesn’t upset me, ‘cause he didn’t interrupt any single precious second spent with Pete.

I arrive to the building and take the stairs because I’ve always been paranoid about getting stuck in an elevator and taking the stairs is healthy. I’m an expert in going up and down stairs quiet as a mouse because I did it overspeed at 3 am at least 50 times, then I could just wish I could be able to grab the doorknob and faint _inside_ the apartment, so no one would know what happened.

I take the key out of my pocket just as quiet and for some reason, I turn to my left to find a cute couple kissing in front of my neighbor’s door. My jaw drops when I see Joe hugging ‘Something’ Hurley. I bite my tongue, I can’t laugh, or scream, or make any sound. I just can’t interrupt that, so I open the door feeling more like a ninja than ever and close it slowly behind me.

Fifteen seconds after that, Joe opens the door and freezes when he sees me in the kitchen with a very funny smile on my face

"When did you arrive?" he’s paler than the walls and he’s shaking.

"Just in time" I answer with the laughter stuck in my throat. Now Joe’s red as I’ve never seen him before, and I take care of not being loud, but I give myself the pleasure to laugh at the situation and his facial expression." I see why you like hanging around here so much and why you didn’t call me today."

"Well… where the hell were you?" he tries to be serious, but I’m the one who makes the mistakes and hide the secrets here, so he doesn’t know how to do that.

"Pete’s" I say without hesitation.

"Okay, tell me how was your day, will you? Why don’t you _sit_? You seem tired, come and _sit_ to the table and tell me." he’s looking defiantly in my eyes, and even if I’ll hate me afterwards, I take the dare and sit, trying to hold back the pain’s frown. **I’m not telling you, unless you wanna know the little naughty details.**

"It was great. He’s got a nice house, and we watched a movie and then had lunch" not in that order, the movie came sunday night before sleeping, and the lunch, before coming back here, but he doesn’t need to know, does he?

"And... what else?"

"Nothing weird. What did _you_ do with my nice neighbor today? You seemed kinda busy." I need to stand up, but seeing Joe turning red is funny, so I just take it.

"Well… first date, I guess…"

"Really? then that escalated really fast!" I can’t really talk myself, but I’m not the normal guy here, I met a bipolar while exercising to death in the gym; I can consider that my 'first date' with him, I don’t have to be normal or standard. And making fun of Joe is hilarious.

"It seems your recovery is a sure thing, isn’t it?" he’s a little pissed off that I got the upper hand with this one and wants to take control again.

"Yes, it is."

"How’d you do that? _What_ did you _do_ to get that?"

"Where do you wanna get, Joe?"

"You slept with him?" he asked feeling a little stressed, judging from his voice. He just wanted me to say it, he’s desperate to know. I stand up defiantly and look in his eyes.

"It’s making love, it’s different" then I turn laughing at his disgusted face and go to my bedroom.

"You’re sick, Stump."

"Well, you asked for it. Ah, yeah, I nearly forgot" I say turning to see him "what’s his name? I know he’s Hurley, but can you tell me? I think he hates me so I’ve never asked his name, and I’m very curious."

"Andy"

"Andy?"

"It’s Andrew, okay?"

"Okay!" **You’ve got your little secrets too, don’t you, Trohman?**

 


	27. I can’t stand it, I get so worried.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey gets so low...

"Patrick, what’s it like to be gay _and_ having a mental disorder?" **There we go again**. I’m kinda getting used to Mikey’s new 'greeting', but I think he’s not really aware of what he’s asking.

"Listen, I will gladly answer whatever you ask, but when you do you’re out of your head and you’re being a little rude, so, make the thing a little softer, right?"

"Yeah, sorry, I…" he was sitting tight and his face was made of rock, but when I said that all the core crumbled down and he sunk on his chair revealing a facial expression I know very well. His eyes are closing and surrounded by black circles. He puts his glasses off and turns his head to the ceiling, or the heaven, he takes deep breaths with his jaw loose, his hands fall on his lap. It’s the posture of a man that can’t take it anymore. It’s mom. It’s Kevin. It’s Joe. He’s about to cry, but he holds it back. "I can’t think."

"Are you gonna tell me now what’s that familiar problem so I can help you? I know that you don’t want people to know, it’s crap, it’s degrading, it’s a shame. The healthy-minded of the family always want to hide and deny because it’s hard knowing that who’s supposed to be your normal beloved someone is a piece of crap. But if I don’t know what’s going on, maybe the advice I give you works for nothing."

His eyes are still closed, and he seems asleep, but tense. He sits properly and put his glasses back on. He doesn’t turn to see me, and finally, hesitating if he should trust he, me says

"It’s my brother, he’s alcoholic." Knowing that he’s not going further with the 'tragic story' of his brother, I open my mouth to say something, but he continues "I hesitated a lot about making you this questions, I asked every doctor I know, but as you say, the doctor thinks different from the patient, so I needed to know how do patients think. The thing is I only know two patients: you and him. I was too nervous to ask something in the beginning, I’ve been planning to say those things for weeks, but I didn’t know how to. The day before I asked you the first question he had a…"

"Relapse."

"Yeah, that, thanks. So that morning I was barely dying. I just came out with the words that were in my head. I’m mad at him, but I’m also really worried. Now my head isn’t working properly and I’m desperate, this is out of my hands, it’s not like the first time. Please, Patrick, forgive me. I know I was rude, but I… I don’t know what to do" his jaw is shaking and his voice is breaking.

"It’s okay, it’s okay. I know that relatives suffer, I don’t know how much or how, but you do. So, alcoholic" I say it with the lowest audible volume I can use. You don’t want that word to be yelled in the middle of the office. "anything else? I was depressed, had a low self esteem, was addicted to… I’m sorry, do you really want the details?"

"Well, if they’re necessary."

"I think so. Where was I? Addicted to throwing up, using laxatives, exercising to death, starving. Basically, anorexia mixed with bulimia and a high dose of bullying at school. Maybe this chart shows you what I am and what I’ve been through, is that the case?"

"More or less. He’s got self esteem problems ‘cause of his weight, but didn’t chose that path. He lost weight guided by a dietist, but still was too depressed and sunk in the alcohol."

"Okay. So, the first thing treated, was alcohol?"

"Mhhh, not really."

"Excuse me guys, I don’t mean to interrupt but, you’re not really working and the supervisor is coming so…" Jamia Nestor, health column. I don’t read what she writes, but she was here for a good reason.

We sat properly and began writing. We were both finishing our articles, but the supervisor was a nightmare, so we pretended to work when he came in.

"Wanna talk about it later?" I asked, trying to hide we were talking.

"Yes, thanks. Maybe during lunch?"

"Or somewhere else, I think it’s better than this building, it’s not private at all, and you need that."

"Perfect."

 


	28. The intruder.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think I won't like you...

_"Hi honey."_

_"Hi Patrick, how are you?" Patrick knew my break time, but he didn’t call, so this was cute and weird at the same time._

_"Fine. Uhm… a friend from the office needs some help, and I told him it was okay for him to come to my house and talk there, since, you know, it’s a private thing. So I wanted to tell you he’ll come with us in the ride. He says he doesn’t mind going to your house first, so I can take you there and you don’t have to take the bus. Okay?"_

_I am NOT comfortable with the idea of having another man in Patrick’s car, even if he will ignore us. That car is OUR place. But it’s Patrick’s car, and it’s just a guy from the office, so I just say yes and my little angel thanks me happily, saying he’ll make it better tomorrow, when we’ll have more privacy. He uses a little naughty tone that drives me crazy and I forget why I was even upset at the beginning._

_"Then see you this afternoon, honey, I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

I have to beg Mikey to sit in the back. Pete’s not just 'some guy I drive home', he’s my boyfriend, and on top of that, he’s my BIPOLAR boyfriend. It’s recommended for them to have routines and habits to keep their minds a little organized and control the mood changes. Mikey frowns at the idea of traveling with two mentally troubled guys, but just accepts and sits on the back.

_I see Patrick’s car coming out and smile when I see the copilot seat is empty. Not like he’ll let anyone else sit there being with me, but that thought just crossed my mind, and I nearly believed it. It is incredibly awkward getting in with that guy in the back, and greeting Patrick. I’m sorry little unknown man, I’m gonna kiss my boyfriend._

_"This is my boyfriend, Pete Wentz."_

_"Michael Way" he says as he shakes my hand shyly and and gives me a sad smile. Somehow I feel a little rejection in his hold, and like, he just touches me for decency. Maybe he hates me cause I date Patrick, but I’m not the jealous kind. I think I know him, I have seen him before._

_"Remember the first time we went to the restaurant? I went with him and his boyfriend Bob, a guy from high school."_

_Then that’s not the problem, I smile with a sincere relief. So he doesn’t like Patrick, and the problem’s not with me, then what’s wrong with this guy? I think I like him, so I throw away the whole plan to make him feel miserable I planed the second I saw him. I’ll just chat with him, it’ll be okay._

_"So, Michael, what do you write about?"_

_"Music."_

_"Really? That’s cool. And for how long have you known Patrick?"_

_"Couple months, or a little more, since he moved to my office and stuff."_

_Time passes and I almost feel sorry of how destroyed this man seems, sometimes I get the feeling he’s about to cry. I don’t push hard into knowing what’s wrong with him, I’ve never known someone I’d pity more than myself._

_"Do you have a nickname?"_

_"Well, my friends and family call me Mikey."_

_"Here we are" we finally stop at my house, and I get a really nice surprise when Patrick unfastens his belt and tells Mikey he’ll be back in a minute. We both get out of the car and get to my door. Just for curiosity, I turn to see Mikey holding his head in his hands, he’s not going to see, awesome, I felt like he was an intruder in our privacy._

_"What’s wrong honey, you don’t like Mikey?"_

_"I think he doesn’t like me."_

_"Yeah, he’s got some family problem, he’s not at his best today, but usually he’s a nice guy. Plus, he deals with some… mentally wrecked guy…"_

_"I see, he doesn’t like 'our kind”'_

_"Mmmm, pretty much."_

_"So sorry… well, we’re making him wait, don’t you think?"_

_I don’t let him answer but I just cover his mouth with deep kisses and feel him laughing_

_"I love you honey, good luck with that counseling."_

_"Thank you, Petey, I love you."_

 


	29. What can I do for you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm no doctor, but I can come in handy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, checked a thousand times, sure thing this is #29 :P

It’s gonna be a relief for Joe that Mikey has such noisy feet, so he’ll be able to know someone’s coming up the stairs. I wonder if he already told Hurley about it. When we get there, they’re just standing in front of the door **As expected**

"Hi, Joe, Mr. Hurley, how are you?"

"Fine" says Joe, a little awkward, a little 'I’m gonna punch you in the face for making fun of me'. I can’t read Hurley’s expression, but he’s a little uncomfortable with the situation.

"He’s Mikey, well, Michael Way, he works with me. He came by to chat a little and stuff. He’s Joe Trohman, my best friend and…"

"Andrew Hurley"

"Yeah, Hurley, my only neighbor in this floor" I certainly don’t know how to introduce Hurley, Joe’s boyfriend? What are they? He didn’t even explain it when I caught him and hasn’t talked about it ever since. I think he didn’t want me to know, still don’t know why.

"Nice to meet you" Joe says and the other guy just nods.

"Yeah, nice to meet you too." Says Mikey shyly as I open the door and invite him in.

Joe gestures a 'what’s wrong?' and I answer 'nothing' shaking my hand and I get in. They need their privacy. And we need ours.

"Take a seat, man."

"Thanks."

"So, do you want to tell me everything, or…"

"My brother Gerard has always been sunk in a depression I can’t explain. So was I, but it didn’t reach as deep. When we were at school they picked up on us a lot, we only had each other. He was fat…" he doesn’t know whether to continue or shut up. That’s off course a very sensitive point, but if he’s been there, I can come in handy.

"And..."

"And got bullied a lot. He asked mom hundreds of times to take him to the doctor and solve that, so they went to some diet expert and gradually he lost weight, but the injury was still there" **Pretty smart guy, this Gerard.**  I certainly NEVER thought of that, I got the 'easy way' of bulimia and I felt that the best would be killing myself and finish that. I feel idiot right now, the only hope is that I haven’t heard the ending of this story, and it seems as unhappy as mine. Mikey doesn’t talk, so I answer.

"I understand that part, obviously. Where did he hide?" he looks a little surprised I ask straight **come on, man, you knew I knew...**

"At first, wrist cutting. I found him couple times on the bathroom floor, he made me promise that I’d never tell our parents, so I didn’t. As he grew older and got the wrong friends, he found alcohol, and it was the doom to him…"

"Well, you said you were also depressive" **And that’s highly interesting** "so how did you get to be okay and he didn’t?"

"I told you: the wrong friends. I met Bob when I begun college, I had begun to drink, but he made me stop on time. That influence came from Gerard’s friends, but he didn’t escape from it, when I quit and tried to make him do so, it was too late. He’s been to the psychiatric, but he says it’s pointless. And I still haven’t convinced him to go on a rehab, like, he doesn’t want to go clean, but he’s lost so much because of that, I want him to be happy, he just… doesn’t…" he’s letting all the pain go, he’s held that back a lot, he covers his face full of tears with his hand. I take his other hand and press his fingers a little.

"It’s okay, you’ll find the way." I just picture Joe and Kevin holding my mother’s hands when I was playing idiot. And I also lost a lot. "He needs that, he just has to go, you will convince him, I know. At the end, we just accept to see how it goes, eventually we get better."

"What if it takes too long? What if he fools the doctors and… relapses when he’s out."

"I think… find something, or someone worth living for." He looks at me with the most offended expression I’ve seen. "Listen, I know it’s hard thinking that you’re no good enough for you own brother, okay? But you are his brother, you’ve always been there. Family is always there, it’s obvious, we feel it that way. You are with us because we’re stuck with you, you’re stuck with us. And, it’s an obvious thing you’re there, that’s why we don’t really notice what you’ve done for us, and what you’ve been through. Sometimes, we just need to find someone from the outside, someone that comes from this wild world to accept us. If someone who hasn’t been stuck with us from the beginning likes us, if someone we meet in an unexpected circumstance with no link to our family likes us, then it means we’re worth it. We feel worth it"

"I’m trying to get your point, but I’m nothing but offended."

"I know, sorry. But, in big terms, that’s the way we work. I already know two people like that."

"Who?"

"Pete and I" I say, and my heart races remembering why we are together in the first place **we had a connection**

"Then, he has to find someone as wrecked as him?"

"Well, it’s not strictly necessary, he can find some healthy minded person to fix him. I already know a case…"

"Who?"

"You and Bob" he blushes and looks at his hand as if he was trying to fully understand everything. Then, lost in thoughts, he smiles.

"You should meet Gerard, I think you’d get along really well."

"And where is he?"

"Certainly, I don’t know."

 


	30. The other Way around. (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who the fuck is he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Part I of the Trilogy Of The Bad Name Pun Title :D
> 
> *New character introduced! Bad Title is self-explanatory :P

It’s late and I insist taking Mikey to his house. Apparently, Joe didn’t want to interrupt and even when he left his stuff in my apartment, he didn’t stay the night there. I kinda wanna think something else, but he’s just not the kind.

Mikey’s apartment is bigger than mine, and looks a lot better. I get to the conclusion that everyone has their own mental thing, He could an obsessive compulsive, cause he’s super organized, but he didn’t reach that far. You can never reach that far when you live with Bob Bryar, though. Sometimes I wonder what would the world be like without Bob Bryar, and I can only get pictures of dead bodies all over the streets and wailing bulimics and alcoholics. Kinda like a war. I’m exaggerating, though, but that’s how I felt when we graduated and the only good thing from high -different from Joe- would be gone forever.

"Uhh... take a seat, I gotta call someone." I do and he grabs the phone "Hi mom, how are you?... How’s Gee?... really?" he’s frowning, I thought he was a serious person who could barely change his facial expression, but maybe he just doesn’t want the world to know how much Gerard hurts him. "yeah, don’t worry, I can go now, yeah, sure, yes, I got money, okay, see you. I love you."

He hangs and Bob appears from the hallway.

"Hey, Patrick! Great to see you." he walks towards Mikey saying "You brought my darling home?" I nod. "thank you."

They kiss and Mikey explains the situation. Apparently Gerard just appeared at his mother’s and after failing at making him have dinner, he got into the bathtub and sat there for four hours, even when the water was already freezing. When Mikey called her, she had already managed to take him out, but he didn’t want to get dry or talk, so she just put some clothes on him, begging he wouldn’t catch a cold or something.

"I have to go now. I’ll take the bus, I don’t know if I’ll be back. So… Patrick! sorry, well, thank you for driving me here, see you tomorrow."

"Want me to take you?"

"No, I couldn’t, it’s okay, there’s a bus and…"

"I think it’s a great idea" says Bob "if Patrick has offered I think it’s okay"

"Yeah, it is. I think it’s better than the bus. I don’t mind doing so."

Mikey is really ashamed. He doesn’t want any more people to get in that problem and stop their lives because of that. **I understand, but if you give me the chance to talk to your brother, I might help**. He finally accepts and grabs his stuff. Bob stays home and we go to the other side of the city.

"You weren’t just coming here by bus, right?"

"I have done it." **Okay, still, I don’t like the idea**  "come, let’s see if you can talk to Gee."

We enter to the living room where we are received by a lovely woman with purple rings around her eyes, more wrinkles that what she should have being her age. Mikey and her hug like two wounded soldiers and I’m introduced as a guy from the office who “can help Gee, or will try”

"Who the hell is he?" says a tall guy folded in huge black working out clothes. Sunk in the sofa with the arms crossed, the chin in the chest, making a frown with his lips, he’s looking at me from behind the water dripping from his black hair.

"He’s Patrick Stump, a partner from my office"

"And what the fuck is he doing here?"

"Gerard, please" his mother complains

"No!" he says standing up violently, he reaches me within two steps and I am amazed how tall he actually is. It’s a little intimidating and he gets so close that some drops fall on my face. "You’re always bringing some 'know-it-all' to tell me how wrong I am and some bullshit to make me change! But they know nothing! Do they?!"

"No, they don’t, they never do." I answer and feel everyone’s surprised eyes on me. Mikey and mom are terrified, and Gerard didn’t expect that, but he’s still not giving up aginst me **logically** , he’s furious. "They’ve never been there, they say they understand how hard it is, but they lie, they only know their stupid books, but they don’t know what’s it like to be rejected and thrown away for some bullshit."

"What’s your name again?" he says, a little more open to me. I’ve gained his trust, or at least, have shown him I’m not just some 'know-it-all'

"Patrick Stump."

"Nice to meet you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bob + Mikey, aren't they incredibly cute? :B


	31. The other Way around. (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought I could trust you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Part II of the Trilogy Of The Bad Name Pun Title :D

Gerard hates eating and loves drinking. He’s looking anxiously at a hutch where he swears all his alcohol has been kept under lock and key, and because of that he’s dealing with some kind of abstinence syndrome right now. He wants to talk to me privately, but somehow I convince him that the dining room is private enough as long as we keep our heads close; so we are leaning on our elbows with the hands crossed and the chest a little over the table. Mikey and Mrs. Way are sitting at the other end of the table, the woman doesn’t look at all convinced of my 'methods', but Mikey told her I know nothing about psychology and I’m not a doctor, just a recovered patient eager to help.

I am _not_ a doctor, and I know _nothing_ about psychology, but I spent months in a rehab center with patients even more screwed than me. I shared my room -when I was _'mentally able to'_ \- with some guy with the same problem as me, and became 'lunch friends' with an alcoholic girl. The way to gain the trust of people like us when we don’t want to help ourselves is 'supporting' our behavior and asks our self harming methods with genuine curiosity. I’m not faking that when I talk to Gerard. It’s something that remained, I _want_ to know how he did his things, and I _want_ to share my own things. That for starting, when we want to change things, we support our treatments and say it’s okay to make it better. Gerard’s not there yet, though, so I stick to the first thing.

At the beginning it’s just a normal chat, he teaches me how to wear eyeliner and seems pretty interested in my job as a journalist. So I talk about the crap I write in my column and he seems amused.

So we get a little into the past and he teaches me how to cut when you want or don’t want to die, how much alcohol to get high, and how much to get drunk, how to replace food by alcohol and cigarettes, and how to stop the healthy diets everyone thinks you’re following. I talk about over exercise, laxatives, starving without replacing food by anything, and when I reach the part of throwing up, I notice that the look in our audience’s eyes is beyond worried, and a little disgusted. Mrs. Way covers her mouth with her hand and doesn’t blink. Maybe she didn’t know in depth what went through her son’s head, and my story is not any better. Mikey’s mouth is open, but it seems he can’t breathe. I gotta say I’m amazed that Gerard is so into the conversation he may have forgotten we have company and talks in a normal volume, so everyone can hear him.

I keep talking though, I reached very far in Gerard’s head and I think I’m about to convince him of going on a rehab. He told me how they lost their father in some accident and that was one of the biggest reasons of his depression. He told me how much kids at school messed up with him and his brother and some tears fall, I know exactly how he feels, I do, so we cry together at each other’s story of harassment. I never got my head flushed down a toilet, but he did, several times; we were both stuck on lockers because we were too fat to get in and out easily, his desk was always dirty and I told him about the day I met Bob. I’m very reserved when I talk about Bob, Mikey’s here.

"And the top of everything" Gerard says with anger and wiping his tears “ _Fat Fag_ ”

"No, really?" that was exactly what I dreaded at school, then people actually did _that_ thing.

"Yes! I told that motherfucking Matt Pelissier cause I thought he was my friend, but the bastard recorded everything and there were posters everywhere after that. I gave a fuck on everything and changed school, Mikey couldn’t, so I feel like I abandoned him. I drink about it today." he bites his fingers when he talks. His hand and knees shake. I turn to see Mikey when Gerard turns to see the hutch. The younger brother is sad, his eyes are watery, but he doesn’t dare to cry.

So, time for convincing has come. I start talking about the whole thing and how it was horrible at the beginning how things change after a while. He just studies me with his eyes and is tense, then he cuts me off and says

"You’re a brainwashed…"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I saw this huge chapter in my doc, then get the surprise is really short. Hope you like it, and thanks for staying tunned for 31 chapters already :)
> 
> **Matt... :P


	32. The other Way around (Part III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know noth... crap! ¬¬

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Part III and Grand FInale of the Trilogy Of The Bad Name Pun Title :D

"If you think of it, I am" Mrs. Way looks more than disappointed. I was finally getting where I was supposed to get like 25 minutes ago, and I just screwed it up with a simple sentence that proves Gerard right. But it doesn’t, not the way I work. "But it’s better that your brain is washed with rehydrating serum than cheap whisky, isn’t it?"

He crosses his arms and turns his nose up.

"I don’t think so, you won’t make me go." **You’re forcing me to do something I don’t want and it’s not gonna be nice and it’s gonna hurt**

"Come on, Gerard. Why not? It’s a positive thing."

"Nothing about stupid doctors in a white jail is positive. It’s just garbage, and you fell onto that."

 **You asked for it**  I have to go further and touch an open wound. It’s gonna hurt the whole family, plus me, cause I’m not used to being cruel and I’ll feel guilty the whole night, probably the rest of my life, but it’s necessary. Although, there’s a chance that things don’t come out as I expect and the whole thing will blow on my face, but I got one shot, so I use it.

"I may have, but now I got mom, I got Kevin, I got Joe and I got Pete. If you think of you, dying is easy, you know how to do it, you just go for it. But there’s more people around you, and however the fuck you’ve made crap out of yourself, they’re still there." **3… 2… 1…**  "But you abandoned Mikey once, will you do it again?"

He turns pale and for the first time during the whole conversation, he looks terrified. I think I played the string I wanted and it seems his eyes and mind are open. He stops biting his fingers and the shakes are gone. He opens his mouth to try to say something, but I got him, just where I want him. **No sir, you can’t say I know nothing about you because you just told me everything** I hold my breath and I haven’t taken my eyes out of his, but I don’t need my eyes to feel the frowning on his mother and brother, who are half dying and half craving to kill me.

But I got it under control. I know it’s that way because now he looks unarmed and his loftiness his gone. He starts bundling into himself like a doll that’s out of battery to continue working. He’s not looking at me anymore, but I don’t lose his eyes. He looks sincerely ashamed and frowns as if he was about to cry. His eyes move crazily from one point on the floor to another, from one shoe to the other. Finally, and with his heart broken -that’s something you can tell by looking into his eyes- he turns to see Mikey. I want to do so, but I can’t, I have to be firm with him. I hear Mikey sobbing next to me. **I know what you’re thinking, I’m a heartless bastard, sorry**  I could’ve used his widowed mother too, but I _know_ that using a mother as an argument is fuck, a Mikes would’ve punched me in the face, and I might be a little bastard, but not for doing that. Gerard looks into my eyes again, his face is a permanent expression of pain, he doesn’t move a muscle, he just lets tears flow like waterfalls. I’m too nervous and I don’t know how I managed to do this without breaking apart with him.

Suddenly, he stands up and runs to Mikey. Falls on his knees next to his brother’s chair and puts his head on his lap, then wraps his arms around his waist and cries like crazy. that’s when I look Mikey in the eyes, which I didn’t think I’d be able to do after being such a jerk. But he’s so confused he stopped crying, so did his mother. He pets Gerard’s hair but says nothing. He looks at me asking for an answer I don’t think I have. They’re both shocked.

"...for Mikey." his head is hidden in his brother’s legs so what he says is not really clear.

"What?" I ask, since the other to people in the room are too stunned to talk

"I’ll go to the fucking rehab for Mikey…"

"And…"

"... for mom"

"Great, that’s what I wanted to hear."

The other two members of the Way family smile as if he had just witnessed a miracle, they cry in relief that they just heard those words coming from Gerard’s mouth.

After putting Gerard in his bed and making sure he was going to sleep, they go back downstairs and Mrs. Way hugs me, then comes Mikey

"Thank you." she says looking at me with watery eyes.

"You’re welcome. Sorry for that comment, I know it was rude and I crossed the line, but it… works, you know, with… people like… us"

"How did you know it was going to work?" asks Mikey as if I had just performed a magic trick.

"Well, it was used before, on me, by my own brother. I accepted going to the clinic 'just to make him happy', telling him it was pointless and I wasn’t going to change because I just didn’t want to. So the first week or so I was being a jerk with everyone, and I got the chance to get a visit. He came by and, you know, spit it on my face…" I feel a knot in my throat, so Mikey asks

"Can we know what did he use?" sure, I was going to tell them, just I couldn’t use the words.

"Our parents’ divorce. Yeah, pretty tough. He said I was being a jerk with mom and I was a selfish idiot who would leave her alone after that, she couldn’t face two big losses in her life and I was only making things worse for her. I’ll never forget the expression he had, so I tried to mimic that with Gerard. It was a last resource, I wish I wouldn’t have had the need to use it, or knowing something different."

"Thanks, man, it’s okay." Says Mikey and then we all hug again.

"I’ll drive you home."

"No, Patrick, it’s fine"

"Mikes, it’s like 2 am, you won’t find a bus, or are you gonna stay?"

"Mmmm, I didn’t plan that. But I’ll stay, just wanna make sure Gee’s fine in the morning."

"Okay, then see you tomorrow. Take care, and good luck with Gerard."

They thank me and we say goodbye. I get home feeling tired and guilty, but happy I could help someone else.

 


	33. Relapse N° 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please, don’t...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry...

Finally it’s friday, Pete’s staying at my place today for the first time. It’s funny cause I’ve stayed with him several times, but we had a different purpose than just staying the night, though. Anyway, we can’t do it at my house, since it’s not private at all, and I like being loud with him, so we’re just checking how’s it like to live together, so maybe one day we will.

I think about it as I go up the stairs and I stop violently in front of my desk. Mikey isn’t there yet, and he’s always earlier than me, already writing. I’m never late, but he’s always too early, so finding an empty chair is shocking.

"He didn’t say why he was late" Jamia answered the question I hadn’t spoken. I think I know why, but she doesn’t need to. I lift my shoulders and so does she. I sit and turn the computer on. The guy arrives an hour later and knocks at the door of the supervisor’s tiny office inside our big office, then he comes and takes a seat.

"Morning Mike, how are you?"

"Well, what can I say?" I lean a little closer and ask

"Is he okay?"

"Well, kind of. He says he wants to see if he can do it on his own, and if he can’t, he’s going to the clinic. That after saying he didn’t want to go out of the bed, and then forcing me to stay in the bed with him. But then he calmed down and let me go, so I don’t have a 'good excuse' to be late."

"I see." I want to ask something like 'Do you think his will is as strong to do that?' but I feel that I’ve stepped a lot into his private life, so I stay quiet.

I arrive with Pete to the building in the afternoon. Lately, Joe hasn’t shown up, and since I’m at my best the need of having him here is gone. I’ve also noticed that Hurley spends less time in his house than before, it’s kinda my business, since Joe’s my best friend, but I leave it that way. He may show up tomorrow, you never know.

So after spending the day together, he covers my neck with kisses in the darkness of the bedroom. We get under the sheets and he wraps me in his protective arms. I trace his tattoos until I fall asleep.

 

The sunlight comes and it comes with some weird noises from outside the bedroom. I’m a little groggy so I don’t fully understand what’s going on. When I’m about to stand up and check, Joe opens the bedroom door, loud enough to wake Pete up.

"Woow, sorry, I didn’t know you had company" he says stepping back and closing.

"What?" says Pete really upset and awake "he said what?"

"Pete, wait…"

"You didn’t tell him?! You forgot to tell him?!" he’s raising his voice and his face is tense

"Well, yeah, but Pete, I didn’t mean to" HOW THE FUCK DID I FORGET TO TELL JOE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!

"Why?! Is this a bad secret you don’t want anyone to know?!"

"Pete, listen…"

"No, you listen! You don’t love me? is that it?"

"What?! Pete, that’s nonsense!"

"What else did you forget to tell him?! Does he even know my name?"

"Pete what are you saying?" I’m terrified, he’s angry, out of his head, I start crying, my breath is uneasy and my heart races with fear. Pete dresses up as I try to explain everything, but there’s nothing to explain, is it? I forgot to tell my best friend that my boyfriend is staying at my house, that’s stupid. Now Pete’s putting his shoes on and walking towards the door, I try to catch up.

"If you don’t love me you could’ve said it, I don’t wanna be anyone’s secret, I don’t wanna be hidden like you’re not proud that I’m your boyfriend." then he opens the door and walks furiously to the living room. My knees are shaking and I can’t walk properly, my ankles feel broken and I feel like a child that’s learning how to walk.

"Pete, please" I watch him grab the doorknob and I stop trying to walk, leaning against the wall. He hesitates for a second and my heart’s weighing. My eyes are wide open and full of tears, I’m sobbing and unable to speak. I catch my breath and get to say in a whisper "please, don’t" He turns the knob and opens the door. "Pete, no" he takes one step out "no, please, no Pete don’t!" he takes the second step out. I groan with all my heart "no please!!" he closes the door without turning back at me "no… no… Pete, no..."

I feel empty as I’ve never felt in my life. The tears come out furiously. The air burns my lungs as I try to breathe, then I feel sick. My body reacts to run back to the bedroom and push Joe away in my race. I feel extremely sick. I just lost Pete, cause I’m an idiot. I’m stupid, I hurt him. I’m not worth living. I’m a piece of crap. There’s only one thing that results from this thoughts, and Joe knows that, that’s why he is already behind me trying to stop me from locking myself inside the bathroom. I hear a “Patrick, don’t!” as if it was far away. But I feel horrible, I think that’s what I deserve, I deserve the pain that comes with it, plus, my body is just reacting, so I follow orders from my impulsive brain. I can’t calm down, I just lost the only good boyfriend I’ll ever have, I broke his heart, I cannot live with that, I simply can’t. If you can die for throwing up, I’ll take that. Pete won’t ever forgive me, he’s gone forever.

I push Joe away and lock the door as I get inside. He’s screaming and knocking the door violently. It’s not the first time I do that to him, so he knows it’s impossible making me open the door until I’m done with it. But today, I don’t think the door will open when I finish. I _don’t want_ the door to open ever again, if there’s not Pete willing to accept my apologies in the other side. And he won’t be, so the noise of my thoughts, the sobbing, the knocks on the door and Joe’s voice are numbed by the heaves and I can’t stop.

My throat is burning and my chest complains of all the pain I’ve put it through. I haven’t done this since I started dating Pete seriously, and now my body is no longer used to that, so plus the loss of the love of my life, I cry from physical pain. My irrational brain has collapsed, so the intelligent part, in charge of survival, takes control and makes me crawl to the door and try to open it. But it’s too late for stopping, and even when I feel that I’ve taken everything out, the heaves get stronger and I can’t move. I try to call Joe’s name but it’s useless. Now I’m pretty aware of what I’ve done to my body, so I need a hospital, or just coming out if this bathroom. I knock the door with what I consider all my strenght, and with my eyes closed, I hear some sirens coming from the distance.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about this, but I had this scene in my head and I needed a reason to put it down, so I wrote this chapter. I hope you like it and comment ;)  
> And also sorry for late update, I've been kinda busy :P


	34. Hurt me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything about this hurts me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I just put the name like whatever :P

_I just can’t believe any of this. All this time, I haven’t been good enough for Patrick, I wasn’t as important as I thought. He just had fun with me, when he felt better, I could be disposable. If that fucking guy is like his brother, why didn’t he knew I was staying there and he shouldn’t come to interrupt?_

_I’m mad at Patrick. No, “mad” doesn’t get to describe how I feel. I’m so angry, I couldn’t think clear enough to take the bus and get the hell out of here, so I’m just sitting under a tree in this park in front of his ridiculous building. Now I wish I had always taken the bus, he just played with me in his fucking car and I don’t ever want to get back in there._

_I start crying. Losing Patrick hurts more than anything I’ve been through. I’m incredibly mad at him, but I still love him more than what I love my life. I want him back, but I just can’t live thinking that he doesn’t. I gave him EVERYTHING, and I thought he had given me everything too, but apparently, he just saw sex as something entertaining that you can get secretly, so you can deny it later. I start scratching my skin, I want to rip it off, ‘cause it smells like Patrick, and he owns the ink of every tattoo. Suddenly, some sirens get me out of my thoughts and I wonder what’s going on. I follow the ambulance with my eyes and see that it stops in front of Patrick’s building. The paramedics get into the building. I’d like to know what happens, you know, to forget about all this business for a minute, so when they come out I stand up to see if I can get a glimpse of the patient, and I do._

_The patient’s blond, pale, short, he’s got boxers and a sleeveless shirt. He’s a writer, he’s got green eyes, he likes keeping his keys in the right front pocket of his pants, he hates rainy mondays, but loves rainy sundays, which is his favorite day for writing, he’s shy, he sweats a lot, and it’s a little complexed about it, he’s not a morning person, but he’s always on time for his job because he loves it, his skin is softer than silk and he loves being kissed on the neck, he always traces my tattoos when we sleep together, his name is Patrick and he’s the love of my life, I can’t live without him. So I run towards them, not taking care of the traffic when I cross the street. Joe’s there and looks at me surprised. But I see Patrick unconscious in the gurney and I just can’t be mad at him._

_It reminds me of the first time I saw him, the first time I talked to him. I was scared that it was my fault that he had fainted. I was scared that he’d be dead. I remember thinking that it’ll be a shame that such a hot guy would die so young, and that it melted my heart seeing how weak he looked like when the paramedics put him inside the ambulance. I remember that I was allowed to go with them cause they thought we were good friends or something. I remember believing that and holding his hand all the way long to the hospital. I remember that he looked exactly this way that day, and I cry harder, knowing that this time, I, very probably, am the cause of this._

_I didn’t remember what I said or what happened when I was in my angry or depressed states, until I met Patrick, then my brain started working a little better. So I know that today, before leaving this building, I yelled at him, I said horrible things and didn’t even give him the chance to speak. I feel guilty. I’m still upset for the secret thing, but I just can wish he’ll get better and forgive me._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's beginning college next monday!  
> I won't update regularly from now on, I'll try, maybe the first days, but as the weeks go by it'll be harder, so hope you have patience, thank you :)


	35. My boyfriend’s family…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... hates me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Overly protective brother is introduced here :P

_Patrick, isn’t up yet. Oh fuck, what if I killed him? If I did it, I’d make the world a favor and kill myself. Either way, life makes no sense without Patrick. I was alone in this fucked up city ‘cause everyone gave up on me, they were too scared and left me when I came out of the Clinic. That’s NOT what you do to a bipolar, but I tried to make it through on my own. I thought I wouldn’t do well, but my doctor gave me a routine and pills and I made it._

_I was resigned to live a miserable life without my family and with some fake friends, until I saw Patrick smiling at me. And now everything could be lost because I’m a psycho. I’m sitting next to Joe and shaking. Two people, a man and a woman appear running on the waiting room. They’re Patrick’s mother and brother, I haven’t been introduced formally as Patrick’s boyfriend, but he’s shown me pictures, so I can recognize them._

_-What happened this time?- says the woman standing in front of Joe._

_-He… had a fight with his boyfriend, it was tough._

_-And I guess this is the sucker- says his brother and I hide like a puppy that’s being yelled at._

_-Come on, Kevin, a little respect, please?- asks Joe standing up carefully_

_-Why? I could lose my brother today because of this idiot!_

_-I know, okay? I know- I don’t know how I got enough energy to say it, the only thing I know is I’m crying harder within every second and I feel beyond guilty that Patrick’s about to die, or dead already. It hurts to get some air and I feel their eyes on me as I bundle myself on my knees and cry._

_-What’s wrong with him?- I hear Kevin’s upset voice._

_-I told you, a little respect, he’s a bipolar- says Joe, as if it was a forbidden word._

_-Oh! great! He couldn’t come up with a more brilliant idea than dating a bipolar._

_-Kevin, stop it, I saw him change for good in the last months, he had never been happier._

_-Well, that’s nothing if you think he won’t ever be happy again, right? What did this idiot say?_

_-It doesn’t matter..._

_-Oh, hell yeah it matters Joseph!_

_-He doesn’t remember, he was in the middle of a psycho episode or something. He forgot it and he didn’t mean it. And if you hadn’t noticed, he’s in the middle of another one right now..._

_I stray a little from the conversation, it’s hard hearing people talk about the crazy poor thing. I need to focus, try to think what time is it. Try to think about something nice: Patrick’s smile. Okay, now, breathe in… breathe out. Somehow I can take my wallet out of my pocket and with my shaking hands take a little paper out of it. I can’t read through my tears, so I handle it to Joe._

_-Can you read this please?- I’m sorry I might sound rude or interrupted the conversation, but I’m half aware that I’m maniac and I need to stabilize right now. Joe’s a great guy, so he reads._

_-Olanzapine?- I shake my head, it’s not like I know now what to take, but if I hear the name I’ll be reminded- Valporic?- I shake my head again- Lithium?_

_Yes! it was lithium. So I put my hands in my jacket’s pockets and search like crazy. I don’t need to see their faces or asks for impressions to know they’re all confused as hell and their eyes are wide open. I take like 3 jars out of them and can’t read the labels. Breathe in... breathe out. Got it! I take the pill and hide my head in my knees. I wait until I feel dizzy but calmer. I’m on the ground, and Joe’s sitting next to me, Patrick’s brother keeps on talking and his mother is trying to make him calm down._

_Finally I lift my head, and fighting to keep my head clear enough to remember, I say_

_-What did I tell him?_

_Joe’s done with the story. I am a rat. I wouldn’t blame them if they kick me in the balls, probably I deserve that._

_-Any relatives of Patrick Stump?- asks the doctor and we all turn to him with expectation. His mother walks towards him, and he says- he’s fine, but he’ll need a lot of rest, he’s still asleep, but stable, you can take one person turns to check him.- I wrap my knees in my arms and put my head on them. If they give me the chance, I’ll be the last one, but I seriously doubt it._

_-Hey, I’ll ask Kevin to let you in, okay?- says Joe, and there’s no doubt why he stayed with Patrick and he loves him like a second brother, he’s the coolest guy on Earth._

_So they take their turns, and I’m allowed. He’s still asleep, but I want to hear him breathing, it’s the sweetest sound I’ve heard._

 


	36. Back “home”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a place you hate to know so well, and yet feels so unknown...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, as if it wasn't enough... well, sorry...

I feel both heavy and empty. My body aches. I wake up to petting in my hair and when I’m strong enough to open my eyes and turn to see, I find Pete frowning.

"Hi, little angel, how are you?" my heart shrinks in my chest when I hear his voice full of genuine concern and a little pain. He’s got a very sad smile and as long as my eyes are able to see he’s been crying.

"Petey, I’m so sorry…" I can’t keep on talking, I just cry, or my body tries to, since I’m dry by now.

"No, Patrick, _I_ am sorry. Joe told me everything, all I said, I was so rude. I won’t blame it on my illness, I hurt you, it doesn’t matter if I was conscious or not." he hasn’t put his hand out of my hair, and he feels broken.

"Petey, I love you, I always will. I’m beyond proud of having you as my boyfriend. I don’t want to lose you, I love you."

"I know honey, I know…"

He’s about to say something else, when Joe calls him. He kisses my front when he stands up and I pretend closing my eyes and falling asleep. I became kind of an expert in looking at people talking about me in a hospital without them noticing, so I see Joe gesturing and Pete covering his mouth with his hands, they turn to see me at the same time. I’d like to know what’s so horribly wrong with me…

_"No, no…" I cover my mouth with my hands to stop me from yelling, and for containing the rush of running to Patrick and taking him out of this place, so they don’t do that to him again._

_"Sorry, Pete, but he needs that. I don’t want to see him there again, he hates it there, but added to the gym incident, they think he needs that."_

_"But the gym thing happened more than two months ago!" I try not to scream and it’s very hard, ‘cause my heart aches when I think of it._

_We see Patrick, lying on the gurney, with his eyes closed, asleep, but not resting. He must be tired, he must be sad, he must be hurting. Now, we’ll have to give him the worst news of his life: BECAUSE OF ME he’ll have to go back to the Clinic._

_So I sit by the right side of the gurney, and his family on the left. His mother holds one hand and I hold the other one. He stares at us impatiently since we’ve already told him there was something very important he needed to know. Finally, his brother gathers the guts and after giving me a furious look, he tells him._

"I see." **Soooo, this counts as a relapse, interesting**. I wonder why they didn’t take me the day I met Pete, since it was actually a relapse on my 'condition'. I speak my mind up and mother says that she convinced the doctors I could be fine if I went home. That wasn’t possible today, ‘cause exercise is one thing, but throwing up is something different. Pete holds my hand but doesn’t look me in the eyes. It hurts me, but I feel great knowing that in spite of what he said, and in spite of what I did, he won’t let me go.

_I feel like I have nothing to do here, since they are talking about how’s it gonna be like this time, and for an obvious reason, they won’t talk to me or include me in the conversation. I take a moment of silence to say goodbye and stand up slowly, feeling everyone’s eyes on me. But for leaving this place, first, I have to let Patrick’s hand go, and he’s not helping at all in the process._

_"Pete, don’t go" I look around and the only one that hasn’t wild eyes for me is Joe. I feel under a lot of pressure, then I look into Patrick’s eyes and I read the begging._

_"Honey, I have to, I…" I don’t want to. Actually, I’d like the whole world to disappear and stay alone with him holding his hand, but I’m not welcome, so I start taking my hand out of his, feeling that’s being ripped apart._

I see Pete taking little steps away, as he’s trying to let my hand go. I don’t want to, and he doesn’t want to. But judging by the look in my brother’s eyes, it is necessary, so Pete can get a chance to be forgiven in a near future. My hand grows cold as his skin goes away. I feel pointless and helpless watching him going away. This is not the way I want to say goodbye to him, it’s not the way I’m used to. I need at least a little kiss on the cheek. This is too cold, but I’m too weak for stopping it. My hand is running empty and, with the last sad glare from his adorable brown eyes, I let the last fingertip I was pressing as my last resource to make him come back and kiss me wildly go, so he can keep on walking to the aisle, with the head hiding in his shoulders and his hands on his pockets.

I close my eyes when I see he’s no longer there, and just let everyone talk without paying much attention. They know I’m awake, but they also know -or think?- I’m the very same mess they put in the Clinic two years ago, so they keep on talking about how to fix my life. But the solution to that dilemma has just walked out of the door.

"What do you think, honey?" says mom. And I, trying not to sound as a total jerk, but really hurt for what just happened, only get to say

"Do whatever you want."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello babies, I'm back! (kind of)  
> From now on, I'll be writing essays for my teachers, but I'll get some minutes for this, thank you for understanding and being patient. :)


	37. Do you really know me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you know what’s good for me?

"I give a fuck, Kevin! I want to talk to Pete!"

"No, he put you in this situation"

"I put myself in this fucking situation, ‘cause I never taught my body to react to this kind of shit like a normal human. Now give me my phone, I wanna call him."

Kevin is frowning and hides my phone in one pocket. I know it’s that way, I still don’t know which pocket it is. I’m tied to IV to rehydrate so, even if I feel strong enough to jump and grab it, I can’t. I feel like a tantrum kid, but I already told him that I’m okay, that I chose living with a bipolar and dealing with his episodes, that I will be strong for him, and that he’s changed and feels better thanks to being with me, and so I have. Anyways, he won’t hear me and says I’m just blinded and fell for the first idiot who called me “pretty” even before knowing what was wrong with him and how he’d hurt me…

"After."

"What?"

"I decided to date Pete after knowing what was wrong with him…"

"And even knowing that…"

"And when he knew what was wrong with me. And even knowing that he stayed, okay?"

"Patrick, you have a cure, he doesn’t, he’s tied to it…"

"Does that mean he doesn’t deserve finding someone to make him feel better and deal with it together?"

"I’m not saying that. But why _you_? You’re weak and you’re fragile, he can say something horrible again and you’ll be back here. You don’t have to be in a self-destructive relationship because the guy told you he likes you."

"I’m not running away from someone because 'they’re crazy', okay? They did that to me and it hurts like shit. I chose Pete, I didn’t want him to get involved in my problems, but he’s the only one that will fully understand what’s it like wanting to kill yourself, and hating what you see in the mirror, and finding that no one has loved you before because you have this fuck of a condition." It really amazes me how **a)** I got enough water in my body to cry, and **b)** I got enough guts to talk while crying and be understood. Kevin just shakes his head.

"Patrick, why didn’t you try finding someone healthy?" I know it hurts him knowing that I’m sick, but that’s the reality he has to face.

"Because the last time I tried to do that, he thought exactly like you and didn’t want his life to be stopped because he had to deal with a crazy piece of shit." he looks offended, but says nothing, he knows I’m right" I finally found someone like me who won’t run away cause I’m sick because he is too. Stop torturing me, Kevin, give me my phone." the last plea makes me feel like a baby, but I’m weak and sad, the only thing that will make me feel better is talking to Pete, this is not a whim, is a need.

He gives up and puts the phone in my hand.  I hold it and look at the screen, but I don’t dial. I look at my brother, he needs to know I want some privacy.

"I’m not going."

"Yes you are."

"I want to know what you gotta say and what he’s going to answer, because if that bastard hurts you again, or if I find you crying after this conversation, I swear I’m gonna kick him to death."

"Go Kevin. I can do things on my own. If I thought Pete was bad for me I wouldn’t have let him into my life in the first place." **Get the fuck away now**  "have you realized that you’re hurting me in this moment?" he frowns and turns his eyes from me.

"Fine" he spits between his teeth" but remember what I told you" **I can live with that**

"Kevin…"

"What?"

"If you put a finger on Pete I won’t ever talk to you again."

"Patrick, that’s ridicul…"

"Ever."

"Fine."

I’m freaking out, I don’t want to call him, I want to have him here with me. This is one of those moments when the silence is the best soundtrack to just looking into the eyes of your most beloved one. I need to feel his hand on mine, so calling is not what I really want, but it’s my only way to communicate, ‘cause Kevin won’t let Pete in this room and I’ll be gone tomorrow morning.

"Patrick!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hey! Have you ever felt the adrenaline of uploading fic in your job? :D I seriously shouldn't be doing this, but it's stronger than me XD
> 
> *PS. I feel a little lonely not getting any comment (Just sayin' :P )


	38. It’s gonna get better.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phone call promises...

"Hello my darling, how are you?" his voice is so relaxing I close my eyes and imagine him sitting next to me.

"Well, you’re going back to the Clinic, and it’s my fault, so I’m kinda dying here, but I’m happy you’re okay now, and I’m glad that you called. How do you feel, my little angel?"

"Dizzy. Lonely. Needy of some kisses…" I smile and use a naughty tone that would’ve made Kevin go or puke. He hates public demonstrations of affection, especially if they include a family member. I can be 90% sure that he’ll go to the rehab thing if I told him that I’ve already slept with Pete several times, he doesn’t need the details. He loves me, but was a little reluctant accepting my sexuality. But now, it’s not about Kevin, it’s Pete.

"I wish I could solve it, but your brother wants to kill me."

"Don’t worry, baby. If he kills you, I’ll kill him."

"Hahaha, you don’t need to do that. Besides, you’re a pure little angel."

"I’d doubt the 'pure', though" and we laugh together "oh, how I want you here."

"I’ll visit you in the Clinic, whenever I can. I can’t promise, but I’ll go as often as possible."

"Thank you, honey. You know I’m not sick, right?"

"I do, baby. I’m sorry for what happened today. I know they’ll see it and you’ll be out in no time. And when you come out… we’re gonna fix this little incident…"

"Aww, Petey. It hurt me to see you go without a kiss."

"Yeah, I hated that too, but I had the impression that your brother would’ve strangled me if I tried getting closer."

"Well, we can forget about him at your house, right?"

"I forget about everything when I kiss your neck."

"Oh, yeah, me too."

"And when you trace my tattoos with your lips. Patrick, when you kiss me I forget I’m bipolar, I forget feeling sick, I feel complete, I feel happy, I’ve never gotten that before" I know he has slept with other guys before, but didn’t feel good after that. I’m different, cause he did just the same as I did: look for a healthy counterpart. But they can only hurt you, if they’re not like Joe or Bob. "I love you more than anything, that’s why I’ll try my best to keep my mouth shut, okay?"

"Don’t worry about that, honey. I just have to be stronger, and be patient. You can just keep your mouth on my lips, it’ll be okay."

"Or your waist, or your chest, or your back, do you like the idea?"

"I love it. I’ll be out in no time, you’ll see."

"I know. Nothing will separate us again."

And after lots of sweet words, we just have to say goodbye because I’m running out of money. I close my eyes and imagine Pete’s arms around me. I wake up with the sunlight and find my mother standing next to me.

"Time to go" she says with a knot in her throat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww... this is getting where I wanted to get, I'm really happy it's almost 40 chapters already :D  
> Thanks for reading and commenting :)


	39. My old aches become new again...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My old friends become exes again...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! Where did the party go?!!  
> It can be easily my favorite song from SRAR, once I begin, I can't stop XD *Random fact no one really cares about :P*  
> Anyways, hope you like this chapter :)

The rehab thing hasn’t changed a bit. Not like I expected a big change after just two years, but it’s funny seeing _exactly_ the same things I saw the first time I came. I’m here with Joe today, ruining his life again, making him do this kind of things. We go to the reception desk, where I must be signed to get a room and stuff.

"I can’t wait to come out earlier this time" I say and Joe just smiles. The receptionist who was trying to flirt with him gives me an skeptical glare and Joe kills her with his eyes.

Since Joe is the working head in this thing, I don’t read the room number, so I head to aisle N° 2: Eating disorders, but Joe grabs my arms and pulls me to N° 4: Depression.

"Really? I thought I was back for throwing up."

"Yes, but since you were watching how your Blue Prince walked away and then drowned on your tears, you didn’t listen that throwing up was caused by depression and along with the doctor -which you probably ignored too- we decided to label it as depression and sign you here for that. You should pay more attention before saying 'Do whatever you want'..."

"Fuck you, Joe. I didn’t want Pete to leave, now I don’t know how long it’ll take for him to visit me and I didn’t get to kiss him for the last time, his farewell was cold and painful, I wanted it to be different." I cry to that memory as we walk to my room, so now I look like I really belong here.

And things haven’t changed a bit, because again, my nurse is Nurse Elisa Yao.

"Patrick? I didn’t believe it when they told me… why?"

"I just had the wrong reaction to a fight with my boyfriend, and… yeah, this happened. Don’t worry, I’ll make a good patient this time, I want to be out as soon as possible."

"I’m glad to hear that. Glad to see you again, Joe."

"Same here, Nurse Yao."

"So, are you gonna replace me again?"

"Not this time, the little thing’s behaving, he won’t do anything beyond saying 'Fuck you' "

"I’ll keep it in mind. So, I’ll take you to Doctor Debiak’s office and he’ll give you the diagnosis and the treatment, okay?"

"Don’t worry, Nurse, do whatever you want."

"Joe…"

"But you said that!"

"But not to the Nurse! You know what? You can leave now, I’ll be fine."

"You’re casting me out! How offensive, I’ve given you so much…" I laugh and I hug him. He hugs back with all his strength "Take care, little thing, behave, and don’t talk to strangers."

"As if I could do it…"

"Hey, you’re dating one."

"He’s not a stranger."

"But he was one" he says with a funny expression. We both laugh and he leaves the rehab thing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Nurse Yao... Doctor Debiak... XD That came just perfectly XD  
> *I'm way too busy, and still took sometime to upload this, why? Because I love you!! And I know you love this too, so thanks :)


	40. ...And other things can be new...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things you didn't expect...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello sweethearts, I'm kinda back :D

I walk with Nurse Yao to a place I had been to only once two years ago. The wooden door has the label _Dr. David Debiak_. I didn’t know him either, I learnt almost every doctor’s name during my free time walking through this place, he must be new or something.

"Patrick Stump, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Doctor."

The diagnosis session is as boring as expected, but the diagnosis isn’t.

"Really?"

"Yes Patrick, you are depressed."

"Well, now I am." I look everywhere but the Doctor and Nurse Yao, who is just sitting there with a concerned look. She says I’m like her little brother or something, so she doesn’t want to see me in this kind of situation.

"Why do you think is that?"

"‘Cause I’m in a white jail away from my boyfriend?" I frown but don’t turn to see him, I’m trying to clear my mind by reading the titles in the bookshelf for the thousandth time.

"Hahaha, a white jail, Patrick?"

"Yeah, a friend taught me the nickname, cool huh?"

"If you think it is." I hate condescendant doctors, but Dr. Debiak is different, he’s cool. I think he really considers it funny.

So I have to go to group therapy, and do relaxing things like crafts, my diet will be checked so I don’t fall into the temptation of not eating, and Nurse Yao knows what’s it like to deal with my full belly when I didn’t want to eat, so she needs no instructions on the matter. It is forbidden staying alone and I must get some friends here, loneliness would increase my depression.

Maybe Doctor was right. I was so sad about being without Pete that I became depressed about it and wanted to sit alone in the corner of a white padded room crying until they told me Pete was allowed in or I was going out to see him. And I did wanted to, none of this made sense. I was aware of what it was like to deal with a bipolar, I wanted to do it, so just being put here for that small incident made me miserable.

"Hey, Doctor" I said pretty away from the actual place where the Doctor was "can Pete be a part of my treatment?"

"I’m afraid he won’t" he said after a lot of hesitation.

"Then you’ll have me here for a long time…"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woow, a little way too short for such a long wait :P but it was already written that way XD  
> Hope it's enough for some time until I can come back for few minutes like today :P  
> *Comments are highly appreciated :)


	41. I’ve been missing you to death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy while it lasts

_I have an appointment in the Clinic. I have to pick up some medicines and stuff. I talk to my doctor about Patrick, I shouldn’t have cried, but I can’t help it. He says he’ll try to arrange some meeting with him, but nothing’s sure._

I am walking to the waiting room, my brother’s visiting me today for the first time since I came in. I see someone opening a door. His arm has a Nightmare Before Christmas tattoo sleeve.

"Pete!" I call his name with a high pitched voice I didn’t know I have. He turns to see me with his brown eyes shining bright as I’ve never seen them. I run to him and he catches me in his arms. I hide my face in his shoulder and hear him laughing.

"I missed you so much, my little angel, how are you?"

"Horrible, I miss you. I want to get out, but they won’t let me." I look into his eyes and see he’s been crying. It hurts me so much. I hold his head in my hands and pet his sideburns "aw Petey."

I notice Nurse Yao is standing next to us when I put my lips on his, then I remember that she told me once she had never actually seen two guys kissing, I laugh to that memory and he laughs with me.

"I’m so happy to see you" he says petting my hair "My doctor says he’ll try to arrange something, but nothing’s sure, let’s wait it will happen."

I can just smile, I turn to see Nurse and laugh at her expression.

"So, this is famous Pete Wentz."

"Yes, he is, my dear, dear boyfriend."

"Nice to meet you, like, physically, he won’t stop talking about you" I feel like a little kid when Pete smiles and shakes Nurse’s hand. She’s still a little stunned.

"I don’t mean to be rude, but, your brother’s waiting and the time is really short, so…"

"Yes, I get it" I turn to see Pete once again. **This farewell won’t leave me a heartache**  "I love you, darling. I’ll be out in no time, you’ll see."

"I’m sure, honey."

We kiss as if we had never done it before. Sadly we have to stop, but now, it feels a lot better: there’s the hope that it’ll happen again, soon. I watch him go with a smile on his face and Nurse takes my hand so I walk faster.

I find Kevin sitting at a coffee table in the visit room. I used to see it as a jail’s visit room, but today I’m happy, so it’s like meeting in a fancy cafeteria, with my freedom and stuff. I walk fast and he stands up when he sees me so enthusiastic. We hug and it feels amazing. It’s the second hug I get in two weeks and I was feeling homesick, I miss my family, so having him here is great. We sit and I see him smiling, happy to find a healthy Patrick, and not a wreck like the first time.

"How are you, young brother? You seem pretty happy"

"I am, I just saw Pete! isn’t it amazing?" **No, it isn’t**  "Kevin, that’s good news. Don’t make that face…"

"Patrick, you know what I think of Pete…"

"Come on! Give him a chance" I _was_ happy.

"And why was he here?"

"He had an appointment or something. Kevin stop…"

"No Patrick, you stop. That relationship almost finished your life..."

"No, it helped me, please, you don’t know how I’ve changed, this was just an incident…"

"Patrick, you can’t live waiting for an incident…"

"Just like you."

"Please, stop comparing this to me."

"But Kevin, that’s the way you feel, that’s what I get from you. But you need to know, we are different."

"Listen, if that will bring you back here, I’ll kick him so hard, he’ll forget his name."

"If you do that, I’ll get worse."

"Patrick, you can’t make your health depend on someone like him."

I don’t answer, I don’t want to. I just frown and look at him, he tries to find the words to convince me to break up with Pete.

"I won’t leave him. What do you want from me?"

"I want you to be happy."

"But not with him. How then?"

"I… Patrick, you need to find someone else."

"A girl." I say with poison in my voice. He looks surprised, offended and… caught. I knew it, that’s his problem with me.

"I did not say that."

"Whatever, that’s the way you’ve always felt, and you won’t stop until I agree with that. Until I get a healthy cute _girl_ , something like Nurse, right?" I see Nurse Yao sitting awkwardly through my tears.

"No, no, I haven’t" he holds my hands. "no, brother, please don’t cry" I wipe my tears and look at him" I’ve never… come on. It’s not… the problem is _that guy_ , not that he’s _a guy_.

"But, but I love him, don’t you see? I was happy cause I saw him, why can’t you be happy for me? Give him a chance…"

"Were you even planning to introduce him?"

"Yes… but you’re always busy and stuff, so…  I didn’t have the moment."

He stands up, his time here is over. So he hugs me and pets my hair.

"I love you, you’re the best I’ve got." he holds my head in his hands "But I don’t like that guy, he’s gonna have it hard to gain my trust."

"You’re gonna like him at the end." he stands and pats my shoulder, shakes his head and says.

"I seriously doubt it."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I'm being so cruel, and I'm just beginning... :/


	42. The so expected unwanted chat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it didn't last that long...

_I’m sitting under the sun in a park near the Clinic. It feels warmer than ever. My heart feels weird, like tickles, it makes me laugh. I smell my shirt: it smells like Patrick and medicines, I smile with my eyes closed. I’m feeling healthy, it’s the feeling I get when I’m with Patrick, my natural mood regulator. Somehow this bench is the most comfortable place on Earth. I hear someone clearing their throat. I open my eyes and get shocked. This is not the_ Stump _I wanted to see now._

_"Peter…" he hates me, hooow he hates me. I just stay in the awkward silence, it’s hard to keep my eyes on his. I’m so shocked I forgot his name, crap, now he’ll hate me more…_

_"You’re Patrick’s brother."_

_"Kevin."_

_"Ah, yeah, Kevin… so" he won’t sit next to me, he’s standing in front of me with his arms crossed and frowning, I don’t know what will happen next, but I get the feeling I won’t like it._

" _I_ _don’t like you" wow, that was pretty fast "but my little brother loves you, and I’d really like to know why."_

_Why does Patrick like me? It’s funny how I don’t have the answer now, but I get the feeling he’s going to strangle me or something, so I can’t speak._

_"Well, the first time I saw him, it was in the gym, and I thought he was really handsome, then in the hospital, he said something and I felt, like…" it’s really weird saying that to his brother, but I’ve got to "a connection with him."_

_"Now I remember, you’re the guy from that day. Yeah, I don’t know why I had forgotten, well, I was taking care of other things. I was very thankful back then, you know? I never imagined this talk with the guy that saved my brother’s life once, but now, you’re ruining it. You haven’t answered my question, though. What did my brother see in you?"_

_"Well, he thinks I’m handsome, or so he said once" I feel like a puppy that’s being reprimanded._

_"That’s not too deep, don’t you think?"_

_"I’m trying, I’m trying…"_

_"Trying to… what?"_

_"Keep my head clear so I won’t do something stupid" it is very hard, pressure is no good for my head, I don’t want to do something to this guy, so he’ll sue me and I won’t ever see Patrick again._

_"What’s wrong with you?"_

_"Well, I am bipolar, there’s a lot wrong with me…"_

_"Even you know that. And that’s where I wanted to get. What did my brother see in YOU?"_

_I always thought my condition would represent a problem in my relationships, but I never imagined I’d have a problem with_ the brother _of my boyfriend._

_"Speak up, Pete, what did he say in the hospital?"_

_"He was mad at me because I found out he was sick and brought him to a hospital, where he didn’t want to be. He was upset that I put my nose in his business, thinking what was better for him. That’s what I saw, a little sick guy like me, he understood everything. He understood how’s it like to get healthy people trying to help when they know nothing about this."_

_"That sounds like he didn’t like you in the beginning, what made him change his mind?"_

_"Well, I insisted, I guess. I knew he didn’t really like me, but then he just… drove me home, and everything begun there."_

_"You got into my brother’s car…"_

_"He invited me. I always took the bus, until that day. I was going to do it when he said that he didn’t want let anyone in until he fixed his life, because the day before I had asked him out and he said no, but that day, he said he’d drive me home, and we started chatting, and then I asked him for lunch because I wanted to tell him everything. And I did, but he did too, and he told me about his eating disorder and the time he spent at the Clinic. Then I said, and he agreed, that we were very alike, so after a while he said he liked the fact I’m so like him, that I won’t abandon him ‘cause he is crazy, cause I am too."_

_He just stands with his lips pressed. Finally, he sighs._

_"Then that’s it, that’s the way he thinks, he had told me that, but I never thought it could be, like, that much…"_

_Then he already knew! Why did he push me so hard, and get me stressed? Oh, yeah, he hates me…_

_"Have you ever thought the damage you can cause putting someone through dealing with your condition?" he asks with anger and surrender in his voice._

_"Every single second of my miserable existence… that’s why I never had a formal boyfriend before, everyone ran away, like, for their lives, as if being with me was a course that would stop their lives from being perfect. But Patrick didn’t fear me, because, he’s not just my type, he’s_ my kind. _"_

_He nods defeated, he nods slowly and heavily, he nods, when he actually wants to shake his head._

_"I have to like you, then" he says with a tone that’s nothing but throwing away everything he believes in._

_"I’m kinda cool… when I’m not maniac" then I realize I opened my mouth too much when he says_

_"That’s it, I don’t want it to hurt Patrick anymore." I put my arms around me. Okay, actually I hug myself, ‘cause I need it and no one’s gonna do it. I feel really sad that someone’s spitting the truth in my face in such a way._

_"Off course I knew I’d hurt Patrick, I think about it everyday. It scared me to death that he’d think that too and reject me when we met. I was dreading this day, I never meant to hurt him, I didn’t want to. But, he also wanted to protect me from his own disease, so I thought it would be okay to be with him, ‘cause we feel the same way…" I can’t talk, my throat’s got a knot, and tears form in my eyes. For Patrick, the only person worth crying for now._

_"If you knew it…"_

_"Because, because… I love him. I’ve dated guys, but couldn’t feel much for them, I love Patrick, and he LOVES ME. I thought, love could face anything, it seems I was wrong."_

_"I don’t want you with my brother. I won’t say it twice. Next time, I’ll kick you. Stay away, if you 'love him', let him go."_

_"But, it’s not my fault, I…"_

_"It’s not your fault that you’re a maniac, but it isn’t Patrick’s either. So go." he turns around and walks away fast._

_I feel sad, weak, guilty. Patrick’s scent is fading from my shirt and I only got a stupid jar of lithium._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Oh my!, she's back, I thought she wasn't ever coming back!"  
> I might not :P  
> Nah, kidding, but it will take as long as this, so be patient darlings :)  
> Thank you for staying tuned ;)


	43. Hi, I’m Patrick...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and it's not your fucking problem...

Today is the first group therapy session. The director is… Richard. Wow, then the Star Patient became counselor, he looks at me longer that what I feel comfortable with.

"Stumpf?"

"Actually, it’s just Stump"

"Really? You write with -ph"

"Yeah, but the pronunciation is different…"

"And why are you here? I thought you were out, or not?"

"Yes, I was out, but… let’s keep it for the session, okay?"

"Perfect!"

We sit like kindergarten kids in a circle. I wonder how would Gerard be in this kind of things, I want to see that little cocky brat answering to the other cocky brat who is Richard, but I guess I won’t live to see that. I don’t want to talk about my problems, but I know how this works, you cooperate and Doctor says you’re fine, and TA-DA! you’re free to go.

"And now, a very special person" **Fuck, that’s so unnecessary**  "he was here, and… he’ll tell us why he is back."

"Hi, I’m Patrick…"

I tell my story as summed up as possible. Richard smiles like an idiot **“Keep going, Patrick”, “No I won’t”, “Come on, don’t be shy”**. I want to remove those stupid eyes from his stupid skull.

"I’m glad you’re open in your first session, it’s obvious you’re different from before. Anything else?"

"No, that’s it."

"Thanks for sharing."

"Uh-huh."

"Patrick…" says a girl who hasn’t spoken but has suuper thin arms- uhmm. You say you’re gay, and that… how’s it like to have an eating disorder… and…" **I’m gonna kill the next person who asks that stupid question**

"See, I hid it, but I became bulimic cause I was fat, not gay, and… yeah, I had a problem with my self esteem, but not because of that, and… it’s not problem, you see? I have no problem accepting that, if that’s what you’re asking."

"Oh… I see." I nod, then kill everyone with my eyes **Are you gonna keep asking bullshit? No? Thank you.**

Nurse takes me to Doctor Debiak’s office after lunch.

"You don’t like talking to people, do you?" He’s got the report from Cocky Richard, who smiles, but hates me, so I guess he didn’t write nice things.

"Well, no if they think my problem is being gay and not starving."

"Is it?"

"No! I’m happy with that, got a boyfriend and stuff."

"Okay. You think you’re fine…"

"And you think I’m not…"

"You could be nicer"

"There are bunches of assholes out there and no one has taken them in here! Please, I can be nice, but I’m not gonna smile at everyone if I feel offended."

"I get that. I’m gonna be totally sincere with you. I’ve been asked to keep you here longer than expected"

"By my brother…" I know he nods, but I don’t see it, I just shake my head and fix my eyes on the bookshelf.

"He says you need some time…"

"Away from Pete." I spit trying to hold the tears back. Read the titles again. Can’t cry.

"... away from you problems…"

"Yeah, they’re synonyms to Kevin."

"Why don’t you talk to him?"

"Cause he won’t listen, yesterday I found Pete here and when I told him, he turned mad! He said he didn’t want to see me with him ever again…" Can’t cry, but I do it anyway.

"I’ll arrange some family counseling, okay?"

"Do whatever you want. He’s stubborn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi darlings, have you ever had to write a speech for you english class?  
> I had two topics, but I guess my teacher doesn't want to hear about Mikey Way's birthday or Patrick Stump's parenthood :P  
> Soo... I guess I'll go for something that involves animals :)  
> I'll be writing other stuff, but I won't forget about you :)  
> *Richard!... he's a nobody, actually :P XD  
> **Ps: Got a new fic going on, I'll update something soonish :D


	44. A friend...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need a friend for talking, and I think I like you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick hello darlings ;)  
> I think I might write something inspired on García Márquez, like "No One Writes To Gloriette", my inbox is a very lonely place nowadays...  
> (read: Please comment :D)

I'm walking with Nurse as an exercise to forget my misery. I walk like a zombie robot or something. She's both worried and relieved, she tries to calm me down about the meeting with my brother, I just want him to understand, he should be helping me not making things worse.

I turn and I see a very tall guy with black hair and a cup of coffee. I’ve only seen him once, but it’s impossible forgetting about him.

"Gerard?"

"Hey, what we’ve got there?, hey, Mikes, look who’s here."

"Patrick? You’re… back?" I sigh and nod

"I am."

"Why?"

"Long story, I don’t wanna talk about it. But I won’t stay here for long"

"How are you so sure?" asks Gerard sipping his coffee.

"Because it wasn’t a real relapse. Something happened and they considered it too much, so, here I am."

"Are we gonna be partners?"

"Well, it depends."

"On what?"

"Where are you going?"

"I don’t know, Mikey, do you know?"

"I told you, substance abuse…"

"Ahh, yeah, that one, from drinking right?"

"Yes, Gee, for drinking. You’re being missed, you know?"

"Am I that important? Had no idea…"

"Well, you’re a very good writer, Jamia said she missed reading your column, apparently she’s a big fan, and she’s asked me what happened, but I couldn’t give her an answer. What do I say, then?"

"I’m visiting some relative, that’s what I asked the boss to believe. Well, actually it was my brother, but you get it…"

"Right, relative. Any details?"

"Nope, they don’t matter."

"Then I guess when Mikey leaves you can show me around…"

"Well, yeah, why not?"

Nothing like walking with Gerard Way to feel a little better about your own mental condition. The dude sure is insane, but he’s really cool. I wouldn’t make him my boyfriend, even if I didn’t have Pete, but his personality is stunning, and I’m glad he accepted coming to rehab, because such a potential can be wasted behind a glass of cheap alcohol. Besides, I feel like sober Gerard  is way cooler than drunk Gerard, so leading him to a healthy state of mind would make people love him by just exchanging a “Hello” with him. He’s a really cool dude, I really hope he makes it through.

At night, Nurse checks everything’s okay with me and I think about people around me. I begin with today’s biggest impression: Mikey. The disappointment in his eyes was like stabbing me repeatedly and somehow it feels like something expected from me. Maybe he doesn’t mean it, but it felt like Mikey was waiting to see me back into such a place, relapsing, falling again, being weak.

"Nurse, what did you think when you saw me back?" It’s not like I need her, because we both know I’m doing well and I want to heal as soon as possible to leave, so I’m not in that delicate state of mind. Either way, she knows me, so she knows I like to talk in the middle of the night to keep myself from crying. That is pretty effective as a treatment, and  although I might shed couple tears, it’s more weight relieving than crying on my own.

"Well… it was really sad, knowing you were back, I kinda wanted it to be a mistake, or someone with the same name, I didn’t want to see you back in such a painful situation."

"But, did you think I was expected to do that?"

"What? No, off course not, Patrick. I always saw the strong young man in you, I still see him. I never thought we’d meet in this circumstances again, I thought you could be perfect afterwards."

"Well, at least someone here has high hopes on me, thank you."


	45. It’s supposed to be hard.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But it's nothing at the end...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 45 chapters already!!! :D!!!  
> Thanks for reading up until here :)

It’s 7 am. Pete’s been awake for 1 hour. He’s already taken a shower and he’s making breakfast. When I picture him done with making whatever he’s going to eat, and sit, and eat it, then I can begin eating. Nurse Yao sighs in relief.

"Did you think I wasn’t going to do it?"

"Well, you weren’t daring to begin, so…"

"Yeah, I just, need time to fully understand I’m here again, you know?" she nods with her lips pressed and just watches as I slowly take a spoonful and almost carelessly put it in my mouth.

The oatmeal of this place will always have the same taste: not sweet enough and too doughy, but edible, at the end of the day. I can take as much time as I want because of my past “condition”, which is a “present condition”, harder because of a harder depression, or so Dr. Debiak said. I chew the thing so slowly, it can make Nurse sleepy, so I feel like telling her it’s okay to take a nap, I’ll eat no doubt. And actually I’m about to, when a really shaky Gerard Way sits in front of me and wakes Nurse.

"I hate it here" he says biting his finger and staring out the window "no alcohol, no cigarettes, no coffee." **Coffee? Then the thing’s genetic**  "Why are you smiling?"

"Can you put 5 cups of coffee in less than five minutes inside your body?"

"I can put 6."

"Then you beat Mikey."

"Yeah…"

I’m still eating slowly but non stop. Gerard hasn’t touched his plate. His nurse is used to this kind of things. Is Ray Toro, he was taking care of a girl who left a note explaining how amazing he was as a nurse, so it wasn’t his fault that she killed herself. Unfortunately, it was Toro himself who found the body hanging. She was about to go out, or so we thought; that’s why she didn’t need that much attention over her, or so we thought.

"It is supposed to be hard." he says finally looking at me with his nail between his teeth, and pointing at my plate with the other hand..

"Well, I’m not here for an actual eating disorder, I’m… depressed or something."

"Or something?... huh… is it even edible? It doesn’t look tasty. Actually, I wouldn’t feel guilty if I don’t eat it."

"Well, it won’t kill you…"

"But it’s too much." I put my eyes on his plate.

"It’s too little, you should be thankful, I had to eat twice that the first time I came here."

"Really? Wouldn’t it make your stomach explode?"

"Well, they exposed me to that amount of food, until I wouldn’t throw up to the simple idea of seeing it."

"What did you throw up if you ate nothing?"

"No idea. Human body tends to be stupid sometimes." Gerard laughs loudly and puts everyone’s eyes on us. He grabs the spoon and Nurse Toro’s eyes shine. He puts some oatmeal on it and examines it, he smells it, then put the spoon down.

"I won’t eat it."

"Please Gerard, cooperate."

"I said I won’t and I won’t Toro, you can’t force me."

"Yes, he can" I say and poor Nurse Toro kills me with his eyes. "They’re gonna give you some appetite inductors and you’re gonna hate yourself because you feel hungry even when you _don’t_ wanna feel hungry, so you’re gonna eat anyway. And you’ll be exposed to food three times a day, then you’re going to feel like throwing up the garbage, but you can’t ‘cause you’ve got their eyes on you, so you’ll start eating like a normal human should do."

"You’re some kind of expert in this, huh?"

"Graduated with honors."

"You should try to be that persuasive, Toro." His Nurse frowns and he says "well, whatever, let’s see what’s it like."

He fights for putting the food in his mouth. When he swallows, I see little tears on his eyes.

"You say _you want_ to eat after that?"

"Yeah, then it’s okay, it feels like… nothing."

It’s true, it feels like _nothing_. There was this guy who was amazed about all the flavors he had been missing and ended up enjoying eating as the maximum ecstasy allowed to mankind. He was a brainwashed, compared to me. Maybe he would have given Gerard the speech he expected and knew how to reject, so he wouldn’t be here today. It was the kind of guy every patient should be like, and they made him the role model for everyone in the aisle. But to me, it was nothing. It became something when it was with Pete.

"Hey Patrick, what’s it like to be gay _and_ having an eating disorder?"

"Shouldn’t you know that?!"  **Is that shit genetic, too?**

"I don’t have an eating disorder, I’m an alcoholic."

"And you replace food with alcohol. That’s an eating disorder."

"Really?" he asks Nurse Toro

"Yes, it is. It’s combined with many things, such as…"

"I don’t wanna hear it. I had a healthy diet and shit, back then, you know? So I don’t consider myself the 'eating disorder kind'. But if that’s it, then that’s it. It’s disgusting how you already finished eating."

"It’s just predictable how you haven’t begun."  **Come on, Nurse Toro, I’m helping big time, trust me.**

"Oh. Then I’m a predictable shit."

"I didn’t say 'shit', but if you self appeal that…"

"I won’t let you win" and he begun eating, being watched by both Nurses with wide eyes." Agh!! this is soo disgusting!! How did you do that?!

"I told you, it’s nothing, you put it inside because you need it, but don’t think too much about it."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'll be outside my city for one whole week (which doesn't make a big difference, but I wanted to tell you)  
> I wanted to update Chapter 2 of my other fic "Andy" soon, but I won't make it. I won't be able to read the ones I follow, so I feel a little sad :/


	46. I’m okay now!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How come no one believes me?, believe me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Hello :)

"You draw, awesome."

"It’s awesome that I draw, or the way that I draw?"

"Well, both."

"Thanks. And what are you doing?"

"Well, knitting, or something like that." I look at my piece and remember why I dedicated my life to writing.

"Or something, again. Don’t you have anything different to say?"

"Well, I guess I don’t wanna label things, like, putting only my own criteria over all the criterias that can exist."

"Haha, that’s how you became a writer?"

"Opinion writer, we all have one, so they can agree or disagree, right?"

"You’re weird."

"You’re weirder, what’s that?"

"A superhero or something."

"Or something?"

"Yeah, I might learn couple things from you. Hey, do you have a picture of your Famous Wonderful Boyfriend?"

"Eh… nope. My brother didn’t let me bring any of that."

"Wow, that’s cruel. Then, why are you here?"

"He’s bipolar, and we had an argument, so he exploded and said horrible thing, he didn’t mean it, off course, but I had this overreaction, that’s why I’m here."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, but he’ll visit me"  **At least I got that hope**

"Wanna… ah no, wait, we can’t do that…"

"What?"

"Smoke." I laugh and he frowns.

"Hahaha, You can’t smoke in a rehab center, man."

"I know! It’s hell."

"Anyway, I don’t smoke. Ahh whatever, it’s lunch time" I say when I see Nurse Yao standing on the door of the craft room.

"No! Agh! That’s gonna kill me before making me better."

"Come on, Gerard, stop crying."

"I don’t cry, you’re the depressed guy here."

I laugh to that, feeling a little hurt, off course. I walk with Gerard behind me dragging his feet, torturing Nurse Toro with his complaining. I lower my pace to talk to him, Doctor Debiak’s walking by and he needs to see me okay, laughing, so next time I’ll go to his office he’ll say “Wow Patrick, I’m impressed, you can go now” and I’ll live my happy life with Pete.

When he meets my eyes I raise my eyebrows, “I’m fine Doc., don’t you see? Can I go now?” He shakes his head with a smile, “You’re not leaving this place, crazy thing, not yet” I frown like a kid and he laughs.

"What?" asks Gerard when he notices I’m not really listening.

"Do I look okay to you?"

"Well everyone looks good to me, like, better than me, off course."

"Pff, that doesn’t work… Nurse Toro, do I look okay to you?"

"Well, you look healthy, you eat what you need" referring to Gerard, who just makes a noise. "but, what you got inside…"

"Yeah, I’m still wrong. Nurse Yao, help me out, pleaseeeee…"

"I’m sorry Patrick, it’s the Doctor’s criteria."

"Ahhhh, I’m never going out" I sigh as we sit down with Gerard’s well known complain about food.

I’m still counting the days inside this place, they’re all the same. I shouldn’t be here. I think I might write an article about this. Everyone writes about what’s it like to put a crazy into a rehab thing and getting a healthy person, now if you put a healthy person, you’ll get a crazy mess. I am going crazy, this is not okay, I have to go now. Now. Now.


	47. On the edge…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why do I always have to do the thing I'm supposed to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I know around 44 people who are not going to be really happy with this chapter...  
> sorry
> 
> PS: It's gonna get better (eventually :P )

_"Joe?"_

_"Ehh… Pete?"_

_"Yes. I need to talk to you."_

_"God, you sound horrible, okay, can you come here, or do you need me to go there?"_

_"I’d really appreciate if you came, thanks."_

_I give him my address and sit in my couch trying to relax. It’s been 20 seconds. 40 seconds. One minute… I stop counting ‘cause it’s nerve wrecking and not really helping, Patrick thinks that cute, though, Patrick’s cute, I need him. 45 minutes now…._

_The doorbell is the most annoying sound there could be if I’m thinking about Patrick, who could that be? Fuck! yes, Joe._

_"Wow, you ARE wrong, what happened?" he says as a greeting when I open the door and invite him in._

_"Patrick’s brother is killing me."_

_"How is that?"_

_"He is, like, he hates me, and he wants me away from Patrick, but I can’t just be, because I love him, but I know I’ve hurt him and he’s right, but it hurts me, and… and I don’t know what to do."_

_"Well, I think it’s better if you talked to him."_

_"I’ve already have! And it’s always the same thing! he won’t change his opinion about me, and now he wants me to break up with Patrick…"_

_"You know that would kill the little guy, don’t you?"_

_"I do! And so it would kill me, which doesn’t really matter, Patrick matters, he’s more important. But then again, Kevin thinks it’s me who’s going to kill him, I’m lost Joe, tell me what to do…"_

_He puts a hand over his lips and frowns. This guy is awesome, he shouldn’t be doing this, he puts himself after Patrick, and now his in MY house wasting his time. No offense,  but I wish the only “brother” was Joe, he’s nicer, and he doesn’t try to wreck my poor head everytime I see him. Now I wonder if I interrupted something in his life, God, I feel horrible, he shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t have called…_

_"Listen" he says exhaling heavily, and I know it’s gonna be something really hard to say. "I’m gonna have a chat with Kevin, and I’ll see if I can change his mind, but if I don’t, then you’ll have to stand up for this, okay? I know it’s not easy, but you’ve gotta fight for what you love. You love Patrick, right?"_

_"More than I love my filthy life."_

_"Then, you have to find a solution that makes you both happy. I think that you should stay with him, the guy was at his best when he started dating you, and that was the first time I stopped worrying about a relapse, if I’m totally sincere, so the way I see it, I think you should stay together and prove Kevin that."_

_"But remember what happened, why we are talking about this, I was too rude with him, he cannot live waiting for that to happen. And if it does? I don’t wanna hurt him, and staying with him, even when I know that, just because I feel good, it’s selfish. Do you get my dilemma?"_

_"I do Pete, it’s really  hard, but it’s up to you. Think about what you consider the best given all of this. My advice is keeping Patrick, ’cause you’ve both been better since you begun dating, and I don’t think a breakup would do him any better. I’m going to talk to Kevin, no doubt. You better now?"_

_"Well, I think I’m where I started, but you’re on my side, so I feel a little more confident."_

_"That’s good."_

_"Sorry, Joe, you can leave now, I didn’t mean to interrupt your life."_

_"Hey, things related to Patrick never interrupt my life. Take care man, see you."_

_It’s been 10 seconds since Joe left, and I still don’t know what to do, and I never will. Probably I’ll have to wait until he gives me Kevin’s message, I hope his ability with words change that mind, or else, I’m going to die._

_***********_

_Big brother has spoken: NO means NO._

_"Sorry dude, the man’s stubborn."_

_"Well, there’s only one thing I can do now…"_

_"Man, think about how it will hurt Patrick…"_

_"I’ve got so many ways to hurt Patrick in my hands, I don’t know which one is worse." then I cry like a baby with my head on my hands._

_"Remember what I told you: he got better when he started dating you…"_

_"And since I’m a psycho, he’ll never be fine again!"_

_"He’ll know how to manage it, he’s a smart guy, last time he was caught out of guard, but I can assure you he’s gonna be better prepared."_

_"I don’t want him to live expecting that…"_

_"Wow, now you’re using Kevin’s words."_

_"Am I? then maybe he’s right."_

_"Or maybe he’s wrong. There’s nothing I can say now though, it’s your time to choose…"_

_"I love him more than anything and anyone I’ve ever loved, and I want him to be happy."_

_"You know what to do, now?" I sigh, and feel like my soul is gone in that single breath._

_"I think I do."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I feel a little weird (perhaps guilty?) writing this kind of stuff with little Declan around, but...  
> It's cute anyways :P


	48. Things we do for love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From now on we're...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who hates Gloriette?  
> Yes! Patrick, Pete and readers hate Gloriette!!  
> I apologize for this, tissues ready, everyone?

"Your brother told me you needed to talk to someone." said Doctor Debiak with some kind of worry. Kevin had a weird expression, like he felt guilty, but tried to hide it. Then the door opened.

"PETE!!!" I ran to his arms and felt how he held me weakly."I missed so much…" There was something weird about the way he breathed. His chest felt uncomfortable. He didn’t greet me. Something was going on. "What’s wrong? Why aren’t you smiling?" I smiled weakly, but he had a very upset expression, his eyes were sad and angry. I wanted to kiss him, but somehow it felt like he wouldn’t kiss back.

"Patrick… I… I am not a good person for you."

"What? No, but, Pete, you make me feel wonderful…"

"But for how long?"

"Forever!"

"No, it’s gonna be as long as I am stable, then I’m gonna hurt you again, I’ll have an episode and tell you something horrible, then you’re gonna relapse, and then you’re gonna end up in a hospital, and back here, and…"

"No! It was just this time, I’ll manage, I can stand it..."

"You don’t have to, you don’t deserve living that way…"

"Neither you do! But we can go through it together."

"You don’t have to!"

"I won’t run from you! I love you! I’m gonna be your company."

"But Patrick, I’m not a good company for you!"

"But I feel incomplete without you, and so do you!" My breathing is very uneasy, very fast, I’m pressing my teeth, my eyes are flooded, my nails are sinking in my hands. But this is not like any other fight we’ve had, Pete always reacts the same way I do, but today he breathes slowly, he is sad, but serious, he is not crying, his eyes are set on mine.

"Patrick" he holds my face on his hands. He raised the volume just a little, he didn’t seem upset like the morning I relapsed. "I love you, I really do…"

"Then why are you saying this?!" I’m losing control, as if we changed places. He’s calm, and I’m psycho.

"Because I love you so much I can’t stand seeing you like that. I feel like you deserve something better. It’s for your own sake, okay?" his voice broke in the last second, no one else could have noticed.

"So, you’re… breaking up with me?" my tears start flowing, and I see that he doesn’t want to do this. This idea didn’t come from his own head.

"I love you, I want you to be happy" I think I kinda understand what he’s doing, it hurts like hell, but I guess I have to keep this going.

"There’s no one who could make me as happy as you…" I hold his face like he’s holding mine "I’m gonna miss you, I’ll never forget you…"

"You will always be my little angel…"

He finally sheds couple tears, and, being certain that it’s the last time, I kiss him. Our lips are burning. The kiss is deep, it lasts forever, his tongue tastes all my mouth, as to remember how it feels, I begin pulling away. With my eyes closed, I press my front against his, and then I step back to look into his eyes. There’s no need to say “Goodbye” for our farewell, he just walks out the door without taking his eyes out of mine. The door closes and I fall on my knees crying.

"Are you happy now? Is it enough? Is this what you wanted?" I say turning my eyes to my brother, who just stands there with some kind of guilt in his eyes" he’s gone, just what you wanted, and if you want, it’s gonna be forever, you must be pretty happy. Now I can be your baby brother again and you can patronize me in this fucking white jail."

None of them says a thing, everyone knows I’m right. After a lot of hesitation, Kevin opens his mouth.

"Patrick, this was necessary, you…"

"Shut up. I don’t wanna talk to anyone… I want Nurse."

When I’m having a tantrum, I call Nurse and she hugs me. Then she puts me in my bedroom until I cry every single tear. Then she takes me out and we do 'healthy things', like taking a walk, relaxing crafts and other things to distract me from my depression.

"Why do you think Doctor accepted that, Lisa?" I’m so far sunk in both the depression and the painting I’m doing, I just call her Lisa, she doesn’t mind.

"Well, I guess he’s got something to prove."

"Whether I need Pete or not?"

"Maybe."

_I knew it would hurt like hell, I knew it was gonna tear every single cell in my body. But that’s the best for him, and his life is the only one that matters. Now I’ll only have to stay away from sharp objects. Or close, maybe that’s the best. If Kevin knows the worst thing ever happened to his brother has no chance of coming back, and he’s not running the risk of being back with it, then everything would be better. My life was empty without Patrick, and I don’t wanna feel that hole in my chest again, so if I finish this sorry existence right away, I’ll be making everyone a favor._

_Joe doesn’t think the same, though, he thinks of me as a friend and also wants me to be happy. He’s waiting for me with his boyfriend and again I’m extremely sorry that I’m a dead weight in his life. “If he knows you killed yourself, he’s gonna do the same” I don’t want that, so I guess I’ll have to carry this miserable existence and survive in this unbearable pain for Patrick. Everything I do is for Patrick, I had already found someone worth living for and now I lost him. I can’t live that way, but if that’ll make him sad, then I’ll keep going._

_I hate my wrecked life soo much..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gloriette be like: "I'm a rat!!! I'm a piece of crap!! Why, me? Why??!!" *Cries an ocean and finishes all the tissues*


	49. My little angel IS crazy…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When what they say comes true...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... In honor to the Project of Reasearch in Education I don't want to do: Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Chapter 49.  
> And it is a very important chapter in this story, and I'm telling you why:  
> This scene of Patrick in front of the lake with a lost sight was the trigger of the whole story. I had this little crazy Patrick in my head and I needed a story where he belonged. And so I began writing chapter one, thinking this chapter would come a lot earlier that it did. I never imagined the lenght, or the sex(it was completely out when I first imagined :P then just fit in) or most things that are here.  
> This is one thing I love/hate about writing, you have this plot in your head, and it the end, the story isn't even yours, it's itself's, and it leads, you just follow. I like to think about writings as little monsters, they are weird and alive.  
> Then "Relapses" was meant to be something, now I don't mean it to be something, I'm just like: "You know what, fic? Do whatever you want, let's see where it leads us"  
> Then hope you enjoy the beginning point of this whole craziness, thank you for staying tunned, and I'd like to welcome new readers, I've gotten a lot of new Kudos feed on my e-mail, and I smile everytime I see them, so thank you :)
> 
> So... done with all these random thoughts and explanations... The chapter, dear readers:

_"I’ll ask people here to not write your name on the visit record, okay?"_

_"Yeah, thanks."_

_What would I do without Joe? Even if I shouldn’t see Patrick anymore, because he is no longer my boyfriend, I need it, I need to talk to him, or at least just knowing how he is. So this great man Patrick and I owe many things, gave me the chance to come here without Kevin knowing. Patrick’s Doctor knows, but he’s a cool guy, so he won’t tell Kevin either; besides, he says he’s got something to tell me._

_"Well, Pete, there’s something you need to know before going to see Patrick." I say nothing, so he continues "he hasn’t been at his best, and maybe you already imagined that, but he seriously isn’t quite okay. In this moment, I don’t feel like the therapy is making him evolve. You’ll find him under the effects of couple drugs, so his behavior is not normal. Nurse Yao is going to check everything up close, we’ll go from the distance, okay?"_

_I nod. They take me to the garden. It is really beautiful because it has a little forest and a lake. The place is actually relaxing and my Nurse brought me here whenever I felt depressed. It is great the meeting is going to be held here, or else it’ll be so much harder. Nurse Yao is already there and without a word she leads me to a bench that’s facing the lake. He’s sitting there, staring emptily at the water and the sun that reflects there makes his eyes shine, but they are actually dim and sleepy. Nurse allows me to walk towards him and I feel a heavy knot in my stomach, he doesn’t react when I sit next to him._

_"Patrick?" I fear, I don’t know how he is going to react, and Doctor Debiak told me he wasn’t acting normally, so I don’t know what to expect._

_"Pete?" he turns to see me and it hurts me to see black rings around his eyes, which are almost closed. He’s not naturally pale, and he smiles weakly with his dry lips. He sure is under the effects of something quite heavy. I don’t want him to be treated like a crazy thing, he’s a wonderful guy. And I don’t care what they say, he’s still mine, and I’m still his, and my little angel shouldn’t suffer that way, so I want to take him with me now._

_"How are you, little angel?" I know we’re not together anymore, so I shouldn’t use that nickname, but I just can’t help it, that’s what he is._

_"Tired, and dizzy, but a little better now that I see you. How was your day? you came earlier today."_

_Wait, what? Earlier? But I haven’t been here in two weeks…_

_"How earlier, honey?" I try to smile, but I'm shocked at what he just said._

_"Yesterday you came a little later… does that mean you’re leaving sooner today? you never stay long, though" what is he talking about? "and yesterday you didn’t talk that much, you just kissed me, why aren’t you kissing me now?" he rests his head on my shoulder and closes his eyes. It seems he hasn’t slept enough, his breathing is heavy._

_"Patrick, I… we…"_

_"We’re back, aren’t we?... we’re not, right? ohh… yeah, now I remember, this isn’t real…"_

_"Real, how? This is real, but…"_

_"Lisa!" Nurse Yao walks towards him._

_"Tell me Patrick."_

_"I’m having those nightmares again…"_

_"You think it’s a nightmare, Patrick?" she asks concerned holding his hands_

_"It’s always the same, Lisa: he comes and says we’re back, but when I blink he’s gone, and I remember we’re not coming back…"_

_"But Patrick, I’m here" I feel a heavy stone weighing in my chest._

_"I want to go to sleep, Lisa, tell Doctor I’m sick of walking around." she helps him standing up, and I think I’m gonna need the same. I cry silently and then Joe comes with the Doctor._

_"That is not Patrick, he’s not my Patrick, where’s my Patrick? why is he gone?"_

_"What did he say?"_

_"He thinks I’m not real, he thought it was just the replay of a dream where we’re back together, but at the end I vanish and he stays alone. He couldn’t tell real from dream, he looks weak, he’s got black rings around his eyes, haven’t you noticed, Doctor? he doesn’t need those drugs, he needs to be taken out of here, please, let him out, you’re making things worse." Joe hugs me and I cry all my misery, not really hearing what Doctor says about a protocol and some exams and checking if everything’s okay, and something he’s got to prove._

_"... and I’d also like you to come more often, when he’s not that high on his drugs, so he can recognize you."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes, that part will be hidden from Kevin." I get the feeling that he wants to be an accomplice on this._

_"Okay, you just tell me when."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A little question popped in my head when I wrote the beginning note: Do gents actually read this? How many of you are dudes? I'm asking because most fic readers/writers I know are girls, like I haven't seen that guys are really into it, but you never know...  
> Just a weird question, don't really mind it :P*
> 
> *Random thing(as if you hadn't had enough :P): I'm not a native English speaker, and very recently I found out the word "Archive" it's actually pronounced like /Arkaiv/ or something. It was pretty shocking, I was like "I've been living a lie, pronouncing it worng" Lesson learnt, -in the worst kind of way(?) :P- I just needed to blow off steam with someone, and, unlucky you, you are here :P ~Thanks for that ;)~*


	50. I wonder, why me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always... wrong...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Drums*  
> Sooo... In honor of my almost finished University Semester...  
> CHAPTER 50!!!  
> ~That's half an Electric Cetury! :P~  
> I'd like to thank my readers, Fic haters Patrick and Pete(:P), my imaginary cat, my dear fic-lover friend Dianna, my teachers who won't leave me time for writing, the excess of homework and chocolate :)  
> Thnks fr rdng so far, and thnks fr th kudos and the cmmnts :)  
> I'd also like to thank 1am for being the best time for writing fic :)  
> Hope you enjoy the second chapter that gave birth to this story :P

Lisa pets my hair as I lay in bed. I look into her eyes and see sorrow. The effects of the drugs are fading, but I still feel dizzy.

"What’s wrong, Lisa?" I already know, I’m drugged as fuck and having me here is not the best idea ever, and Doctor’s gonna tell her off for letting me do what I want, but I just ask, I love her enough to be worried and I like to hear her voice.

"Aw, Patrick, you were so wrong just now." it’s been like two hours since I came back to the bedroom.

"I know, I’m not feeling okay, besides, I had that…" 'dream' it wasn’t a dream, not when it was clear my mind was playing me tricks. I shed couple tears and she wipes them."he seemed so real this time..."

"Patrick, it wasn’t a dream, Pete was here."

"No way… no way… he was?!"

"Yes, he came here, Joe and Doctor Debiak brought him, they thought it would be a good idea if you saw each other."

"And I was drugged, Lisa?!! Is he still here?"

"I’m afraid he left when you came here."

"No, no, no, no, nooooo. You know how much I need him, please Lisa, make him come back."

"Patrick, it’s not gonna be that easy, your brother can’t know, and we’re breaking the rules by not writing his name on the visit list."

"I  DON’T CARE ABOUT MY BROTHER LISA, I NEED TO SEE HIM!!" and here they come. Everytime I raise my voice, they come in and put something in my veins to sedate me, so I won’t become violent and hurt anyone. But I’d never hurt Lisa, she’s one of my biggest friends. We all know she shouldn’t have gotten that much involved with me, but she did, and now she’s containing her tears, she doesn’t think I’m just a mess.

"Lisa…" I say in a weak voice when they go "you know he’s what I need, you do, right?" she nods and then says:

"Patrick… I know this is something very hard for you to hear, and I hope it doesn’t change what you think of me, or how you see me as a friend, more that just a Nurse, I also don’t want you to think of me as an enemy. But you need to know something, and I tell you this because I love you: Kevin’s right, somehow. I understand that you love Pete, and I really like the fact that you found someone you feel comfortable with, and you have changed each other’s life for good. But don’t let it go that far. Your life is yours, and I know Pete is someone really important, but even when you broke up, don’t let it be the end of the world, okay? You know you’re strong, you’ve proven that, don’t say you can’t live without him, because you’ve got other people who love you. Joe loves you, I love you, your brother has some kind of tough love, but you can tell he loves you a lot, your mother loves you, even when she doesn’t say it all the time. So I hope you think of everything you’ve got, and you won’t be alone if you don’t have Pete. I like you to be with him, cause that makes you happy, but throwing your life away is not healthy. You can always come to me if you’re not okay, you get it?"

I do. Kind of. **Not the end of the world**. I know what Lisa’s trying to say, but I think no one understands that my world was nothing until Pete stepped in. I need him, nothing, nobody can top that, no one is going to be better, there’s nothing beyond Pete. Maybe someday I’ll change my mind, but today I’m in love with him and I want him back.

"Yes. But not today, Lisa, today my life depends on him."

She kisses my front (which is forbidden ‘cause we’ve got a 'professional relationship') and I close my eyes.

"You’ve got a life of your own, Patrick, don’t forget it. Don’t make it turn around Pete."

"What if his life turns around me?"

"That’s called obsession, Patrick, is not healthy for any of you. That’s why you are here. You got so deep that you forgot your own life, and maybe he did too. Your life depends on you, and his life depends on him, you’re a very important company to each other, but you can eventually life without the other one. If you don’t go back with him when you go out, rebuild your life, just like the first time, you know how to do it, I trust you." I lean and hug her.

"Lisa, my life was nothing without this obsession. I found someone worth living for, who thinks I’m worth living for. We forget about each other’s sickness when we’re together, we are finally healthy when we share those moments, I stopped needing artificial medical things when we started dating, I begun feeling better, without him I’m nothing."

"But look at you, Patrick. That incident was so hard it brought you here, you can get hurt, I don’t want you to get hurt. You didn’t break up that day, but the day you actually did, you begun needing those drugs to sedate you, you have to wake up from that and move on." I don’t want to say 'You sound like Kevin' because it is a little offensive, not making my brother’s name an insult, but she does.

"You think it’s okay that we broke?" she pulls away and looks into my eyes with seriousness.

"No, Patrick. Let’s be sincere, it’s your brother who thinks that way, because he’s got a direct problem with Pete. I don’t. I think you can stay with Pete as long as you change the perspective: He is important, but not everything, okay?" you never know when such a sweet woman is upset, I think she is, but I can't be sure "This is not about Pete himself, is about how you see someone else as the base, beginning and ending of your life. If you don’t go back together, then turn the page, walk away, move on, and begin again. You have done it before."

She’s talking about The Unnamable Guy in my life, she’s the only one who knows.

"I get it."

How much I fucking hate them to be right.

 


	51. Let’s be alone together.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Out of a… nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :)

For some reason, Doctor Debiak is in the visit with my brother. I’m not really complaining, their heads work, they know what they’re doing, most of time. For some reason, while we’re talking I lift my head and check the rest of the room. There’s Richard supporting that thin girl in the chat with her sister, and there are other guys chatting in the table next to ours; and in the one across, there’s Doctor Siegel, a good friend of Doctor Debiak, he’s got a patient next to him, and he looks just like…

"Pete…" I say emptily and stand up, Doctor and Kevin lift their heads and so does that guy. Oh my God, that’s him, that’s his beautiful smile, those are his gorgeous eyes, that’s him standing up, calling my name. We give couple steps towards each other and I see a very tragic realisation on his eyes when he stops all of a sudden. Then I get it too.

We’ve broken up.

We have fucking broken up. We’ve never talked ever since, not that I remember. We don’t know what to do now. He’s my ex, that’s the most painful true I’ve had to face. He looks just about to cry.

"How are you?" he asks in a weak voice.

"Well, drugged, I guess, not really… conscious, but okay… according to Doctor…"

"I see." he nods, and so I do.

I cannot believe it, I am not swallowing this. Is this really all that’s left from the best fucking relationship I’ve ever had in my life? Awkward silence? Nodding and looking to the ground, and nodding again? I don’t dare shaking his hand, either, because if I ever get to touch that skin again, I’m going to kiss him wildly, and that cannot happen. it’s not right, we’re not together and Kevin would kill me, besides, they’ll sedate me, and I’m sick of feeling drunk all the time.

"So, you’re here… as a patient, I guess?" I ask and feel the weight of everyone’s eyes on us.

"Well, yes, I am."

_Wrist cutting. What else can I do without Patrick? Getting caught by my co-workers with little bandages on my wrists and lying saying that it was a cat, knowing that no cat could cause such injuries. I’m depressed, I can’t lie, this is the state I’ve always been, but a million times harder, I’ve already forgotten what’s it like to be in 'happy' states and I only know sorrow. Doctor Siegel is worried, and he said something about talking to Doctor Debiak so I can see Patrick again while we’re here, but the current look in Kevin Stump’s eyes is telling me that if I even dare thinking about it, I’ll be gone for good._

_"I see" he says painfully. I want to scream 'I love you' from the top of my lungs, but I’m afraid that some overprotective brother will kill me. I don’t blame him, though, everyone in this room knows how wrecked I am and how much pain I’ve put Patrick through, I’m the public enemy, and I’m against myself as well. It seems the only one on my side right now is Patrick, but he shouldn’t be, so I have to stop this conversation and let him get over me as soon as possible, so he can be healthy again._

_"Then… I… I.. we were going now, and.. yeah, right. Doctor Siegel?" I beg him with my eyes to say yes, so he nods carefully._

_"Oh, okay, right, I… I get it… take care…"_

_I nod, and he nods, and that’s it. Where the fuck is my boyfriend?! Why isn’t this man standing in front of me MY boyfriend? Maybe it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have broken up with him, but if I ask him to be back, Kevin’s gonna kill me. Besides, I think he hates me, he hates me for what I’ve done. Think about how much Patrick hates me as Doctor Siegel and Nurse Williams take me to my room and away from Patrick. The look in his eyes; he won’t trust me anymore, I wouldn’t._

"How do you feel about this?" asks Kevin as if he was stepping on fire.

"Wow, I’m so amazing, you don’t know how relieved I am, it’s like… the happiest moment of my life, I feel extremely wonderful, joy can’t be contained inside my body… Have I told you I’m a big sarcasm lover, Doctor Debiak?"

"No, you hadn’t."

"Well, I am. How do you fucking think I feel?!" I turn back to my brother with poison in my words.

"Patrick, calm down…"

"No Lisa, I won’t. I had a good life before that. You’re my brother man, how could you do that to me...? Go back to your business, everyone!" I hate how everyone minds my business instead of theirs, this stupid room is way too public for what I need to say right now. "Can we go to your office, please, Doctor?"

We get to that place, and Lisa is holding a syringe in her hands, I would use it myself, right now, but she wouldn’t let me, so I’d give her my arm without a complain.

"I hate this." I say with resolution. "I hate and I’m not taking this. As soon as I’m out, and as soon as Pete’s out, I’m going back with him, and I give nothing on what any of you thinks about it, okay?

"Patrick…"

"I will, Kevin."

"Fine, but if he hurts you again, don’t forget I warned you."

"Well, I never made you girlfriend break up with you just because I didn’t like her!"

""Patrick, don’t compare that with me…"

"No, I won’t, cause you’re not a fucking crazy guy, but even when I am, I’m going to make my life what I want it to be, and you won’t stop me…"

I feel a little warm hand holding my arm and sit. Lisa takes the syringe out of my skin, and I close my eyes. Even when everyone thinks I’m crazy, and I’m sedated, I meant every single word. I’m going back with Pete, my life won’t be cut that way.

 


	52. Plot twist.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My life in my hands...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, and I'm on vacations! Finally I've got more time to write without feeling guilty of neglecting homework :D  
> Thanks for your patient waiting :)

Sharing activities with Pete but being unable of treating him like my boyfriend kills me. Introducing my ex to Gerard was really awkward, and some weird ambiguous comment from Pete let me know that it was okay if I wanted to be with Gerard instead. How can he think about it? I don’t, then, where he got the idea?

Either way, we’ve been hanging around like good friends, the three of us, and even if the relationship with Pete feels tense and broken, we all have a good time and encourage each other in their own treatments. Gerard finally began eating without complaining and he actually enjoys it. He knows a lot about healthy diet, so I wonder why he let alcohol control his life in the first place. He doesn’t know, either, and now he says it was stupid, and he wants to change. I’m happy for him, his life can change in a very positive way if he keeps going that way.

Pete has less maniatic episodes and says he regrets cutting his wrists. I wanted to kiss his scars to let him know that I’ll be there with him no matter what and I’ll heal his wounds, but I won’t. At least, not yet. Somehow, everything he does is for making clear we’ve broken up and it’s the best choice for my life, but he is bad at pretending he doesn’t want me back, and I know he dreams of me, just like I dream of him. I’m happy to have him close to me, and share this moments with him, even when we’re not together. Sometimes I forget that, and I feel really happy.

It’s monday, and I’ve thought about this a lot, like, I’ve dedicated every second of my life to this. Doctor says I’m fine, so it’s time to have my life back. I thought I could wait until I went out, but this cannot take any longer, so I gather my guts, and in a little meeting we have as the little crew we’ve formed, I decide I’ve gotten enough and I want my boyfriend back. I stand up in the middle of everyone and  look right into his eyes. It may look like I’m desperate, and I am, but I also am calm and I’ve calculated everything, so even if this looks like a last resource, it’s everything I’ve planned to fix this.

"Pete, listen, I’m dying, and I need to tell you this: You were in a relationship with me, not with my condition, and specially, not with my brother. I need you, let’s give a fuck on him, shall we? I cannot live without you, and you cannot be without me, and we both know that. Let’s give a fuck on what everyone says, I’m going to be stronger for you, to be able to share every single precious second with you, and I’m not going to let any of our conditions to ruin what we’ve got, because it is stronger than anything, and you and I are together to prove it, that’s how we met, that’s how it begun, and I wouldn’t change a thing, Pete, I don’t want to. Losing you is the worst thing ever happened to me, and I don’t want it to be permanent. Let’s go back together, please, yes?"

Before taking the last breath of air after that heart-spilling speech, I’ve got Pete’s lips on mine and his arms around my body so tight, I doubt we’re two separate people anymore. I kiss back as strong as I can, and the world around us doesn’t matter.

_I’m not letting this guy go ever again. Kevin convinced me it as the best to do, but fuck him, I can’t be without Patrick. I thought it was better to stay away, and I wasn’t sure if Patrick wanted me back after what I did, which was listening too much to his brother. But there he is, asking me to go back, to recover what we had, to live the life we had begun. I would be an idiot if I let this chance go, so I take it and do something I’ve been dying to do for weeks._

_"Is that a yes?" he asks with the cutest smile I’ve seen._

_"Plus a forever, in case your brother asks."_

_"I just said fuck him."_

_"Well, that’s my way to send the message." we kiss again and clouds are as comfortable as I remember. Cause we’re standing on clouds, aren’t we?_

I was waiting for someone to clear their throat, but I guess nobody dares to interrupt this. It can be that, or everyone’s so shocked they don’t know how to react. Someone begins clapping and we turn to see. It’s Nurse Yao, with a wide smile on her face.

"Well done, boy." she says proudly. I blush and Pete and I start laughing.

"I think we’re on the way of an actual rehab" said Doctor Debiak, looking beyond satisfied.


	53. And the “Told you” Award goes to…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to our lives...

I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, good boys don’t do that, but I can’t help but to look from behind the door what Doctor wants to tell my brother. I’ve never seen the results of any examination he’s made since I came in, I never cared. So he begins reading, and it seems the most satisfying results one can get given my situation. Doctor is a crack, because he hasn’t told Kevin I’m back with Pete. I never thought a psychiatric doctor would be such an amazing guy, but Doctor Debiak’s the proof and I’ll always be thankful for what he’s done, like ACTUALLY thankful with him. He’s the first doctor I really like and I don’t feel like punching on the face.

I have to bite my tongue so I don’t laugh at how naive my brother is. I also feel like a little kid that’s hiding a present from his mother, the thing here is that I don’t think Kevin will take this as a present. He’ll be shocked, for sure.

Now Doctor Debiak is talking about the importance of having special people around while being in rehab. This guy’s awesome, my brother’s just nodding as he understood everything and agreed with whatever Doctor says. Now there’s my name on the topic, and Kevin begins frowning. Now there’s Pete’s name on the conversation and I’d have paid to have someone recording Kevin’s face.

"No way…"

"Yes, it is possible, Kevin. See, when we taught them to see their relationship different from a total dependence and obsession, they changed it and begun to enjoy their company, and accepting not being around each other. So that made them work normally and everything went up and better from that moment."

And now, the silence. He wants to refuse, but the authority here is Doctor’s and now he thinks everyone’s gone crazy, I know he’s got this little inner fight where he knows the Doctor’s right, ‘cause he’s studied, but he doesn’t want Pete to be a part of the solution, so he doesn’t want to believe it. Then he nods! Ha! he’s nodding! Okay, Patrick, don’t laugh, don’t make a sound. Doctor knows I’m there, so he gestures to make me go away, and I walk towards Pete, as planned (can you believe that Doctor planned this meeting? He’s insane!) They open the door and meet us in that aisle hugging, I smile playfully and my brother shakes his head.

"I just can’t stop this, can I?"

"Nope" I feel like a child here, and it’s really funny.

_Even when you’d think Kevin starts to accept this, his eyes will always show how much he wants to kill me. I’ll live with it, because I got Patrick, plus, a professional approves our relationship, so we know there’s no problem with it._

_"I was telling Kevin, that since you’re both really okay, I think it’s time for you to go back home."_

_"Really?" Patrick smiles wide and his eyes shine. I just love to see him that way, then he giggles. We’re free to go, it makes me really happy._

I get my things ready with the help of Nurse Yao.

"I hope next time we meet it’s not in this situation" she says nostalgic.

"Me too. I’m gonna miss you, you don’t have a lot of free time, so… it’ll be a little hard." she hugs me and walks me to the exit, where Pete, Doctor, my brother and… Gerard are waiting.

"Hey, heard you’re leaving" says Gerard as I get closer.

"I am, got things done here, you know? What about you?"

"Still got way to go, but I’ll be out in no time."

"I hope you do. You dry already, aren’t you?"

"Uh… kind of…"

"You should be by now, you know? Or else you’ll stay here for other two months…"

"What?" He drops his cocky smile and I laugh as I walk through the door waving my hand at him and being held by my beautiful boyfriend by the waist. I’ll never forget his face, so terrified ‘cause of my sentence, like a little kid whose toy is taken away, or something like that, you’ll have to see it to know what I’m talking about.

I wanted to have lunch with mom, but she was too busy, maybe some other day. I just enjoy freedom so much, and this time, I got Pete’s arms waiting on the other end of that ‘door’, I went out with a boyfriend, I’ll have a First Day of Freedom _with someone._ You shouldn’t compare things, as my first grade teacher always told me, but I just can’t erase last time from my head. And this time, is a million years away from that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I haven't forgotten about this fic, but I was working a little harder on another one, you can check in my profile if you want (It's called 'Andy') ;)


	54. Not my fault this time…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warned soldier… dies warned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... as a previous chapter on this fic, this one was a little weird and hard to write, since I don't feel really good at this, either way, it was one of the funniest things I've written, and I like what comes afterwards. So, hope it's not that bad :P

_"Joe? Hey, what’s up? See, Peter’s staying the night, so… well you know. Okay, bye."_

_We’re just out. I’m so happy we could have it good at the end. I’m working on getting Kevin’s trust, I think he’ll like me at the end, he witnessed himself my effects on Patrick’s health. As he calls his brother to tell him, I pet his thigh, he smiles and kisses me when he hangs. I want to ask him something, but I’m not sure, I’m kinda nervous. He just kisses and hugs me, he’s already got his hands under my shirt and I’m kinda lost for the first time, I feel shy with him which is weird, but I just got to tell him._

_"Maybe we should put a sign on the door, just in case" He says with a naughty smile. Then writes “Do NOT Disturb” and puts it on the door. Then he comes back and kisses me desperately. I stop to breathe. "Sorry honey, withdrawal" we laugh and resume the kisses._

_"Honey, I wanted to ask you something."_

_"Tell me."_

_"What if… we change positions this time?"_

_He stays quiet and looks away. I didn’t know how he’d react to that, so I just bite my lip waiting for his answer._

"Are you sure?" it is obvious I don’t know how to do it.

"Yeah, I mean, I’d like you to…"

"Well, I don’t know Pete…"

"Come on, I guide you, okay?" he bites his lip, and I mimic it, my breathing’s heavy. I never thought he’d ask that, but somehow I’d like to try.

"Okay" I say even more nervous that what I show.

_Then we begin. I knew it hurts, but not that much. Anyway, Patrick’s gentle. So soft, so smooth, so strong, but careful. I sink in the mattress under the weight of his hot body, unable to breath. He presses my arms against my body, he just grabs me strongly, passionately, slowly. How it feels amazing, like slow motion, every second of his hands holding me tight become eternal. His body is not a single inch far from mine, and he kisses my neck with all his might. I thought I’d have to make a big effort to not being loud or screaming his name, but I just can’t breathe. The only thing I know is that Patrick’s fingers are about to sink in my skin and I can’t breathe._

I wasn’t quite sure of this, but Pete had just a great idea. I’m still a little terrified, since it’s the first time I do this, but it’s great. I feel Pete’s ribcage trying to expand, to get some air. I grab his hips and he tries to moan, but no sound comes out of his mouth, which is pretty convenient, since it’s too early for this and we’re at my building. I put my hands on his shoulders and make them go slowly down his back. I love him, I just love this. I kiss his shoulder, and hold his hands the way he holds mine. His eyes are shut and I just love the sight. His mouth his open, fighting to breathe. He bites his lips, but can’t hold that for long.

For some strange reason I don’t understand quite yet, I hear some noises outside. I keep going with my thing, since Pete isn’t aware of it. The noises grow a little stronger and I fear we have to stop, but Pete doesn’t seem to notice, so I decide to keep going, I kiss his face, close to his ear, press my lips on it a little so he won’t hear a thing. There’s a sign on the door, anyway.

Whoever is in this apartment, just can’t read, cause I hear the knob turn slowly. However, I don’t want this to stop, so I cover Pete’s ear with my hand, and thought he is facing the door, his eyes are still closed, so he doesn’t see my very, very stupid brother opening his eyes like plates and making an actually very funny face. I am mad at him, in spite of how funny he looks right now, trying not to puke and unable to speak. I kill him with my eyes and put a finger on my lips. He just can blink, he’s paler than a piece of paper. I realize I’m missing precious glimpses of my darling reaching ecstasy, and I’m missing my own. “Get the fuck outta here” I gesture with my hand and a very furious expression in my face. He gathers the guts and walks out slowly, closes the door without a sound, and hopefully, will leave the apartment.

I go back to Pete, trying to moan, scratching the mattress, taking -I imagine- painful breaths. I hear his voice a little, softened by the mattress and the effort of making it come out. I press my face against his back and hug him incredibly tight when we have an  orgasm. I thrust a little more after that, he grabs the pillow with one hand and keeps on scratching the mattress with the other one.

Finally, I stop and lay next to him. He turns his face to see me and smiles weakly. It seems his lungs are working again. He lies on his back and doesn’t talk for a while, just looks at me with his gorgeous brown eyes and makes his chest go up and down heavily, and slowly.

_"You’re so wonderful" I say when I feel strong enough to. "Thank you, baby, thank you."_

_"For what?" Says my little angel with a half smile. I hug him softly, since my arms feel made of jelly, and kiss his front._

_"For the best first time I could ever get."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yep, it’s my first time like this, and you made it beyond amazing. I imagined it would be frenzy, like yours, but this… literally left me breathless." he giggles and blushes. His hair is soaked by the sweat and he looks gorgeous._

_I kiss his lips over and over._

Then he turns his face to the ceiling and smiles, his breath is getting easier. I simply never imagined causing this to him, I don’t know whether to feel happy or sad for it; it looks painful breathing that way, but he looks so calm, I think it’s a good thing. He falls asleep almost immediately. I’d love to stay and cuddle with him, but I just need to check if stupid Kevin’s still outside. So I stand up slowly and open the door a little and silently. He’s there, sitting to the table with his head on his hands. Poor thing, I almost feel sorry for him.

I think about taking a shower and dressing up, but I want to go back to bed soon as I kick Kevin outta here, so I just put my pants on: no socks, no shirt. For some reason I want to torture his head a little, to see if he’ll read next time. I fix my hair, though, I dry it and comb it. Pete sleeps deeply, he must be super tired. I don’t want to wake him up, so I just write a little note and leave it on the pillow, just in case he wakes up before I’m back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idiom at the summary is modified from "Warned soldier won't die in the war" -or something like that, it's in Spanish, I don't know the accurate version for that in English :P- it's the way we answered during elementary school, I think it really suits this chapter :P


	55. I told you…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...You just wouldn’t listen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, how you've been? Enjoying the last day of the year?  
> I am, family meetings and stuff :P  
> Hope you like this one, if you picture it, honestly is a very funny scene XD I loved it.  
> Thanks for being with me all this time (almost a year, if I'm not wrong :O) in my entrance to the world of fan-fiction :) I really appreciate it :3

I come out of the bedroom slowly and lean against the door putting my eyes on my recently traumatized brother. He’s got a glass of water, but for obvious reasons, hasn’t drank any.

"So, sneaking into my apartment" I say trying to sound angry as I am, but also hiding the laugher I need to release because he looks like had just seen a ghost. He doesn’t speak, so I continue."I thought I told you Pete was staying the night, so… why are you here?"

"I don’t… know. I guess, I don’t know."

"Then you just wanted to find something like that?"

"What? No! Let me clear my head, God, still got that picture in my head."

"Well, I gave you enough time, right?" listen: **“I wasn’t going to stop because you are here, and wouldn’t cut faster to come and talk to you”**

"Not even in a lifetime…"

"Yeah, but, there’s a sign on the door" I say pointing at the 'Do NOT Disturb', "I thought it was easy to understand…"  **Maybe I should’ve written everything in capitals...**

"Well, I never thought I’d find that, I thought you were just kissing or something… less…" I finally laugh, I’ve got to. He kills me with his eyes as I walk to the kitchen and get a glass of water. I’m so, so thirsty.

"Well, you’re here, why?"

"I came to tell you that last minute they told me I’ll travel the day after tomorrow."

"You could’ve called."

"Would you have answered?" **Sorry, I just gotta play with your head**  I don’t know where I got so much cruelty for him, maybe from the rehab thing.

"If I was over Pete, no." He makes a face and turns his head. He’s so funny. "but maybe later I could’ve called you back." he remains silent for a while, then hesitantly says with a frown

"Is this the first time you…?"

"Be more specific, maybe I’ll tell you something you don’t want to hear."

"You have… slept with him before…"

"Yes, I have." **Any details?**

"See, I never thought you’d end up, like, doing that, you know?"

"Well, me either, if I’m totally sincere. Things change, huh?"

"But, I fear he looked for you..."

"Only for that? Not a chance. It’s not like we slept the first time we saw each other, we took our time, you know?"

"Right. So, sorry for that, for, like, everything. I’ll be going now. Ah, yeah, mom wants you to come and have dinner with us tomorrow, and… bring Pete."

"Okay, we’ll be there."


	56. Wake up to...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A note on the pillow...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is no filling chapter, it's just that it would turn out to be really long if I put the rest here, and I haven't finished writing that part :P  
> Enjoy :D

_The temperature on the bed has dropped, and it makes me wake up. Patrick’s not here, but he left a little note on the pillow._

‘Hello, my darling. Kevin’s here.’

_Seriously? I thought is was clear that I was staying here, why did he come? I hear Patrick’s voice outside. He’s laughing, but I don’t hear another voice. I turn to face the door, waiting for him to come back, but I just stay in the silence of the room. The front door closes and I know he’s coming back._

_He comes into the room and looks really sexy without his shirt and a glass of water in his hand._

_"Hello sweetheart, I thought you needed some water" he says and blinks. I laugh and take the glass from his hand._

_"Thank you, baby." I start drinking and he sits next to me "so, Kevin was here…"_

_"Yeah, he was_ here." _I freeze._

_"Like… HERE?"_

_"Yep, apparently, he forgot how to read" he says and laughs but I’m stunned._

_"Then he saw…?"_

_"His fault, there was a very clear sign on the door, wasn’t it? Haha, you look so cute when you blush."_

_"But he saw us… I… I…"_

_"Good thing we changed positions, huh? I wouldn’t imagine if you had your eyes open in that moment; it was great he didn’t interrupt."_

_I’m shocked, jeez! He can kill me now, I can’t see his face again, he’s going to kill me. 'How dare you sleeping with my baby brother?!' and then the blood all around. Shit…_

_"Pete! Take it easy, it’s no big deal… okay, it is, but you don’t have to worry about it, it’s not your fault."_

_"Well, I’ll try to… man, this is so… I can’t look into his eyes ever again…"_

_"Yeah, about that…"_

_"I have to, right?"_

_"Mom asked us to go having dinner with them tomorrow."_

_"Jeez! Your mother was here?!"_

_"No, Pete, calm down. He brought the message."_

_"God, watch your word selection next time, I nearly died…"_

_"Sorry sweetheart." he answers with a smile._

_Then he gets under the sheets with me and we kiss._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are highly appreciated.


	57. Write it again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erase and count again...

"Don’t try too hard, my darling, you look good."

"Well, yeah, but… it’s your family, I don’t have the best relationship with them."

"Easy darling, they know you already, you don’t have to pretend anything, besides it’s a family meeting, nothing formal." I get closer and take the tie off. It’s _too much_.

"Hey! I worked hard on getting that."

"And by 'worked hard' you mean you just took this from my closet, and it’s one of the ones that was already done, so you didn’t have to do it?"

He frowns, but I know he’s actually containing a smile.

"You know, if we didn’t have to go out, I’d get you out of those clothes and put you into bed…"

"Don’t make me have those thoughts, we have to see _your family_."

"Haha, and you keep saying it as if it was, I don’t know, like The World's Controllers or something."

"They are your family, and you, sir, are _my world_."

I cannot reply to that, but just smile shyly with my face turned to the ground but my eyes set on him. We giggle and he hugs me. We’re so getting into bed when we’re back tonight...

"I wanna ask you something." he says very serious.

"Tell me." I reply mimicking his tune and looking into his eyes.

"I know here you got to pay the rent, and you know my house is a family heritage, so I don’t have to, so... do you want to come with me and live in my house, like, forever?" I smile like an idiot, as I usually do when it comes to Pete’s company. I wanna believe that my head’s nodding, but I know me, so I know that I’m just moving it like nonsense, finally, my brain and my mouth reconnect, and I can say:

"Yes, of course, yes."

"Though, it didn’t come out as romantic as I expected it to…"

"Oh, come on, it was great, I don’t think here’s a better way to ask that."

"I think there is, just I couldn’t come up with it…"

"Well, your 'cheesy' version of it was perfect. I love you."

"I love you too."

***********************************************

"Hi, mom." I say as I hug her in front of her door. Pete got me hanging outside like five minutes before he let me ring the bell. He’s way more nervous than what I imagined, and nothing I’ve said to try to make him calm down has done the thing, so I don’t know how he’s gonna survive the whole dinner.

"Hello, Ms. Vaughn."

"Hi, Pete, welcome."

We sit at the table and talk until Kevin shows up. When he does, we begin eating and the acquaintances we haven’t done correctly.

Pete has a real hard time telling them what he does and where he lives, I try to encourage him to talk and make things looser, but you could cut the tension in the air only with a chainsaw.

"And you went to visit them yesterday, right, Kevin?" says mom in a tune that tries to sound natural, but everyone’s still a little tense. However, that could have been the least innocent question given our particular situation, and it triggers blushing on both Kevin and Pete, and laughter in me, I don’t know why, maybe nervous laughter?

"Yes, I did." he says as if he was chewing broken glass, it makes me a little more hysterical, but I have to contain it. The thing is that I gotthe image of his stupid face stuck in my head, so hilarious...- it seems their relationship is really... serious." Pete eats in silence and surreptitiously turns his eyes to look at me. I look at him as he questions the smile on my face. I just can’t help it, this situation is ridiculous. I decide to speak when my mother smiles at me with a 'Really?' drawn in her face.

"Yes. Actually, we’re planning on moving together, to his place."

"Wow, that’s cool, congratulations."

"Thanks, mom."

_The best thing to describe the whole meeting is ‘awkward silence’, luckily, nobody was really keen to continue this parody of congeniality, so a cup of coffee or a glass of wine after dinner just to talk is totally out of question. So we leave early and as soon as we get in Patrick’s car and his mother closes the front door of her house, I breathe and feel all the pressure leaving my shoulders._

_Patrick presses his head against the steering wheel and laughs hysterically._

_"That was horrible" I state really matter-of-factly, he just turns to see me and laughs even harder._

_"That was the most awkward situation I’ve ever lived."_

_This is his first time introducing a boyfriend to his family. And it’s my first time being introduced to a family which hates me ‘cause I almost made their son die. At least, in other times, they hated me_ after _knowing who I am, not before. Now I can picture them talking to every other family member while showing them my photo: “This is Pete, it’s the guy_ _who almost made Patrick kill and put himself in the Clinic for his entire life. He prefers to call him ‘boyfriend’, though”. And then, if I ever get to see them, they’re gonna have that reference, smile hypocritically because they don’t wanna hurt Patrick’s feeling and then gossiping between them “Wow, that guy’s gonna be the death of our dear relative.”_

_"Why that frown, baby?" he asks with a puting and puts his hand on my face._

_"They’re never gonna like me."_

_"Don’t mind, there’s a lot of things they don’t like about me, and hey still love. They’ll have to deal with you, ‘cause I’m not leaving you ever again because of them."_

_"Wow… it sounds a little like you’re against your family, and I’m a problem…"_

_"Not for me, that’s what matters, isn’t it?"_

_"I guess, it is." he puts his head on my shoulder during a red light stop._

_"Don’t worry your head with that baby, I love you, I want you with me no matter what."_

_He resumes the driving and I’m really impressed at how calmed I am. A situation like this would make me psycho or something, but I’m reacting like a normal person would do. I just nod and smile. When we arrive at Patrick’s he turns the car off and kisses me._

_"You better now?"_

_"Yes, thanks."_

_"Then let’s go upstairs, I planned something before going out" he blinks with a kinky smile. I suddenly forget about all the distress and my temperature rises. I hug him and kiss him almost violently. He just laughs. He knows how to make things better._

 


	58. Things will go… I don’t know how...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There will be changes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Look who decided to come back!  
> Nah, seriously, I had a major creative block with this chapter, luckily, I wrote the one that came next, so I could finish this one, to link them. This was also one of the first scenes I had in mind when I began writing this and it was simply hilarious-or at least it is in my mind-  
> I'm sorry this took soooo long, but everytime I sat in front of that doc, my head was a blank silly box, and finally something came out.  
> Hope you like it and it was worth the wait.  
> Love you for sticking so far <3

"Okay, I have to pick the things I want to take there" I wanted to do this planning with Pete, but he’s got to work extra time, so I got Joe in my apartment for help, "and select what I’ll sell or throw. I’d sell the bed..."

"Well, I’d burn that mattress if I were you…"

"Hahaha, you’re so silly. Okay, I’ll put ‘Destroying mattress’ on the checklist. Uhmm… maybe I’ll bring the night table, and the computer desk… what? what’s so funny?" Joe’s got a really idiotic smile on his face, I’d like to know what’s going on, maybe the mattress thing is funnier than I thought?

"Well, I’ve never seen you so excited about doing something, and you look so full of life and enthusiastic, I like seeing you happy. I’m really proud of you."

"Oh… thanks" this has to be the very first time Joe can mean that ‘I’m proud of you’ without running the risk of having to take his words back a week later.

"Like, seriously. You’ve fixed your life at such a level I don’t think you’ll ever be sick again. I don’t think I’ll have to worry about taking you to the hospital, or seeing you taking medication, or taking you to a rehab clinic ever again. I think you’ve actually done it. I’m happy, ‘cause I feel you’ve done it, now you’re on the other side and I’ll have you with me more time. I’m glad none of us lost you." I cry. He’s right. I can talk about health now, without a hint of doubt. After all this time, I’m okay, and I can promise it. He hugs me and we both smile.

"Thanks man, I’m happy too."

"So…" he says as he pulls away and wipes couple tears "I think you’ll have to burn your sheets as well…"

"Hey! I can take them too, we may need them later."

I wanted to pick Pete up from the restaurant and then to the drugstore, he needs to get his medicine, which has been reduced, to the doctor’s surprise. Last time, he said that Pete has a great chance of living without it, considering his progress so far. It makes me really happy, because we both got to do things they never thought we would, thanks to each other. It kinda sounds like last resource, but I don’t care, we wouldn’t be telling the story if we hadn’t found the other one.

However, he told me it’ll be ok, he could do it on his own, so we’d meet at his place. I can use the car to take my stuff there. This makes me nervous and excited at the same time. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before. Never. I don’t know how to do this, sure Pete doesn’t either, but I feel kinda weird. Maybe I’m overreacting, maybe it’s all in my mind, I just got to remember that Pete and I are simply weird and it sort of comforts me. By the time I get home -’cause now I can call it home, right?- Pete is also getting there.

_"How was your day?" he says when we meet in front of my house. To be totally honest, I’m dying, I hate extra hours, but the idea that Patrick would be there at the end of the day kept me going._

_"Well, typical day where people order food they won’t eat, and then I get reprimanded for it as if it was MY fault. Average, but ok, what can I say? Everyone’s had a shitty boss right?"_

_"Yeah, that’s true. But it’s all over now." he smiles and I’m glad such a hard day ended up like this. Seriously, I don’t like working on Saturdays, and especially now, spending a Saturday away from Patrick hurts, so I’m happy to see him again._

_"Yep, that’s great. How was yours? You missed me?"_

_"Like you don’t know. I got to arrange almost everything now, thanks to Joe."_

_"Awesome. Hey, you’re kinda late, for what I expected, I thought I was gonna find you inside, what happened?"_

_"Oh, well, it took me quite long to organize things, and then there was an accident on the road, nothing bad, no one got hurt, but it did cause a big traffic jam."_

_"I see. So, want help to get the stuff inside?"_

_"Aw, please and thank you baby." I kiss him quickly and he gets to open the back door to gather his things. Seriously I miss him, what can I say? I’m weak perhaps, so I just stand behind him and carefully push him inside._

"Pete!" I yell when I fall inside the car and then I turn to see him. He’s giggling and starts crawling inside. It’s a little uncomfortable, so I try to get into a sitting position, apparently, that’s not what he was aiming for, and I end up with my back against the seat.

"You look so pretty when you don’t know what’s going on" he says smiling half sweet-half kinky.

"Come on, Pete, get serious" I say containing my laughter.

"I am! if you could only see you, you’d notice you’re blushing and that makes you look cute, and the way I see it" he starts to lean closer "really hot as well."

I can’t answer, I already got his lips on mine, and his hands on my hips, my head unplugs the rational part and just follows the kiss, ‘cause nothing matters, right? We’re together, we’ve been through shit, and today was a sort of stressful day for both of us, so we can chill and enjoy life a little. Well, yeah, maybe the back seat is not the most comfortable place on Earth for this, but I can stay here for a while. Other thing that we’re reminded of, is that the street in front of the house is, well, public space, so people can see what’s happening.

"Mr. Wentz?" asks a female voice from outside the car, from the side of the window where my head happens to be. Pete’s not an idiot, so he doesn’t stop the kiss to answer, or maybe he’s just not listening. The thing is that the old lady seems to be pretty interested on Pete’s sexual behaviour, and knocks at the window. "Mr. Wentz, you could just take that girl inside the house" with that, Pete lifts his head and pulls away from me a little more, he seems annoyed, but then the lady says something that triggers a smile on his beautiful face. "it’s, is that, a man?" I don’t know if she’s disgusted, or shocked, or a mix of all of above plus a little of confusion, but it sounds so funny, I don’t even feel a little embarrassed that she found us like this, I mimic Pete and smile, this is actually pretty amusing.

"Mrs. Johnson, you’d better go, unless you want to see what’s coming next" he says as he slides his hand under my shirt. I laugh freely and watch as the old lady walks away as if she had just seen a ghost, scared as shit and mumbling something that sounds like 'Oh, my God, where has this world gone?!'.

"What a nosy lady" I say with amusement.

"Yeah, the lovely neighbor everyone’s gotta have."

"What do we got? I mean, like, are we supposed to be seen by everyone, can’t we just have a little privacy?"

"You know, it’s a public place, she was right to an extent, we should go inside."

"Well, I was going to, but you decided it was a good idea to do this. You’re such a bad man, what have you done to me? I never thought I’d end up flashing old ladies." he laughs and kisses my forehead.

"You can’t deny you liked it..."

"Of course I did, I love kissing you, but this is a little uncomfortable, you know? we need to get this stuff outta here."

We get down to business and when everything’s inside, he locks the door behind him and walks towards the sofa. He sits next to me and holds me in his arms. He takes a deep breath and kisses my head.

"Welcome home, dear."

"Thank you baby. I love you."

"Me too. Wanna have something for dinner?"

"Uhm, maybe" I’ve been a little stressed, yesterday they told me something that keeps my head spinning and I’m not sure how I’ll tell Pete yet, I will, of course, but not quite yet, mostly because it's still nothing but a rumor, that’s why I don’t feel like eating now. He stares at me with a weird look in his eyes, I kinda know what he’s thinking, so I change my word choice. "I’m okay with it, you know, I’m mostly tired, but I could use some food now."

"Okay." His smile says something like **“That’s better”**. And maybe it is, but I can’t help but to feel stressed, hopefully things will go better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, in different news, I came out with another weird idea (Gloriette, you? No way! :P) and I'd like you to check it out, and maybe be a part of it ;)  
> See it here and let me know what you think :)  
> (http://archiveofourown.org/series/272271)


	59. Possible impossibillities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you don't know what's going on...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my beloved readers!  
> I know, wasn't it for "B.W. meet B. W.", this would bthe winner of "Gloriette's Most Abandoned Fic" Award. But I got a reason for it :P (I don't know if it's good though :P)  
> I've been busier than ever this period of time (like seiously, my teachers are psychos who think we don't have lives outside their classrooms), secondly, there's something about the writing of this very specific chapter.  
> Beyond a normal creative block that we've all gone through and beats me like a bitch whenever I sit in front of this fic's document (seriously, it gets really hard to write all the in between of what I've already written that's like... ages from what you're about to read), I had a really tough experience with the initial version of this chapter. I had my little notepad somewhere else (a PDF doc that allowed me to create little notes), and I was extremely happy because it was wonderful. Since I am pretty distracted and -why not?- stupid :P I clicked 'Delete' instead of 'Save', and all the hard work went to...  
> So I cried a little about my marvelous chapter and tried to recreate it as best as I could, but most of it was lost, as I write pretty mindlessly and spontaneously, I had forgotten the course of action and my marvelous, wonderful, beautiful perfect dialogues. That's why this took so long to write, honestly I tried my best to recreate it, but when I accepted it wouldn't just magically come back to my mind, I decided to go with the flow and write a new version. And I've just finished it, literally just finished writing this thing.  
> Sooo, hope the wait was worth it, and next chapter is easier in my mind; not sure of when I'll be able to upload it, but I hope it won't take so long as this one.  
> Thanks for reading so far and getting acquainted with this fic's unnecesary 'Behind the Scenes', love ya for that ;)  
> And finally, my Suitehearts: le Chapter :P

It's around 10:30 pm, but I'm not sleeping, neither is Pete. I'd like the reasons for that to be different, but we're far from having fun. He's standing in the bathroom next to me, and I'm sitting on a small chair in front of the toilet throwing up even my bad thoughts.

However, this has to be the first time in years that this happens for medical reasons, not voluntarily. Food poisoning, I guess, or stress, or both, the reason being any of above, I feel sick in body but not mind, I don't want this to be happening and the cause of this escapes my will.

When I'm finally able to sit straight, I rest my head in Pete's waist. He's about to say something, but the heaves return and I'm bending over myself again.

"You know, it's an advantage that you use short hair." he says to try and soften the mood, but I can tell he's worried.

This is also the first time I'm in this situation with the support and care of someone who loves me. You'd think it's supposed to be like that, but I'm still amazed that Pete's still with me in this horrible -and why not- disgusting state. He hugs me, he pets my hair, he kisses my shoulders and hands me water whenever I need it.

Now that I feel so weak and drowning in pain, I cannot understand why I did this on a regular basis, HOW did I manage it? My body should have taken revenge for being induced into this torture so often. I wouldn't wish this on my enemies, I'm not such a bad person. Now, come to think of it, maybe someone wished it on me.

I'm evaluating the theories for this sickness. Maybe it IS stress. Let me wrap up: It’s been a month since I moved in with Pete and we’ve been adjusting to the new routine. I have to wake up much earlier because his house is further to my workplace than the apartment, but that’s not what bothers me because I used to do that for my internship. What makes me worry so much, is that the rumors I heard last month of the bosses planning a cut in the magazine and some people probably getting fired because of that has just been confirmed to be truth. Nobody's name's been said, but I have my guesses. Honestly, I don't think I'm the strongest element there and you could cut me without remorses. I can't think of anyone else. Luckily, it's Friday and I have the whole weekend to sort things out, maybe look for a job, or simply calm down.

I rest my head on Pete's waist again and feel him giggle. I have to be prepared to whatever silly thing he'd say, because he's an expert in saying stupid thing to make me laugh when I'm down. He sighs and I wait for the comment.

"Honey, is there something you haven't told me?" asks Pete in a very serious way, in spite of the giggle and taking back what I though about the joke. I don't want to worry him about the job thing yet, but until it's solved. Either way, his tune makes me consider it and I think that being honest now is the best, so he'll be prepared as well and... "are you pregnant?"

I can't stop laughing, even when my body feels like it's been crashed by a car. I expected lots of things, but not that.

"Pete, seriously..."

"I'm serious!" he replies without the slightest hint of it in his voice.

"But, how could I be, huh?"

"Uh... I don't know, but it looks like it..."

"Come on. Besides, can't you also get pregnant?"

"Well, maybe, but you're more likely to be. Now I have to check your waist to see if anything changes in the next months."

He keeps turning around the same stupid joke, and makes me feel more relaxed, it still hurts, but I can handle it better.

"Now that you say it, have you ever thought of being father?" no, we've never talked about it, not that I remember. He remains silent for a while and then answers.

"No, never, I never felt that instinct."

"Well, bad luck for this creature, then." he giggles.

"Hey, come on, you wouldn't think I'd reject a baby you gave me, right?"

"No."

"Come to think of it, I’d be the coolest dad ever." he says. I turn to look at him and he’s looking up as if he was daydreaming. He looks beautiful. I just don’t wanna think about how I look. I have seen myself in these states and it’s simply horrifying, I get even more pale than usual (I don’t know how that’s possible, but it is somehow) and the rings around my eyes go darker. It kind of gave out I was going through a rough time, but I alleged excess of homework, or stress from job and they left me alone.

"I bet you would." I answer and he smiles.

"You alright now?" he says, changing the tune from joking to sweet concern. I take a deep breath and remain silent for a second. It’s been so long since I last puked from sickness rather than from losing weight that I don’t know how to recognize if I’m fine or not. Then I decide I’m feeling much better than when all of this begun. I’m a little dizzy, yeah, but I don’t feel like I might die any given second. Also, my body feel a little less hurt as time passes.

"Yes, I’m better now, thanks."

"Okay, I’ll let you brush your teeth and we’ll go back to bed, okay?" he says as he strokes my hair.

"Alright." I say with a weak smile and he strays a little. Honestly, you have to be really dumb to think he’d leave me alone, he’s standing against the doorframe with his eyes set on me, and waits until I’m done with brushing my teeth.

I lift my head and look in the mirror, there’s zombie Patrick looking back at me, but this time, he is fine. He doesn’t feel like puking will get him anywhere. He doesn’t feel like he _needs_ to puke to be okay. He’s got the most handsome man by his side, and honestly, he’s happy with his life. “You have changed big time, haven’t you?” I ask him and smile. Everyone has helped me getting where I am today, even when it seems I hate my brother and give all credit to Pete, I’m honestly thankful with everyone around me, because I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. Off course I still grudge my bullies, but hadn’t they done what they did, I wouldn’t have been able to understand Pete and be there for him the way he needs it. So even if those events of my life where horrible and painful, I see their meaning now, and I’m happy because they made me as wise as I need to be today. I turn around and smile at Pete. He smiles back and offers me his hand. We walk together to be bed and he kisses my forehead when we’re under the blankets.

"I love you." he whispers sweetly and I hide my head in his chest.

"I love you too." I answer and let slumber fall over me. And we sleep, until the room grows brighter, and for some reason, there’s a weird sound at the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *-"OMG, Gloriette, you take so fugking long and you write so fucking little?!"  
> -Uhm... yes, sorry. If I'm totally honest, this stuff looks like a thousand pages in my Drive doc, but when I paste it here, AO3 is like "LOL, there you go, one parragraph" :P Plus, it takes a lot of effort writing so little, you know? :v
> 
> **I was just thinking, if I ever opened a facebook page for my fics, would you like it and stuff?  
> I feel like sharing stuff, but if I won't get any audience, then why bother?  
> Also it would be better, so you don't have to read such long notes. Frankly, notes seem longer that the chapter itself XD  
> Honestly, you should comment on this one, pls nd thnks (fr th mmrs :v hahahaha -so fuckin' lame...- -I don't have a fuckin' life :B -) :P


	60. Last name’s issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they're supposed to love you, but they just don't...
> 
> (The title didn't come up as catchy as I though, if you can give me a new one, I'll send you a virtual hug :P)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So!! Welcome to the end of eras!! Nah kidding :P  
> Welcome to CHAPTER 60!!! Did you miss me? 'Cuz I've missed you :P  
> OMG! Who would have thought this thing would be so long, and would take so long to update? :v  
> So, I hope you don't hate for abandoning this, but you know, sometimes that hideous life outside the computer absorbs us :P  
> Again, I'm really tired, so forgive any spelling mistakes you'll find :P  
> Thank you for staying tuned and being patient, I really hope you like this one, things will get interesting :B

"What the heck?" he speaks my mind up and grabs his pants. He puts them on lazily and then stands up. I stay still because I’m too tired to do anything else, but when I see the look on his face as he opens the door I sit slowly.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" is the last thing he says before closing the door behind him and the anger in his voice worries me.

_He looks at me with surprise, maybe that wasn’t the greeting he expected after all these years._

_"Well, you’re my son, I came to say ‘Hello’."_

_"Oh, now I’m your son, and that folder in your hands is a mere coincidence, isn’t it?"_

_He sighs and sits on the chair next to the door. I cross my arms and lean against the bedroom door. He looks back at me and rubs his chin._

_"Well, yeah, I didn’t just come to greet you."_

_"No. You came to do something else and just happened to greet me. What is that?"_

_"I’ve heard you’re living here with… someone else."_

_"So what?" I’m not sure of what is going on, but if it has something to do with Patrick I’m gonna kick this man out right the way he came._

_"Well, Pete, I thought we had made the agreement that you wouldn’t bring anyone to the house, it was the condition…"_

_"Fuck your condition! As a family you turned your back at me, I tried to bring someone who loves me and who’ll be there for me. How did you get the news anyway?"_

_"Mrs. Johnson called me yesterday."_

_"That gossiping bitch…"_

_"Pete…"_

_"Well, what? She is one! Why should she be calling someone who hasn’t lived here for years just to tell him about my personal life?"_

_"See, Pete, I wouldn’t have come here if the situation was different."_

_"Different how?"_

_"You’re living here.. with…. with a man" the disgust that leaks on his words makes my blood boil._

_"Really?! That’s your fucking problem?!" I scream at him "I told you I’m gay when I was like 15, dad, can’t you fucking get over it now?"_

_"Well, what do you want me to do?! The whole neighborhood knows I got a gay son who lives with another man, and who knows what you do here! Do you know how bad that looks for me?!"_

_"FOR YOU?! Your fucking reputation is on danger because of that?! Don’t make me laugh, old man, do you know what was bad for your image? Abandoning your son when he needed you the most. You’re the man who abandoned his sick son, I think my sexuality is the smallest of the stains on your public image."_

_He remains silent for a while. We’ve been both screaming and now we’re breathing heavily, but the guard is far from being down. He’s thinking about a comeback, he just doesn’t have a good one. He abandoned me, the whole family did, and my crime against them is being gay? Come on. As long as he doesn’t mess up with my Angel everything can be the way it’s been for years, I just wish he leaves now, so he’ll leave me the fuck alone._

_"Well, the thing here is that you aren’t keeping your part of the deal."_

_"So what?! Your part of the deal as a father was loving me in spite of everything!" he finally produces some papers from the folder that I knew was totally relevant in this discussion and says_

_"Your name is not on the lease Peter! I own this house and I get to decide what to do with it! YOU’RE NOT STAYING HERE ANYMORE!"_

_I gotta admit this took me completely off guard, and my mouth falls open, but I can’t produce a single sound. Leave? But I was free to stay in this freaking place as long as I didn’t bother them. I haven’t talked to them in ages, I thought that was my part of the deal, not the impossibility of getting a boyfriend to live happily with._

_"What?!" I get to say after what seems like hours."You’re expelling me of your house_ again _?"_

_"Pete, even if I didn’t, the house is not yours, you’re not the heir, and your union with that man isn’t even legal, this house can’t be for both of you."_

_My eyes betray me and I start crying, even when I didn’t want to. I had promised Patrick he wouldn’t have to pay for a rent again, but now my father will make me break that promise. Where are we going now? I made Patrick give his apartment up and now we’ll both be hopeless. He had something sure in his life and I forced him out, just because I wanted him with me all the time. I feel selfish. But at the same time, I am a victim of this, how was I to know that my father would come back with his backwards ideas after a gossip he heard from that old ass toad?_

_"You’re the worst person ever existed." I get to say before coming back into the bedroom and slamming the door shut behind me. I can’t help but to feel like a tantrum teenager as I lean against it and cry, it’s a little degrading now that I’m like 30, but my head’s a mess and I feel horrible that I lose control over it so easily. This reminds me of my childhood in that house, they didn’t even try to understand me and I was a little troubled because of that._

As soon as he enters I jump out of the bed. He’s leaning against the door and crying violently, I can’t stand how loud he is sobbing and get close to him in the blink of an eye. He’s got his hands covering his face and he’s shaking. I am standing right in front of him, but though I try to call his name, it’s like he isn’t listening, so I try to soften his mood by caressing his face softly. I put my hands on his cheeks and shush him.

"Hey, it’s alright, it’s alright," it’s not, it was impossible not to hear what they were saying, and I can’t even imagine what it’s been like for Pete to hear that, I feel terrible for him.

He moves his hands from his face and with his eyes still shut he moves them to my wrists. I flinch a little when he grabs them and squizzes them hard, like, real hard, I try to tell him to stop, but he seems extremely lost, I try and rub my fingers on his cheeks so he’ll calm down and react or something, because he’s digging his nails on my skin and it hurts bad…

_I hold on to him because that’s the only way I’m getting through this, I open my eyes and see his beautiful face through my tears, and he’s… frowning? He can’t be, why? I hold his hand stronger and when I look at them they’re… red?! FUCK! I release them immediately and for some reason I stop crying. I’m shocked at what I just did. He rubs his wrists as I look at my hands. What have I done? How can I hurt him so much when my mind’s idle?_

_"It’s okay!" he says as he puts his palms back against my cheeks._

_"Honey your hands…"_

_"I’m fine Pete" they’re coming back to a normal color, but I refuse to think he’s fine, "Pete, look at me, I’m fine. How are you, sweetheart?" he looks scared, and I feel horrible for making him that, making him fear me, but I guess that’s not what he’s asking._

_"I… I don’t know. I just can’t believe him. Why did he say those things? Why did he have to come?" tears start rolling again and I feel stupid as fuck._

_"We can try to get to a deal with him…"_

_"You heard how his deals go! There’s nothing we can do now, we’re homeless…"_

_"No, we’re not," he says with a sweet smile, "my apartment, Pete."_

_"You cancelled the contract…"_

_"Not yet, I still got one month before I get everything out, there are still some things there, Pete, we can take it, and I’ll renew the contract later, it’s fine."_

_He looks at me with that tenderness that only he is capable of, and his eyes tell me everything will be fine, I can believe it just from looking at him, but I still don’t feel alright about it._

_"I made you a promise, Angel, I told you you wouldn’t have to worry about the rent again…"_

_"It’s okay, sweetheart, I’ve done it before, we can do it together, we’re not hopeless," he hugs me softly and I breathe his scent in, "we’ll be fine."_

_He makes me feel so comfortable and brave, that I even consider the idea of talking to my father again. Fuck, I hate him, but I need to solve this. I don’t know if he’s still there, but knowing him the way I do, I know he’s just waiting for me to go out and accept everything that he’ll say. But today’s not the day, old man, I’m a fucking grown-up, although I don’t seem to be, and you won’t get away with controlling my life again, I’m gonna fight ‘till the end. I pull him away a little and he looks into my eyes._

_"Get dressed," I say with resolution and he seems confused, "put on your pants, that’s it, I want him to see you."_

_He just nods and does as I tell him. I watch him as he gets his pants from the pile of dirty laundry, and damn, if my father saw him like that, he’ll sure as fuck change his mind about him… Okay, Pete, shut up, that’s a very stupid way of thinking._

I step closer to him and he wraps me softly in his arms, then he kisses my temple and looks at me.

"Come on." He says with his hand in mine, then opens the door… oh, I did not expect that.

"Hey," he says in a somehow harsh tone, "Patrick, that’s my father," he gestures to the man that looks at me as if I was covered in the contents of a trash-can, I imagine this man’s gonna have problems with me, "dad, this is Patrick," he says as he puts his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to his body, "he’s the only one who’s stood for me and saved me, the man you’re going to kick out of this house for your bigoted way of thinking."

I feel extremely tense, I don’t know what to do and Pete’s intimate touch is not helping. This is a little more awkward than Pete meeting my family, at least they weren’t trying to leave us homeless, as long as we didn’t date, it was alright with my brother. Now, the man in front of us doesn’t make the slightest effort to hide his disgust. **“I really didn’t notice it, dude, nope, you don’t look like you wanna puke.”** Pete kisses my forehead, just to piss him off a little more, I guess.

_"So?" he says between his teeth. I’d really like to say **“Don’t you see dude?, he’s the most adorable man on Earth!”** _

_"So, he’s staying, he’s my best friend, and he loves me, I’m not leaving him, and you’re not forcing me to."_

_"Listen, boy…"_

_"Not a boy anymore, sir."_

_"Listen, Pete, we all have to discuss this, your name’s not on the lease…"_

_"Then write it."_

_"It’s not that simple!"_

_"Yes it is! I’m your freaking son! How hard can that be?!"_

_"Yes, and when you die or something, who’ll keep the house? Him?! How am I gonna justify that?"_

_I shut up. Yes, there are legal issues that bother our relationship, but you know what? Screw them, people always leave some belongings on their wills to random people outside the family, like friends and shit, and it seems alright, then I don’t see any problem with doing the same thing with Patrick._

_"You don’t have to," I say with resolution after staying silent for what seems like an eternity. He flinches, yes, that’s where I wanted him, **“You didn’t expect that, did you?”** "I will, when the moment comes, and I think that by that time, things would have already changed in that respect." _

_Ha! Who’s got the upper hand now? He studies my face, and though I know my face is covered in tears, I feel really confident, and try to put all of my strength in my features. Finally he sighs,_

_"I need to talk to the whole family about this."_

_"Yeah, sure, whose name’s on the lease, again?"_

_"Pete…"_

_"I mean it, it’s just your business."_

_"Everyone needs to know about this."_

_"Okay," I say reluctantly. I guess I got nothing to lose, they already hate me. We got a chance, if we can go back to Patrick’s rented apartment; it would kill me, knowing that I won’t be able to keep the promise I made, but he’s assured me everything will be alright, and I trust him, plus, the one thing I want to do is being with him, "but don’t leave me out of the conversation."_

_"Alright."_

_"Alright."_

_We hold our glances for quite a long time, and the he awkwardly nods at Patrick and reaches the door. I don’t move a muscle. He opens the door and finally steps out of the house without looking back. I stay put until I hear his car starting and the pulling out the driveway._

_I sigh heavily and turn to look at my Angel. He looks terrified, his eyes are wide open and for once, he can’t find the words to make the situation better, he seems lost at what just happened. He’s kind of asking what is going on, if I’m okay._

_"So… Peter Wentz II, he abandoned me, and as you noticed he’s not very fond of me," he caresses my face softly, and I know that’s exactly what I needed now._

_"We’ll be fine, darling, don’t worry."_

_I smile. Maybe we’re not completely convinced of that statement, but if there’s something I’ve learned from dealing with my condition is that a positive thought is always better. Plus, I know he’s mostly right, he always is, so we’ll just have to wait for the best. I kiss his forehead softly and we hug tightly for a long time, there, in front of that door that still leads to OUR bedroom._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know some things didn't make a lot of sense, but hey! Drama!!! :v  
> And this story was conceived before Same Gender Marriage was approved, so that was still a problem for them here :P


	61. Right there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There could be no evil we would fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title shamelessly ripped from an Electric Century song, sorry Dave and Moiky :v -I just love it so much-)

If I was unsure on how to give Pete the news I had last night, what happened today makes me sweat cold. I’m trying my best to convince him that things with our place to live will go right, but being on the verge of losing my job, only having that hint of doubt doesn’t help at all. What if I get fired and his family decides to kick us out? Paying the rent for the next month is gonna be hard, but dealing with the stress of what will happen is gonna be ten times harder.

However, if things are actually getting ugly, then we’ll have to know to what extent and build a backup plan. So I finish washing the dishes and walk towards the sofa, where Pete is sitting with his eyes set on the front wall, lost in thought. Oh, crap. This is gonna be tough.

"Pete," he looks at me woken from his reveries, and expecting me to say something, he starts reading my face when I don’t speak and instead bite my lip, he braces himself to listen and I really feel nervous, but taking longer is just gonna make it worse, so I jump at the chance, "there was this meeting at the magazine, and they talked about downsizing, nothing is clear until Monday, but there’s the chance that at least 3 of us get fired…"

He lowers his eyes and takes a deep breath, he’s analyzing what I just said. Somehow I feel like back in elementary when I had to tell my mom I had failed an exam. I should have told him earlier, however I don’t want to imagine the curse the discussion with his father would have taken if he’d known that before. Was it better off this way? I can’t know, it’s just the way it is, and I would really like Pete to say something, ‘cause he’s starting to frown and his expression is unreadable.

"I’ll have to fight harder for this house, then."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I’m not having dinner with you, I just want to talk about the house… No, we don’t need dinner for you to meet Patrick, plus, I don’t want to ruin it, wouldn’t you feel grossed out to have dinner with _two_ gays… oh, come on, you have made it pretty clear that’s your problem… THEN WE’RE NOT FUCKING GOING, BUT YOU SOLVE THIS SHIT NOW!!!"

He slams the phone and puts his hands on his head as he turns back. He rubs his face and when he slides his hands down and opens his eyes, he freezes up.

"What?" I say softly, trying not to sound like 'What are you looking at?', and more like 'What’s wrong?', I know there’s a lot wrong, but the way he stopped moving so suddenly worries me.

"I had forgotten you were there... sorry, I… I didn’t want you to see me this way," he answers looking away.

"Aw darling," it shrinks my heart that he still feels that way when I've seen several of his episodes, I don't _like_ them, off course, but I'm used to them, as I had to calm him down and make him feel better. I walk towards him with my arms open. When I wrap them around his body, he hugs back weakly, "it’s alright, I know this is hard for you." He remains quiet for a while and then says sadly.

"I’m sorry I ruined your life."

"You didn’t."

"I did, I dragged you here, and in my family’s problems, and you have to put up with my shitty attitude and I always make you worry."

"You don’t, I agreed to come here because I wanted to be with you, and I know you’re not constantly like this, we also had problems with my family, and I worry because I love you, do you worry about me?"

"All the time…"

"Because we love each other, that’s okay."

"But you should have a quiet life without pressure, and without a psycho next to you." I hold his face in my hands and make him look me in the eyes.

"Life’s not life without the struggle, and you’re the cutest psycho ever," I say with a cutie voice that makes him smile a bit, then I kiss him softly, "besides, who would be with me now that I might get fired?"

"Joe." He says like a child.

"Joe doesn’t lay in bed with me hugging me tight and calling me “baby”..."

"But his head works right."

"Yeah, but he’s not the one I decided to spend my life with, it’s you. Come on, honey, we’ve been through enough shit together to step back in front of this. If I didn’t want you, I wouldn’t have accepted dating you when we first talked about our problems, but I’m here, and I’ll be whenever you need me. My head doesn’t work right, but I’ll be with you." I say smiling sweetly trying to distract him from those dark thoughts.

Yeah, I might have Joe, but Pete has nobody. People from his job are not actual friends, and they don’t know what he’s been through; I can’t think of him facing things alone, and I can’t imagine a better company for rough times than Pete. Yes, Joe’s my best friend, but sometimes I need a hug, a kiss, and tucking in bed together, and that’s not something I want with Joe, that’s something I only want with Pete.

"You really are an angel on Earth." He says hiding his face in the crook of my neck. I rock him softly.

"We’re gonna be alright."

"I hope you don’t get fired."

"Me too." I pull away and look into his eyes, "Wanna take a nap, sweety?" He nods softly and soon we’re in bed, his head on my chest and his arms around my waist. I hum a lullaby until he fall asleep and I follow after couple hours, I just like watching him sleep, he looks so innocent and unaware of his problems, I want him to feel that peaceful forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was really short, but the next event in this sequence didn't feel quite alright here, so I preferred to cut it out and post it later (the other reason is I haven't finished writing it yet :v) -And hey! it looks more like the original format of this fic :P-  
> Plus, I found a little timeline mistake around the last trhee chapters, so I'll have to check it and change it somehow, may be working on it and focusing on solving that mistake (it's reeeeaally bothering me now :B)  
> ~Also, if you find out where the summary comes from, I'm gonna dedicate next chapter to you, so leave your comments (go do your reasearch :P) ;)~


	62. Stop me, or I'll...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When we see the stormy clouds...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear babiezz!! It took me an awful while to be back, didn't it? And what do my tired eyes see...? OMG!!! We're almost 100 people involved in this crazy soap opera!!! I'm soo happy I might cry :')  
> Thank you for all your support, for reading and leaving kudos, it means the world to me because this is just a silly story and you're making it a big thing, so thank you for that :)  
> And this bring me to something really important: Remember last chapter I talked about a timeline mistake going on in the last three chapters or so? Well, it was bothering me very much, so I decided to go through those chapters more carefully, and it was like: "Self, dude, you really should plan the garbage you write, this makes no faken' sense whatsoever." So I sat and fixed it, making the chapters a bit different. So, if you want to see how it changed, and if it bothered you as much as it bothered me, you can go back to Chapter 58 and read from then on. If you don't care, then well... you don't have to read :P  
> And if you've just arrived, maybe you don't kow what the timeline mistake was about, so... what timeline mistake? No, it never existed, thizz ficc izz purrfect *Meow!* :v  
> Ayways, without any further ado, here you go the unnecesarily belated 62nd Chapter of this... thing, fic, whatever :P

Monday morning, I’ve been dreading this so much, I don’t wanna get up, maybe that’ll stop the day from passing… yeah, fucking grow up, Patrick, face your life. I hate this.

I finally get my body to sit and feel Pete’s hand rubbing my back softly, I turn to see him and find some sort of sweet yet melancholic look in his eyes. I kiss his knuckles as a ‘good morning’ and he smiles sadly. I stand up and go get a shower. When I’m done, I stand up in front of the mirror and give the reflection a disgusted look… wait, what?

I know, I know. I should be over this. But I think I might have taken “domestic bliss” a bit too far and forgot to watch my weight, my belly looks a bit bigger. No, it doesn’t, it’s just my personal perception… isn’t it?

**This is no time to think about this, man, come on, the job, the important stuff...**

I decide to leave the bathroom quickly not to dwell on it for too long. When I go out to dress up, Pete’s already left for the kitchen to make breakfast, and I push to the back of my mind the disgust that the perspective of food gives me. Come on, dude, two times in rehab have to do their thing, right?

"Morning, Tricky."

"Good morning, Pete."

"So… you ready?" his eyes are very wary, like he feels ashamed to ask the question. I take a deep breath and nod softly.

"Yeah, I guess." He smiles, he looks a bit more relieved, he walks towards me and lays his hands on my shoulders.

"Honey, don’t worry, Regardless of what happens today, we’ll work things out, it’ll be alright."

"I’m glad you’re the one talking positively," I reply holding his face on my hands.

_We sit to have breakfast silently, there’s really not much to say: whatever happens today is out of our hands and we would just have to adjust to the new circumstances._

_He leaves and I sit on the sofa unable to have some rest. Usually, I go back to bed and then get ready to go to my own job, but today I won’t be able to keep calm until I get the news from Patrick. I asked him not to call me during my shift, because I don’t know how I’ll react and I really don’t want to be all weird (well, weirder than usual)._

 

_"Dude, what’s wrong?" I turn to see who’s talking to me, I wasn’t really paying attention to my surroundings, I try to focus in the orders as much as possible to keep my head away from the problems from my household._

_"Oh, Ryan, hey."_

_"Hi. So… what’s wrong? You’ve been too idle the entire day, you’re soon going to mess up an order or something."_

_"What?... you think so?" he nods with somewhat of a smile, but it doesn’t look like he really wants to, "sorry, there’s just something back home… like it might be a problem…"_

_"”Might” be a problem? you_ might _be caught cheating?"_

_"WHAT?! No, shut the fuck up, Ryan, that’s not it. It’s something about losing the house and shit."_

_"Oh, I see"_ _he says after containing his laughter. This idiot can’t even fathom what my relationship with Patrick is like; I am never, NEVER even consider cheating on him, he’s my everything._

 _"Yeah. Well, it’s something serious okay, I’m trying not to get too distracted by it, though it’s a bit hard."_ _I reply as I grab the plates to take them to the clients._

_"I can tell. Those orders are not yours."_

_"What?" I ask dumbfounded. Really? And how does he know that?_

_"They’re mine…" he takes the plates from my hands with a stupid smile and I stand there staring into the nothing like an idiot. What table am I waiting, again? I check my notepad and read the number on it like a million times. They literally_ **_just_ ** _ordered, their food is not ready yet. Good job at keeping your head focused, Wentz. With that level of attention is a mystery how you have managed to keep that house so far, and even gotten a boyfriend and keeping him, and not forgetting his name, because that’s something you’re likely to do; because you’re not only forgetful, you’re an idiot, a dumb, an airhead, how is it that he still loves you? Does he, or is it just pity? It has to be, because look at you, imbecile..._

_"Pete!" says one of the cooks and that helps me stop my troubled train of thoughts._

_"Uh.. yes?"_

_"The drinks for your table are ready."_

_"Thanks, I’m coming." I need this fucking day to finish right now, or I’ll do something stupid that’d make me lose my job, and if Patrick loses his, we’re fucked up._

_My shift has finally ended, which means I can take the uniform off and go to meet Patrick outside his building; I carry a little box with a surprise for him in it, it will work in spite of the news he has for me. I try not to bite my nails as all the other cars go out, and my heart skips a beat when I see his pulling out. I open the door as soon as he stops and fixate my eyes on him, asking silently how it went. He has somewhat of a sad smile and that’s how I know what happened._

_"So… apparently it was really sad for them to let me go, but they had to…"_

_I feel like I need to say something, because of the sound of his voice, it seems like he’s about to cry. But I can’t think of anything, so I just put the box on the board and lean forward and wrap my arms around him. He hugs back and I want to be mistaken at the sensation of him sobbing, because I really don’t want him to cry right now. I finally find it in myself to say something._

_"Shh, it’s okay, it’s gonna be alright." I want him to feel my support even more, and as I can’t really say anything that will work for this situation right now, I kiss his cheek, leaving my lips pressed for a very long time and he sniffs and sobs a bit more._

_"Damn I loved that job, it wasn’t the fanciest out there, but it was something I loved doing."_

_"I know honey, but it’s okay," I pull away and I see his beautiful face crooked in a sad frown, and his eyes are glistening with tears that start rolling down his face. I don’t want to cry, because right now I have to be strong for him, but the sight is just miserable and it breaks my heart, I want this to stop. I want my Angel to smile again, he looks so beautiful when he smiles."It’s okay," I repeat more to me than to him, but he closes his eyes and nods. "Want me to drive for you?"_

_"No, no. It’s okay, it helps me clear my mind." He says attempting a smile and shaking his head softly, He then turns to the steering wheel and starts moving the car outside. "So how was your own day, honey?"_

_"Well, as for the work, uneventful," he nods slowly, "but I thought of you the entire day._

_He smiles bashfully, just the way I wanted him to, I simply wanted to see him smile._

_"You really are a sweetheart…" he says with a slight higher pitch in his voice, he sounds much more relaxed, and I’m happy I’m not messing up, I’m actually making things better for him._

_"What can I say? You inspire the best of me." He giggles once more and I mimic it. He then sighs and the rest of the ride is silent. I bet that’s what he needs right now, collecting his thoughts and process what just happened._

_I’m about to say “Home, sweet home” when I spot a car in front of our house. I don’t recognize it, but I fear it might be my father’s, and I really don’t want to see that man right now, Patrick doesn’t need to see me argue with him again in the sad state he’s in right now._

_"Do you know who could that be?" he asks a bit warily, and I shake my head. He turns the car off and we both go out._

_We walk towards the front door and I stop on my tracks when I see the person standing there._

_"Hilary?" she lifts her head from her phone when she hears her name._

_"Hi, Pete!" she replies with a smile, but it falls when I don’t smile back. When I say the whole family turned their backs at me, I mean ALL OF THEM did. I’m not pleased to find her here, because my dad probably sent her to promote his agenda against Patrick and shit._

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"Oh, I… see, it’s because of the house…"_

_"So dad told you?"_

_"Yeah, that you’re, like, moving out, so I could have it."_

_"WHAT?! What a fucking liar! I never said that!"_

_"Pete, don’t swear like that! It’s our father."_

_"Oh, you’re not who to tell me how to treat people, don’t be a hypocrite," I see it clear in front of me ‘Pete, what will people say if they find out I have a gay brother? it’s wrong, it’s disgusting, you have to change that’,"plus, he IS a liar, he lied, I never said we were moving out, I said he had to solve all of this. Fuck…"_

_I feel Patrick’s little hand on my arm and I turn to see him. He has a reassuring look in his eyes, but I can sense his fear and worry. Shit, just what I didn’t want: for Patrick to see me arguing with a member of my little fucked up family. I lift my eyes to see Hilary and although her expression of pure disgust doesn’t surprise me, it does make my blood boil. So I pull Patrick in front of me and hug him tight._

_"This is Patrick, he’s my boyfriend, he just got fired because of a downsizing in his office and he needs to stay with me, he has nowhere else to go, he’s been living with me for an entire month, and that’s actually the reason why dad wants us to leave this house, because all of you think it’s gross for a guy to love another guy, but completely normal for a family to hate their son. But we’re not leaving this place because we had an arrangement, Hilary, I wouldn’t bother you, you wouldn’t bother me, and for years I haven’t. So tell dad to stop lying and ruining my life further than he already has." I decide to leave out the part where we could eventually go to Patrick’s rented apartment, but I can’t give them any chance to kick us out and this has to be dramatic, I have to show them they’re pushing me to a limit where I’m hopeless, maybe that way they’ll leave me alone._

_She remains silent for a while and I move my face closer to Patrick’s, just to spite her a bit more._

_"You use the word ‘love’ after just a month?" she replies trying to mock our relationship; and if Patrick wasn’t right there I’d jump at her and pull her hair like when we were children._

_"That’s just the time he’s been living here, but we’ve known each other for a year and a half, and we’ve been through lots of things together, so I can be sure that this is love."_

_"Pete, it’s still not enough…"_

_"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVE?! You are my sister and rejected me for my sexuality, something I didn’t even choose, you’re my family, yet you hate me. What do you know about love? He’s been with me in rough situations and thanks to him I’m actually advancing in my treatment for that condition that you all feel so ashamed of. He accepts me for who I am_ _, and trusts me enough to live with me. I know he loves me, just like I love him._

_My arms are pressed really tight around Patrick’s body, and I feel him rubbing my forearms softly, to try and calm me down. It helps, but just as long as she remains silent and leaves. But apparently, she has a different idea._

_"Or maybe he’s with you for the house."_

_"HOW DARE YOU?!" I push Patrick to a side careful not to hurt him and step forward to go get her and cause her some serious physical damage. But reacting faster than I’d expect, Patrick jumps in front of me and pushes me back firmly, and when I try to go back he holds me strongly with his hands. All of that on a fraction of a second._

_"Pete, stop!"_

_"I’m gonna…"_

_"No, no, you’re not gonna anything, stop." I fixate my eyes on my sister, who’s terrified, and doesn’t move from her spot. "Pete, listen, Pete, please, listen…" he’s really worried, I can hear it in his voice, but he doesn’t break, he’s serious and he’s not letting me do anything wrong, I’m sure of it._

_So I struggle to get out of his hold a couple seconds more, but then finally listen to Patrick’s request for calming down and looking at him. I fixate my eyes on him and he thanks me for it. My breathing is heavy and my teeth are clenching, but the more I look into Patrick’s eyes and the more he gently rubs my arm make me calm down slowly, until I feel my body temperature lower and go back to my senses. **Did I just try to KILL my own sister?** Well, I hate them as much as they hate me, but I wouldn’t do that, I’m not a murderer. I’m surprised at how much my mind unplugs when I’m mad at something. All the bastards in my family should be thankful I found Patrick, or else dear Hilary would be either gone or seriously injured. _

_"Better now?" he asks with that beautiful voice of his._

_"Yes…" I reply shakily and nod._

_"Alright. Let’s go inside, then." I nod again and he starts to walk me to the front door. When we are near my sister, I turn to her and say:_

_"If you have nothing else to do here, please leave."_

_"But Pete…"_

_"I’m asking you please, Hilary. Go now."_

_With that, I turn my back at her letting her know that I’m not having any of her shit. I hear her steps going away and when the door closes behind us, I sigh in relief as I’ve never had before._

_"God, that was so shitty."_

_"But, are you okay now?" Patrick asks sweetly as he strokes my cheek._

_"ME?! She called you a fortune seeker! She insulted you! Are_ you _okay?"_

_"Yes, Pete, we both know that’s not true."_

_"I just… I just hate them so much."_

_"I know dear. But things are gonna get better, okay?"_

_"I hope so."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, and nobody guessed where the summary from last chapter came from, and to be fair, it wasn't that easy to find out. It's from "Guide you through" by New London Fire, the band of David Debiak. Sounds familiar? Yeah, he's the guy from Mikey's Electric Century and our dear psychiatrist in this story. So if you haven't listened to his music, well... that's really wrong, go change that :P But watch out, he's mine(I know, he's married, but still... MINE :P)  
> ALSO!! Next chapter will come with some fanservice, because you're amazingly patient and almost 100!!! YAAY!! :D


	63. And your naked magic, Oh Dear Lord!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and fanservice :v

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... hey! What's up?  
> As promised (because you're 101 readers!!! YAY :D) this is pretty fanservice-y, so there's not much to explain here, is it? :v  
> (Anyways, if you don't like this kinda thing well... skip it, I guess :v But not all of it, you know what I mean :v)  
> Also, have you read a bunch of articles for the state of the art of your thesis? Smutty fanfiction is far more interesting than them, am I right, or am I right? :P  
> (Kidding, stay in school kids, stay in school, and rock that fucking thesis, show them who's boss :P)  
> (Btw, regarding that, I'm working so hard rocking my fucking thesis that I almost didn't have time to finish this, and I'll have to leave my other works abandoned for a while. But I'll be back in a while, thnks fr being patient ;) )

"Hey, Petey, let’s have dinner, okay?" I say cupping his jaw in my hands and looking right into his eyes, trying to seem as calmed as possible. I know I had a shitty day myself, but stress takes a stronger toll on Pete, so I play strong and act as a support for him, like I always do.

"Oh, alright, yeah…"

"Aww Pete, come here," I wrap him into a hug and stroke his back softly.

"It’s not fair," he says in a small voice, "I was supposed to be helping you feel better, not this… ugh…"

"Hey, Pete, look at me. It’s fine, I’m fine, I’m happy that you didn’t actually attacked her, that’s good."

"Huh, so much for “good” things. I honestly should be able to give you something better… oh wait! I do… shit, she made me forget about it. I left something in your car, can I have your keys?"

I give him the keys with confusion but glad that he’s in a new state of mind now, he’s excited and look enthusiastic of whatever he’s got in my car. And it’s… for me? I feel really curious as to what he has for me, especially with his reaction.

He comes back in with a box in his hands, not too big, not too small, and my curiosity grows when he just places it in the fridge.

"Pete… what’s that?" I ask playfully with a smile on my face.

"It’s a surprise." He replies mimicking my smile. "So, dinner, what do you want?"

"Oh, anything really, I just want to put some food in my body, I had to clean my office and shit and I’m tired and hungry." His smile drops at my words and I see a bit of guilt in his eyes.

"So… all your stuff is in your car?"

"Uh, yeah, it’s in a box on the passenger’s seat."

"You didn’t tell me, I could have brought it inside…"

"Aw, don’t worry honey, I got all day tomorrow, okay?" He nods softly, and smiles faintly, "now, surprise me with whatever you have up your sleeve, chef."

He smiles for real this time and kisses my forehead, I sit at the table and he busies himself with the food. I like to see him that way, doing productive stuff that will help him ignore his problems for a while, enough to cool and clear is head.

"Well, you actually didn’t tell me how was your day, like… yeah, how was it?" he says as he cleans a portion of chicken.

"Well, what can I say? They called some of us to the office, and they explained all of that... uh, that they were running out of resources for some reason and that, you know, they had to choose like the “weakest”, I mean, they didn’t say “weakest”, but kinda like that. So they didn’t need like three opinion writers, are they were thinking on keeping the most informative ones, so… yeah, like five of us had to leave, the only opinion writer that’s left is Awdrey and… well, there’s not much to say, really. They gave us the day to write like a “goodbye” article and clean our desks. And like, next week or so they’ll give us our liquidation. And that’s it, that’s all that happened."

"I see… honestly, I don’t know how they can think you’re “weak”, your column is one of the best written on that thing. But anyways, they’re missing out, right?" although he tries to sound light-hearted, he still seems a bit upset.

"Yeah, I guess. Whatever, I’ll have to start writing a new CV and get on looking for a new job, good thing is they’ll give everyone a recommendation, so it won’t seem like we got fired ‘cause we’re problematic, so it’s alright."

"Yeah…" he replies absentmindedly as he continues with the cooking.

"And you? Uneventful as always?"

"Uh… kind of. I actually almost stole Ryan’s order," he says with a chuckle and I would really like to know how the heck did he manage to do that.

"How… how could you do that?"

"Well… I was a bit distracted. I saw the orders on the counter and... well, I’m a waiter, I serve stuff… don’t laugh!"

"But… but Pete really… well, it can’t be said that you’re not committed to your job."

"Uh, kind of..."

"Yeah, I know, it was Ryan’s table. But still."

"It was funny… when the day was over. In the moment… it was a bit embarrassing, to be honest."

"I imagine."

After a bit more chatting about the mundanity we’ve gotten used to, Pete finishes cooking and we finally can eat. I tease him saying he could be a chef and open his own restaurant, but he says the pressure over a waiter is enough for him.

"Well…" he says with a mysterious smile when we finish dinner.

"Well what?" I ask mimicking him.

"Well…" he stands up and walks towards the fridge, when he gets there, he opens it trying to go all enigmatic and he looks a bit funny, to be honest.

"What do you have there? A pirate treasure?"

"Even better," he smiles as he places the box on the tale and opens it, revealing a beautiful chocolate cake.

"Oh, you brought dessert, thank you!"

"Well, it’s more than just that. This is what you ordered the first time you came to the restaurant with your friends," he smiles bashfully and lowers his eyes, blush starts crawling on his cheeks. My heart melts and I feel a smile tightening my lips.

"You… remembered that?"

"I… I remember everything from that day… you… you looked beautiful."

I simply stand up and hug him. I feel impressed. I know he kept looking at me, but I didn’t know he had gone to so much detail, or that he even kept note of what I had ordered, in case he might have needed that information later.

"Woah… you’re.. you’re so amazing, Pete" I say tightening my arms around him. I feel him do the same as he answers.

"No, you’re amazing."

I pull away and give him a “now come on” look, but I know there’s no way he’ll let me win that one, so I just kiss his cheek.

"Well," I dip my finger in the buttercream and lick it, "hmmm, it’s really good. You really know what I like."

"Uh, you know, I thought we needed something for celebrating or to cheer you up."

"It did cheer me up, you had a brilliant idea. Now get me a good slice of that, would ya?"

We giggle and I sit back again as he slices the cake. I can’t help but admiring that wonderful man, how did I get so lucky? He’s so sweet and so caring. Why would anyone take his condition before his sweetness to judge him? Why would anyone reject him just for that? It’s not that hard to see the beautiful person in him, it saddens me that other would turn their backs at him just because of something he didn’t even choose.

"I love you." I say kind of out of nowhere. He stops all his motions and smiles at me, looks a bit embarrassed, but in a cute way.

"Wow, thank you. I love you too…" he says sweetly as he places the slice on my plate and then serves his own.

"I’m just so happy to be with you. You’re so perfect."

"No, you…"

"Oh, come on, take a compliment for once?" I request sweetly. I really want him to realize how amazing he is, because he doesn’t allow himself to do so. I bat my lashes and he giggles.

"Ok. Thanks for calling me perfect. I can’t say you’re wrong, because you never are…"

"I know." I say with a cocky smile, happy that I finally got him to take the compliment, "now… should we like, toast, or something?"

"Mhh… yeah, why not? But wait,we don’t have wine…"

"We have cake."

"Patrick, really?"

"Yes, why not? It’s tasty, it’s unique…"

"Alright then." He takes a spoonful and lifts it ceremoniously. "To… uh… don’t laugh!"

"Sorry, you just look funny."

"Just take your piece of cake and toast with me, it was your idea. Alright, to… a new beginning."

"To a new beginning."

"So… should we like… feed each other the cake? I don’t really know how “cake toasts” work…" he says trying to mock my idea, but I know better.

"Why do you even suggest that? Have you already forgotten what happened the last time you tried that?"

"Uh… well, in my defense, you look cute with pasta sauce blush…"

I hold my glare into his eyes and he mimics me. Then we can't hold it anymore and burst in laughter. This is so stupid, yet it feels so right.

"Let’s just eat the cake, okay?"

We eat our dessert rambling about nonsense stuff, namely dates gone wrong, _our own_ dates gone wrong or just having silly happenings, what’s the best kind of cake to have with ice-cream on the side; because we’ve honestly had enough drama for one day, and the basic idea of getting home and sharing some time with each other is forgetting about problems for a while and enjoying the little things. When I finish my dessert, I yawn and stretch, it’s really been a long day. Pete puts the remaining cake back in the fridge and picks the table up.

"Someone seems tired," he says caressing my cheek.

"Someone IS tired, carry me to bed, would you?"

"I would baby, but I’m also tired as fuck. Wanna watch some TV until we fall asleep?"

"Actually" I stand up and wrap my arms around his neck slowly, "I had a better idea to use the energy we’ve got left…" I do that thing I’d call “seductive stare” if I weren’t an awkward nerd, it gets him though.

"Oh, do you?" he holds my waist firmly with his hands and pulls me closer to his body, and I profit from the action to erase the distance between our faces and press our lips together.

"Mhm…" I hum affirmatively into his lips and he deepens the kiss. "Can we go to bed now?" I almost beg when we part to breathe a bit.

"Why are you so needy, baby?" he says sounding a lot more needy than what he’d try to make me look.

"I don’t know, why are you so perfect? Why have you been so tired these last two weeks?" somehow we manage to touch each other, keep this semi-rational conversation and move towards the bedroom.

"Oh, now it’s my fault?" He replies trailing his mouth from my lips to my cheek and then my neck.

"Yeah, it is. But I know you’ll make up for the missing time, right?"

"Like you have no idea," he sates looking into my eyes and pushing me to sit in the mattress. **Yes, oh yes, take me now.** I bite my lip and smile to him, then lean to take his shirt off.

He helps me with that and then comes back to my neck to kiss it, and as he busies himself with that, I go for his zipper and when it’s open, I let his pants fall to the ground. But before I get to pull his boxers down he pulls away and says

"How about you?"

"Wanna take care of that?" he almost rips my shirt off, but remembers to be careful because I don’t have many of them and I need them intact. He stops me again when I try to reach back for his underwear.

"Your pants sweetie, let’s be even, okay?"

I unzip my pants and lift my body from the bed enough for him to pull them down, because I really don’t want to stand up, I wanna feel the mattress, because I know I’ll be pinched to it in a couple minutes. What I don’t expect is for him to pull _everything_ down.

"Pete! You said “even”!"

"Yeah, I’m sorry," he says as he places a kiss on my knee, "it seemed like a good last second idea, what do you think?"

"I think you should take yours off as well."

"Okay, fair enough. But wait there, honey, you’re gonna love this…"

He traces my thigh with his tongue from my knee up to my crotch and my breath is cut from anticipation. He then starts to kiss my hip while wrapping his fingers around the base of my dick. I moan and my eyes shut tight when he moves his lips from my hips to my dick and then starts licking.

"Ah! fuck…" I moan almost breathlessly.

"Oh, you like this?" He asks playfully before getting back to business.

"You know I like this, numskull" the first time we did I was far too nervous, but he was very sweet and caring. We don’t do it that much because I’m a bit too awkward, but whenever we do, I feel like I’m touching the sky with my hands.

After a bit of teasing, he finally wraps his lips around the tip of my dick and starts sucking gently.

"Ah yes!" I feel the smile tightening his lips. He takes in a bit more of my dick and I pull his hair. I moan with every motion of his tongue and hold his hand. I just like the way he’s so sweet when we make love, and he’s so caring, he lets me pull his hair and hold his hand. He goes a bit deeper and makes his motions a bit stronger, "ah, ah-o-kay, okay, Pete... " he looks at me without letting go, "you know -ah fuck!- you know I like this, but I was hoping you’d fuck me? Please?"

He doesn’t move for a couple seconds, I cup his face in my hands and look into his eyes, perhaps I’ll convince him to finally come up and-

"Shit!" he goes as deep as he can, moaning along, just to make the sensation stronger. "Pete, please..." I bend on myself enough to look into his eyes as he keeps moving his tongue in that beautiful torture of teasing, "come fuck me..."

He finally lets go, only to say

"Are you sure? You seemed to be enjoying it, you were moaning so nicely…" he smiles playfully as he moves has hand up and down. I don’t know whether I love him or hate him right now.

"Pete, come on."

He giggles and then kisses my knee.

"Okay dear, get ready…" he purrs into my skin and I move to the center of the bed a bit too eagerly. I spread my legs and look at him biting my lip. He kisses my knee again and starts rubbing my legs, moving his hands up and down. I let the sensation take over my body as I stretch to get the lube.

I am nervous, I always am. It doesn’t matter how many times we do this, I still feel as anxious as the first time. Then he reaches out to take the bottle from my hand, but I spare him the effort and just pour some on his fingers

"Eager much?" he teases as he rubs the lube to cover his fingers properly.

"You’ve only just figured it out?" I laugh with a watery mouth seeing how he moves his hand to my butt. He leans to kiss me and I take his mouth forcefully, holding his neck steadily with my hand. I moan into the kiss when I feel his wet fingers massaging my entrance.

"Fuck, Angel, let me breathe…" he says as he pushes his first finger in, I don’t let his neck go, though, I need him right there.

"It’s your punishment for teasing me earlier…" I moan and then kiss him again.

"You don’t like teasing? Wanna get right into business?" he aligns his dick with my opening and I reconsider it.

"Well… it’s been two weeks, I need some prepping, you know?" my voice stutters a bit and its tone raises, with that, my “sexy boy” acts slips helplessly from my fingers and we both giggle.

"Alright honey, then close your eyes and enjoy. We’re not the rough kind, anyway." he finishes his sentence with a sweet smile and I mimic it.

"We’re not?" I ask turning my smile into  a smirk, ‘cause I remember going a bit too wild the last time, and I’m sure he does too.

"We’re not overly rough, you’re never hurt, right? It’s really passionate, but not rough. Now…" he pushes his finger in a bit more and I moan, "let’s keep this going, shall we?"

_Although the pace has slowed a bit, the mood hasn’t, and my breathing gets heavier as I see his beautiful eyes closed and him biting his lip as I move my finger a bit deeper inside of him and kiss his knee. I like feeling him, the warmth inside his body. I know I’ve been teasing him a bit, but honestly I think I’m almost as desperate as he is for this, so I try and speed things up a bit by teasing with a second finger. A soft almost breathless “yes" from his mouth is all I need to know I’m doing right and my timing was right._

_One would imagine that after all this time I’d know Patrick’s body perfectly, and just when and how to move, but actually, I only know so much; I try to keep the information in my mind, and I’ve done with some stuff, like how he finds kisses on his knee soothing as I’m prepping him, or how much he likes me to lick and bite the back of his ear when he’s facing the mattress; but the rest is kind of blurry because I’m so high and horny that I don’t really pay attention._

_That’s why every time feels like a first time, and every time I do something or learn something new, something that makes him hotter and feel better, so I can’t really get all the data stored in my head. It sounds silly, but he doesn’t seem to mind. I honestly think he knows as much about me as I know about him, because he’s just so oblivious as has the attention span of a fly, also, he’s busy coping with bottoming, you can’t really ask much from him in those moments. I love him just like that, I don’t mind that he doesn’t know me perfectly, I don’t even do myself. It’s better off this way, because our first time was a bit awkward but amazing anyways, feeling like that is not bad at all, we like it._

_I replay all those thoughts in my head as I watch him pant softly, I push my fingers even deeper and he tilts his head back. Nice, I’m doing fine now. I start to scissor him open, and when I get a positive response from it, I finally say_

_"Ready?" he remains quiet for a couple seconds, then nods, "alright then."_

_I pull my fingers out and he moves to a sitting position to kiss me. It’s a deep and hot kiss, and I just keep my hands on his legs as he moves his from my chest down my stomach. Then he grabs my dick and starts rubbing gently at first, then a bit more forcefully, to the point I literally have to break the kiss to moan properly. He giggles and brings his lips back to mine, then he moves back to lay on the mattress._

_When he is fully laying on his back, I pull away and stare at him. His eyes are sparkling, he has this incredible ability of looking angelic and innocent during the dirtiest of moments. I’ll never know how he does that, because right now those eyes are begging me to fuck him, but they also look like they are asking me to tuck him in bed and sing him a lullabye. It’s confusing, but it’s amazing._

_I help him to keep his legs up and proceed to_ finally _penetrate him. I start up slowly, letting his body adjust, I feel the welcoming motions of Patrick’s hips towards mine, and I start thrusting softly. It’s hard to do it, because we’re both desperate for it, but I don’t wanna be too rough with him._

_I hear his voice pitching up with each thrust. I lean over him and lock our lips together, in a steamy kiss that causes our moanings to be muffled. We reach a steady pace, in our motions, our panting, our moans. I hear his voice as though he was trying to say something, but the action just won’t let him. It’s safe to assume it’s positive, because somewhere in the middle a clear “yes!” makes his way out._

_"You alright?" I manage to say after a while._

__"Yeah… yes! I’d be better- if- if you moved faster… oh shit, yes!"-__ _with the last yell he tightens the grip of his legs around my waist._

_He keeps asking me to go faster, and I try to provide it without hurting him. His eyes close shut and he clenches his fingers stronger into my hands. He moves his hips in a very specific way, it’s one of the few things I’ve gotten to recognize._

___"Pe- te… I… I…" yes, he’s about to come. So am I, but I like to hold on a little and wait until he comes to share the moment. It happened the first time we ever made love, and I try to make it happen every time._ _ _

_When I hear the first little yell scape his mouth, I know it’s happening, so I let go as well. I groan and he yells with a higher pitch each time. Our bodies move erratically until everything is released, and the room falls silent, except for our heavy breaths. My mind is blank, the only thing I’m sure of is that Patrick’s there. Other than that, I don’t know, I’m not even sure I’m still alive. My eyes flutter open and I come back to reality, I see my beautiful boyfriend with a peaceful look on his face, his eyes closed and his mouth open, taking long breaths._

_I lean in to kiss him with the tiny bit of energy I got left. He kisses back groggily as his body relaxes. Then I make my best to move, because I know that position he’s in is not the most comfortable of them all. I manage to get our hands free, he was holding them so tight in that adorable way he does._

_I finally get to collapse next to him and waste no time in wrapping my arms around his body. He curls in a ball and gets closer to me. After some seconds of catching his breath, he proceeds to kiss my chest and rub it softly with the tip of his fingers. I take his hand in mine and kiss the top of his head._

_"I love you," his soft breathy voice says against my skin. I smile as I stroke his damp hair gently._

_"I love you too, dear." I reply with a tired smile. He stops moving his hand because he’s a bit too tired. I want him to sleep. He doesn’t have to go to work tomorrow, which is a bit sad but pretty much the reason we’ve just had sex. I then remember something he should’ve done but for some reason (being, well… sex) hasn’t._

_"What are you doing?" he asks when I move to grab his phone on the night table on his side of the bed._

_"I’m gonna turn your alarm off, you won’t need it tomorrow," he looks at me with a confused face, like he didn’t understand what I’ve just said, "just sleep, darling," I tell him after placing the phone back on the table._

_"What did you do again?"_

_"Turn your alarm off so that you can sleep tight, dear."_

_"Oh… thank you." I love how adorable he is when he’s all groggy and not in the mindset to understand English at all._

_"You’re welcome."_

_With that, I kiss his head again and we go full cuddly until we fall asleep._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading and supporting this weird little story! Let me know what you think :)  
> *Also... for quite a while now I've been linking a tumblr and a facebook page over here, but no one ever followed them -or told me stop doing it for that matter :v- so I decided to just get rid of them. Also, because there are these creepy ass accounts on tumblr with "hot gurls wanna fuck w/you" shit that for some reason are the only ones that have followed me-they probs think they'll find someone interested in that by just following random people, but I'm not, so...-; and I have no idea how to use a tumblr. Really. I hesitated to get one, and I did because it's so, idk, common in the fic community, that I was like "hey, maybe it'll work to get closer to the audience and shit". And it's not like I expected to have a million followers in a day, but at least seeing a couple people who read my shit would've been cool, but it never happened. Currently, I have 2 people following me, but it seems like they don't want to show they're following me? So I don't know who they are, if any of them is one of you readers, please let me know. So yeah, I'm not deleting the tumblr, 'cuz I follow couple people I like, facebook can die tho :v But sure thing I'll stop linking them around. This is the only site where you can contact me from now on-well, if you're... interested at all, that is-. Anyways, that's it regarding that matter, nobody ever cared(which makes me wonder why did I ever created those pages in the first place? I just assumed people would be interested when they were clearly not?), but I had to say it because this is like my little anonymous confessional thing. At least I know people here are reading, unlike my facebook page, which has zero followers(and will never change that 'cuz let's be real, I asked people and no one said "yes, I'd follow" and still I went on and created it).*


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